Turning the Heel on my ARTYARNS sock

I cant believe I did it but I did! Now dont get me wrong I havent finished the sock yet but I TURNED THE HEEL on it which is the hardest thing to do when knitting socks (they say). I am so excited because I have my Magic Loop socks class coming up and I wanted to finish these socks on my DPN's before I started the class. The class is in October so I have some time left to finish the remaining part of this sock and also the 2nd sock.
On another note I finished the TRIO tote bag I was making for myself to be able to carry a small project or two in it. Its very nice and I love the colors in it. So everyone who is a knitter knows that there is no such thing as just owning one knitting bag! Impossible, you have to have at least 2 maybe 3 or 4! Maybe even more than that. I have a few more bags on my to do list but I cant felt anything in MY washing machine because its a front loader! I need a top loader to felt. That means I have to go to my Mom's when I want to felt things OR I can make a swatch and see what happens when I put it through my machine. Its worth a shot and I can do it when I do a hot water wash.
I am also in the process of making a MOBIUS for myself. Its probably going to go to someone else as a Christmas presnt because I want something in pink. Its coming out really nice in the SPRING DESERT color by LION BRAND Landscapes, very pretty colors in that mix. Its also a bulky yarn that knits up pretty quick. I am using #13 for this project. Its a big difference from working with the socks which are on #5 DPN's. Well, its good practice for the socks I am going to make on the #2's! Thats going to be a challenge for my eyes I tell you.
I have a beautiful yarn which is 100% cotton made by Patagonia which I bought a long time ago and now I am searching for the perfect pattern for it. I have 2 balls of it which I think adds up to almost 300+ yards so I can make a very long scarf with it, or a caplet I guess. I have to find a pattern. Still need to start my Mom's fancy scarf because just thinking about it not being done for Christmas is making me ill with worry. She is not expecting it for Christmas because she knows I am busy but I would like to give it to her then along with some other stuff. I also have a wonderful pattern for a wine cozy from www.knitty.com Sorry I cant remember which one its in.
Tomorrow DH and I have a therapist appointment and I will most likely spend the entire hour crying over certain family members who STILL havent called me. I guess the letter I wrote couldnt have upset them too much.
I talked about this with my Mom and I cant understand it because if the shoe was on the other foot I would never be acting this way toward my ONLY sister. Its just really sad and it makes me more upset and angry every time I think about it, which is just about all the time.

My 1st Stitch n Bitch and other Life Happenings

It seems like I am getting a bit lax with my blogging. I wasnt in the mood the past few days to do much writing, especially after I wrote that 7 page letter to my sister. She still hasnt responded to the letter that I wrote her. I know that she read it because my Mom told me she did. The ball is in her court now because I have done all I can to help our relationship. She also has to acknowledge the problem that she has in order to make it better. I am convinced that she has serious problems that only a therapist can help her with but she wont go to one. I am so upset by all this crap thats all I talked about when DH and I went to see our therapist today. I did a lot of crying and had a huge headache when I left her office.

Monday was September 11th and always a sad day for me. I watched all the ceremonies on TV and waited for them to read our neighbors nephews name. He was a fiefighter who died that day. 9/11 is also my Moms birthday so I made her these cute little pink heart shaped cakes and she loved them. The kids loved them too!

This evening I had to go to my daughter's schools open house. I wasnt planning on going but there was an incident with another student and my daughter and the teacher wanted to meet me. She wrote a note home to me yesterday saying that my daughter had her hands wrapped around a boy's neck. The teacher reprimanded her and then she proceeded to push this boy and then was further punished by the teacher. This behavior is TOTALLY UNLIKE my daughter and I asked her what happened. She said that the boy was chasing her and causing trouble and she told the teacher and the teacher said to "work it out herself". Now she has no reason to lie and I could see this teacher saying something like that. The boy was harrassing her further and she did what she had to do to get him away from her. It was a girl defending herself from a boy not the other way around for Gods sakes! I told my daughter she should have gone to another teacher that would have listened and that there is no reason she should push or wrap her hands around anyones neck. The teacher spoke to me today and said that all the kids were "playing this game" and they all had to be told to stop. I was so upset over this incident that I have been an emotional wreck. Its everything happening thats bothering me not just this. It builds on top of one another and then comes tumbling down on top of me.

On a happy note I decided to go to a Stitch n Bitch meeting last night. We met up right in the center of the Yale University campus which is beautiful, by the way. There were 8 of us all together and we had a great time. I was a little nervous at 1st because I thought that I would be the one who knew the least and I wasnt. I actually helped 2 ladies with their work and told them where they made the mistake and most importantly I fixed it for them!! They were so grateful and I was excited that I actually new enought to help them. They were looking at me making the tote bag I am working on like I was some type of circular needle God. It was so funny trying to convince them that I really did teach myself a few months ago! I am using TRIO yarn and the bag is coming out fantastic. I am going to make it my goal to finish it tomorrow. I also made 2 headbands that only took 30 minutes to crochet both. Since I am getting more hair on my head I am starting to wear headbands with little flowers or something on them to show off my hair or what I have of it that is! All the ladies asked if I was going to join them again next week and I was touched that they enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed theirs. I was also invited to join a knitting group that my Occupational Therapist is in at the hospital. That meets every other Monday and I think they will be meeting up this coming Monday. Knitting & crocheting has been my escape and its been helping me get through these stressful times in my life and I LOVE it like no other hobby I have ever done before. Going to these Stitch and Bitch meets is my therapy and if it helps me thats a wonderful thing. I also think that its good for me to get out and meet new people with similar interests as me.

Tonight my DH asked me to teach him some crochet stitches and I showed him the chain and the single crochet stitch. The problem is that he is left handed so I have to sit directly in front of him so he can 'mirror' my actions. He did it fairly well but gave up because he was dead tired. Tomorrow I will teach (or try to) him the double crochet but not before he nails the single crochet stitch. Hopefully he will pick it up fast and make me something! LOL

Knit Happens

I have been crying since 9 am this morning. Its a long story and it has to do with my sister. My Mom spoke to her and told me what was said. One of the things that upset me the most was that she said I was always my Moms favorite and she feels that I havent been a good sister to her. I am so angry that I typed up a 7 page letter with all the examples od how SHE is the one that hasnt been there for me and that I have always invited her and included her in everything since we were young. My Mom even said to her that it wasnt true. I am so angry, hurt and mad as hell that she would use this as a smoke screen for her irreverent behavior over the past 6 months. My Mom suggests we all sit down and talk about why she feels this way. I think she needs some professional help because she is the one that has alienated herself from the family and this has been going on for years. She has turned down all my invites to anything I have invited her to and she has the nerve to say I havent been a good sister. She has some set of balls to say that. Especially when I am in the place I am in in my life. I needed her the most while I was going through this and she throws this in my face? Only a self-serving, selfish individual would do that. The letter touches on all these points without name calling and so on so maybe it will get through to her? One could only hope that it does. My Mom is also upset over the entire thing because my sister thinks that my Mom has done more for me. Well, right now my Mom is the ONLY one helping me so she is doing a lot. My sister didnt have cancer or need the help that I did and I hope she never does but what could she (29 years old) want from my Mom that she isnt giving her? I just dont get it. Is she jealous of all the attention I am getting. I wouldnt call it attention that I want because I want things to be the way they used to be. I dont want help taking care of my children. I want to do these things on my own but for now I need help. Why cant she accept this? I dont want to lose a sister over this nonsense, I just hope she doesnt either. Its time to grow up.

I had an appointment with the PS yesterday and he put in 60cc of saline in each expander. He said there is 420-450cc total in there right now and that they hold 600cc max. If you wanted to you could put more than that but he doesnt reccommend it. So hopefully we are moving along as scheduled with all this and I will have the exchange surgery within the next 6 months. The pain is not to good today but thats to be expected with the fill up yesterday. Pain meds do your stuff!

On another depressing note, the owner of the yarn store called me and said that she wouldnt feel comfortable right now having me alone in the store on Saturdays due to my lack of experience with making garments and lacework, etc. As soon as I get better at those things she said that she would gladly hire me. She was totally nice about it but with all the emotion today I cried when I got off the phone because I really wanted it bad. So I must practice lots! I'm off to knit!

Pictures, Pictures, Pictures!!

I promised some pics of what I have been knitting and crocheting so here it is. I regret not taking pics of the scarves that I gave away but I am making more of them. Last night I finished the autumn colors scarf that I started crocheting on Sunday but have not taken a pic of it yet.
This is a scarf that I made for my Aunt for Christmas. Its a moss stitch pattern:

Hat and scarf I made for my Dad (not sure if I am going to make him something else and give this to a woman because the hat looks girly to me. Maybe because its on that head? :lol:

Cell phone case:

My DD's hat:

Three crocheted headscarves and a hat:

Crocheted Hot pad holder/dishcloth:


On another note I might have a part time job at the local yarn shop! I have to go and see the owner to chat about the specifics so I am not totally sure its a done deal yet. Wish me luck!

Labor Day Weekend

I need to replenish my yarn stash!!! I hope I get another order from NC.com soon so I can get more yarn. There are some I am just drooling over. Here is a picture of some:
Beautiful Yarn
Tell me thats not gorgeous yarn. My Mom told me that I can give her a list of all things knitting related so she can get them for me for Christmas. I better start on that right away!

Yesterday we went to my parents for Labor Day and it was OK. My Dad seems to be returning to his old annoying self. He constantly is starting arguements with my Mom over stupid things and also he was trying to annoy me but I was having none of that. He definitely has low self esteem to always have to be right with everything. Growing up he would always tell me that I had a complex and problems meanwhile he is the one with the issues, even my Mom admits it. When I approached her yesterday to ask what was up his a** she said that she cant deal with him anymore and ignores him. OK, thats not possible for me because hes soooo annoying that I have to shut him up by telling him to stop and not ignoring him. I cant even remember what the arguement was about. I am totally convinced that he is STILL in denial about everything I have gone through and in his mind it has not happened. This is how he deals with things. I am not questioning his love for me but he has a very strange way of showing it and he doesnt realize that words can hurt. My DH gets fed up with him too but he has to be quiet about it not to cause more trouble.

After dinner I felt like I was drugged and had to go and take a break in my Grandmothers room. I fell asleep for an hour and a half on the recliner! I was so beat. Thats what happens when you cant get to sleep until 3-4am.

I brought my new bag to my Mom's and everyone loved it. I was proudly showing it off and telling them that it was my present from my DH for our anniversary. Now they all want one and only one of them crochets! Too funny. I was able to fit EVERYTHING in it and I mean everything. My wallet, make-up bag, cell phone, meds, 2 pattern books, my sock, scarf, and Mom's scarf project all fit in it.

I started a brown/mixed autumn color scarf yesterday that I am GOING to finish today. It is my mission to finish it because I dont want to be rushed with making Christmas preents the last minute. Its my own design and if I remember to take a picture of it I will. I am so bad with that. I finished my Dad gift which is a fishermans hat and scarf, my great Aunts scarf with lots of pretty fringe and I made a few washcloths that I was going to put in a basket with soaps and lotions for someone, I dont know who yet. I also made my DD's hat for the winter and I think I'll make a small scarf with the left over yarn or maybe a mobius neck warmer depending upon how far I can stretch it.

I did something really big yesterday that I am so proud of. I went to my Mom's without a scarf or hat! I wore a headband with some pretty crystals on it and I wrapped a chiffon rose around it and placed it near my left ear. I looked a little like a 1920's flapper and I felt free. Like I said, I am enjoying my hair at all the stages it will be in until it reaches the length that I want it to be. I am not sure what that exact number is going to be but I do want to be able to wear it up and braid it so definitely bra strap length as the least. My scalp has been annoying me with those scabs I used to get when I had my long hair. The MM shampoos are keeping it under control but I have to use them every day otherwise it flares up again. Moonchaser's oil massaged into the area helps a lot.

The pain is still annoying and I had a lot of swelling yesterday but today it seems to be a little bit better. I have to go on Friday to see the PS and I am not sure if he is going to fill me up again but I think he is.

Now I am off to take some pics of my work!

My sister was away for the labor day weekend on a camping trip. She last spoke to me the day after my surgery which was 8/17. She came home when I was napping in my grandmas room and only said hello for one second to my DD. Her excuse was that she was 'dirty' and needed to get washed. She came home at 6:20pm. I came out of my grandmothers room at 10 to 7 and still no sister in site. We left at 8pm and my sister didnt even come out and say goodbye. Hell, she didnt even say hello so why should I expect her to say goodbye. Anyway, I wanted to add that here because I was hurt yet again by her behavior. My Mom says that I should get over it but she is an only child without any sibblings, she doesnt get it. I also told her that if one of my kids were acting that way toward the other I would DEFINITELY have a conversation with them about their behavior because its just plain WRONG. I know that I would never treat my only sister this way.

Back to School

I signed up yesterday at the local yarn shop for a class on making Magic Loop Socks. The class is in October and I cant wait! When I get really good I can give socks as Christmas presents next year. Right now I am making them on DPN's so its going a bit slow. Its only a 3 day class thats 2 hours a class for a total of 6 hours.

Last night with the reminants of Hurricane Ernesto hitting us, we lost power at 11 pm and then it came back on at 1 am. I was so pissed about it because I was in the middle of knitting and its really hard doing it in the candle light, I must say. I didnt get to bed until 3:30 am anyway. I am not even sure its insomnia or just that I feel I have so many things to do and not enough time in the day to do them. Cant the day be 26 hours long?

My Mom is getting ready to do the AVON WALK FOR BREAST CANCER in October in NYC. She has raised $7,500 so far. I am planning on going down there to the opening/closing ceremonies. My DH is going to have to stay home with the kids because they cant come. I am probably going with my Dad because he knows how to get around the city better than me.

Drain Removal and my 1st Expansion

I finally changed my blog name and I am so happy I did! Since I changed it I also changed the http address so if you have it saved to your favorites as the old one, you are going to come up with a message that it doesnt exist anymore.

I went to the PS on Wed to take my drains out. It wasnt as bad as I thought it was going to be but man were those suckers in deep! I felt the 'pop' when he pulled them out. After he pulled them he suggested that I get my 1st 'filler up' of the expanders to help push out any fluid that was laying around the expander. I couldnt say no so I had that done. Its not painful but lots of pressure involved since it involves the chest muscles and skin over it. I didnt feel it right away but when I arrived back home I couldnt even move my arms and had to get into bed to rest. After about 24 hours they felt much better. I have to watch for certain signs that their is a build-up of fluid but everything seems to be OK right now. I am going to be knocking on some wood for continued luck in this area! I have an appointment with him in a week to see how I am progessing.

In the knitting news: I crocheted a dog jacket for my short haired doxie because he is always cold in the fall/winter months. It was a tad to big on him so I sent it to my friend who has a doxie thats a bit bigger than mine and she has done so much for me over the past 6 months that its the least I can do for her. I hope it fits him.

I was working on socks and I had to frog them (rip them up and start over) because DH and I had an arguement last night and I was in the middle of a row. During the arguement I lost a DPN and all the stitches got messed up. I was actually crying that this happened because it took me so long to get to where I was. I plan on starting it over today with a different sock pattern. The arguement was a stupid one too. He was stressed because he couldnt sleep and he had to wake up early for work this morning. He kept telling me that I was keeping him awake. I dont know how I was doing that because I was doing what I normally do every night when he is sleeping. I am still mad at him for blaming me.

I also started a mohair blend scarf for my Mom's birthday which is 9/11. Its a surprise because she thinks I am only making the one that she picked all the yarn out for which in reality I havent even started yet! It shouldnt take to long to make since I am using size 13 needles to knit it up.

Speaking of the hubby, he bought me my anniversary present early this year. Our anniversary is at the end of the month. He got me the Namaste Vintage Knitting bag, here it the one at the bottom of the page. Its absolutely beautiful and I am in love. Its big enough to not only hold your knitting but also your everyday items such as wallet, cell, make-up bag, etc. I am sick of carrying so many bags when I go places and want to take my projects with me also. In case you are wondering I got it in rose/light pink, of course!
Hopefully I wont have trouble starting the sock over today.

I Should be sleeping!

I have been meaning to write about my visit to the PS on Wednesday but I have been a bit busy. I was working on knitting a pair of socks for the 1st time today and to my surprise its coming out nicely. That is until the yarn got all tangled and it took me an hour to untangle it and roll it back up!! Until tomorrow then, I need some sleep!

Changing the name of my blog

I have been thinking about it alot lately but I want to change the name of my blog to something that is more appropriate to what it happening with me at this time in my life. I have been diagnosed with cancer, been treated for cancer, had 2 surgeries for cancer, reconstruction of my breasts due to their loss from cancer and have recently been declared cancer free. In other words I have suvived and I plan on surviving the rest of my life no matter how long that may be. Its also not just about surviving anymore, its about living and I know I have lots of that to do too!

My life will never be the same again and I have accepted that. It will never be "normal". I need to find a happy medium for me and my definition of what "normal" is.

Over the past few months knitting and crocheting have become my refuge so I know they will be in the title. I have a poll going on at TLHC to see which one of these titles win:

KNIT HAPPENS
PURL INTERRUPTED
CROCHET IT AIN'T SO!

Those were the top three my DH and I liked and seemed appropriate for my circumstances. Here are some others I came across:

I KNIT THEREFORE I AM
KNIT FREE OR DIE
KNITTING A NEW LIFE
PURLS OF WISDOM
JOURNALING THROUGH MY YARN STASH
MY LIFE, MY YARNS
BALLS, SKEINS & HANKS, OH MY!
YARN BABY!
BOUND FOR GLORY
MY LIFE'S YARNINGS

They are all cute in their own way and there are so many out there that are taken like:

WIPS AND CHAINS

I liked that one a whole lot but it belongs to someone else who was smarter than me to think it up!

I also realize that I am going to have to post more pictures or links to them to show my handiwork. No one wants to just talk about knitting and crochet and not see pics! Of course not.

I went ahead and changed the backround and the title will soon follow.

Title change in the wind?

I was seriously considering changing the title to this blog. When I look back on what I endured the past 6 months it seems appropriate because it was my story of surviving BC and I won. Now its a journey of sorts. One that I have never embarked on in the past so I am unsure how to go about doing it. Life for me is a journey at this point. There is a lot to see on this journey called my life (I hope) so I will consider changing it to something like that.

Update on the drains: They are still draining and I have lots of swelling in between the breast area. PS said that he might have to stick a needle in there and drain it on Wednesday when he pulls both drains. There is also some nasty discharge from where the drain enters my body. I am sure you wanted to know all that. Anyway, I did what a good nurse would do, I cleaned it with some H2O2 and Betadine solution. I am still on the antibiotic so hopefully thats doing a good job at keeping infection away.

Tomorrow my family was going to come up for dinner but my Nana is not feeling well so they are staying home. I have lots of knitting and crocheting planned. So much to do before Christmas and not a lot of time to do it. I have an afghan that I put on hold due to the fact I have other stuff that has to get done first. Right now I am finishing up my daughters winter hat (that I frogged once already) and a scarf for my Aunt's Christmas present. I cant believe how long that ones been taking me. I had some issues with a pattern I used for my Dads hat. They said to cast on 70 stitches and it came out way too big. I had to go to the craft store yesterday and get elastic cord and thread it through the ribbing of the hat. It looks fine and you cant tell anything is different but I am pissed at myself and at the jerk that made the pattern!

One Week Post Surgery

Yesterday I had my follow up with the PS to check and see if the drains could come out. In order for them to come out there has to be less than 30ml in a 24 hour period being put out by the body and I am no where near that amount. Its about 75ml on the right breast and 65ml on the left breast. Its funny that the breast without the cancer has the most issues with amount of drainage and with pain.

The Doctor retaped my steri strips and felt around to see if everything was where it was supposed to be. There is so much pressure on my chest right now that it hurt when he did that. He also wasnts me to remain on the Clindamycin until the drains come out and he gave me another script to fill. I have been on it since before going into surgery except it was IV and now its pills.

The hardest part of my days have been in the morning when getting out of bed. I have to sleep slightly elavated so I have on of those geometric pillows under my upper body with my satin pillow under my head. Then I have a pillow under my legs and a body pillow to the left of me to prevent my DH from hurting me unintentionally in his sleep. THEN I have a small pillow under both arns where the drains originate from. You thought I would never end there did ya! Its the only way I can sleep due to the drains, inscisions and expander placement. I have heard other women who have gone through this say the best way to sleep is in a recliner which I dont have nor do I have the $ to buy one right now. Plus, I dont want to sleep in a chair, I want to sleep in a bed! My bed. I have at least accomplished that. This morning I had more pain then usual and swelling so I called the Dr this evening and he asked a ton of questions to make sure it wasnt an infecton. He said I might need an increase in my pain meds and that he wants to see me on Friday. He doent think the drains will come out them either but definitely they will come out on Wed the 30th because you cant keep them in a day longer than that

The pain is bad as I mentioned many times but it hasnt stopped me from doing the things I love. No, I dont mean clean either because I havent done any! Since coming home on Friday I have been to the yarn store about 4 times. Yarn addict, thats me. First yarn store visit:On Saturday my Mom and I went to 2 places and she was treating so hey, why not get some nice stuff, on sale of course. She wants me to make her this gorgeous scarf that I have designed in my head already and its simply stunning if it comes out the way I envision it. Its for wearing with her suits at work and neutral colors but still full of color at the same time. She said that there was no rush on it but I want to get it done so she can have it for Christmas.
My Mom wanted to go see some puppies in the town next over from mine and I LOVE dogs so why not. I saw a Maltachshund, which is a combo of a Maltese with a Doxie and it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. The price of the dog was crazy though ($1400) so NO buyee the doggee mommee. We didnt go there to buy a dog anyway just to look and have fun. It so happens that one of my favorite yarn stores is down the street from the puppy place so there was our Second store: This is the store where my Mom found all the components for her scarf and she was thrilled. I knew however that I needed more of one material which I ordered from www.knitpicks.com which I consider my Third yarn store visit
Yesterday after my Dr's appointment my DH took me to the little knitting store by the hospital Fourth visitand they had a HUGE 50% off sale and I couldnt resist. I was surprised my DH was so interested in the yarn I was buying.I bought one of my favorite yarns, Koigu. I hope I spelled that right. I dont like misspelling things but I do it all the time.
Today my Dad came over to take me, DH and the kids out to breakfast and the nearest IHOP is 1 mile away from AC MOORE where they have a million different yarns! So there is the Fifth visit to a yarn store!

When I got home I received my Denise Interchangeable Needle Set!!!
Now I am in the middle of making my Dad's hat to go with his scarf that I made a few weeks ago. Both are made with a Fisherman's Wool combo and I know he is going to like them.

I have been going through some very stressful & upsetting happenings lately stemming from a member on another site that I will not mention and I will not go into the drama here in my blog. This person should be ashamed of themselves for taking advantage of my situation with my health and thats the lowest you can go. So what I have to say is to my other friends here, "Please dont trust anyone and if you have a suspicion about someone then you are probably right. Trust your instincts!" I'd like to thank all those who have reached out to help me and been so kind to me and also made me feel at ease over the whole situation. Maybe someday I can go into more detail.

5 Days Post-Op

I went into the hospital on Tuesday Aug. 15th at 6:15am. They took me right in and started and IV and premedicated me. I have had surgery before but all this was happening so fast! Before going into the OR the anesthesiologist came to see me along with the PS and the BS. I was EXTREMELY upset that I wasnt having the anesthesiologist that signed onto my case weeks ago. I told this one that I had a fear of waking up in massive pain and he promised that wouldnt happen. (I'll go into it later but he lied)

I was rolled into the OR at 7:30-7:45pm and they medicated me immediately so I dont remember anything of the surgery. I do however remember waking up crying in agony. I was crying because it hurt to even breathe. The anesthesiologist was supposed to follow me into the recovery room but didnt and my DH was pissed about that. He put in a call to my pain specialist who met me when I got into my room. If it wasnt for him and the nurse practitioner that he works with I would have been up sh*ts creek without a paddle. I had a foley cath in and was not allowed to move out of bed anyway so I pressed the pain button lots of times.

The nurses and assistants assigned to me during my time there were fabulous. They made sure I got up and helped me to wash and do the stuff I still cant do yet due to the 2 drains coming out from under each arm. I didnt have a dressing because the surgeon doesnt think they are benefitial and used something called Xeroform dressing just to cover it gently.

I brought tons of crochet and knitting with me to the hospital and everyone that came into my room would ask me what I was making. I made a pretty scarf with a flower for my breast surgeon and she loved it. She couldnt believe that I did it in one night! Well, I had nothing else to do so why not. My Mom bought me a few books on kniting and yarn too. She is making me make he this gorgeous scarf (no time limit) and I made her get me all the proper yarn that the project requires. I cant wait to get my Denise Interchangeable Needles so I can start some of these projects that I have been meaning to start since I came home on Friday. My Mom liked the scarf I made the Dr so much that I made her one with the left over yarn I had from the first one.

Right now I am in a lot of pain and taking my meds like I am supposed to do. With these expanders under the muscle in my chest it feels like I have something there that shouldnt be there. I know it shouldnt be there but you know what I mean. I have to see the PS on Tuesday to see if the drains will come out. They have to be draining less than 30ml in a 24 hour period and I am FAR away from that. I think he wants to see how I am progressing anyway.

Many people called me in the hospital and I was very relieved that they did. I didnt have to stress over the fact that someone didnt call. There are still people that havent called me but I have accepted that people like that exist and I cant do a thing about it.

Thanks to everyone who thought about me or said a prayer, I appreciate it.

My Pathology report came back and it was totally clear of any cancer!!! I am cancer free so I am off to change my siggy now...Where is that dancing naner when you need it??

Countdown, 10 days

August 2nd Wed~ I had my pre-op appt with the plastic surgeon and asked all the questions that I forgot to ask and wrote down the last time I saw him. He showed me pictures of the finished results on other women like myself and I was happy with what I saw. Of course I would be happier with my own breasts but I know thats not possible and I am totally ready for this surgery. As we get closer I get more anxious but I am more nervous over the fact its a 5-6 hour surgery than anything else. I had the PS also take a look at a scab that formed over an area that opened up on my incision line and I was having lots of pain and discomfort in my left breast and down my arm. He felt and said that maybe a suture came to the surface and thats what caused it. OK no problem since all that is going to be removed anyway. I just dont want an infection or something to delay my surgery.

Yarn crazy!~On the way home I stopped at the yarn store in the next town over and its GORGEOUS! Its 4X the size of the one in my town and I spent more than I should have. Pretty, pretty yarns, my precious!

Aug 3rd, Thurs~When I was getting out of the shower on Wed night the scab came off my incision and puss came out of the HOLE that was there along the suture line. Sorry if that was TMI but now I was freaking out. I called the surgeon (breast surgeon, Dr Ward) and she told me to come into her office the next day. We went down to her office and she took a look at it and tried to get the underlying suture but was unable to grab it. She told me that it probably was slightly infected and that my lymph is compromised in that area since I had some removed and thats the pain and discomfort I felt. So she said it would be better to put Bacitracin on it than take any antibiotic orally. On the way home we stopped at another yarn store in Greenwich and I bought some 100% Merino Wool to make my hubby some socks and also some sock yarn that my CROCHET SOCKS book calls for. I am doing well with them so far and I am presently working on the leg part of the sock (working down to the toes) I am a much better crocheter than knitter with socks and I want to change that so I bought DPNs and I ordered a kit that has every needle known to man:
http://www.crochet-knit.com/item_801.html
Isnt that AWESOME! It wont be shipped until they get back from vacation which is August 10th but thats OK, I have enough projects to work on now. I added a crochet kitchen towel using intarsia knitting to get my color changing skills up to par. I dont want to be afraid to use different colors when I knit or crochet.
My DH bought me some plastic storage containers that match the bedroom. They are lavender and so cute! They hold all my stuff and I can see all the pretty yarn I have whenever I want. My laptop also can charge nicely resting on top of them.

Aug 4th, Fri~I woke up this morning and the white part of my right eye was so swollen that there was an actual ridge that you could see on the edge of my iris and I had a problem closing my eye. I immediately called my friend who is an eye Dr and she told me to come in. She examined me and said that it might have been an allergic reaction or just allergies in general that caused it. She gave me an antibiotic/steroid drop that I am using in both eyes, just in case.

On the way home we stopped at AC Moore Arts and Crafts and I bought more yarn for my blanket and another to make the scarf I am making longer. I avoided buying any needles because I am getting that kit in the mail soon enough.

Today I received my earings in the mail and they are beautiful! I tried on the CBR's with the pink stones and they look great. The 14G went in OK. The left ear a tad tight but not to bad. I put my 16G back in because I am not sure if I can keep my earings in for surgery. I have to tell DH to ask the anesthesiologist about that.

Tomorrow my Mom and Dad, Nana and 2 great aunts are coming for dinner. My Mom just got back from her vacation and the kids and I missed them a lot.

Ceiling Fans, Toilets and Gas, Oh my!

I have a HUGE migraine right now, hopefully I am getting my period which I missed this month. I am hoping I do because I am SO bloated and started my diet. It would really help my confidence if I just dropped the water weight I am holding onto. I was 126 lbs when I started chemo and I am 149 lbs now (as of Saturday). Thats a 23 lbs weight gain people! I never thought I would post this here but I plan on losing it and returning to my old weight since I worked so hard to do so before the sh*t hit the fan. I just weighed myself and I lost 1/2 lb and weigh 148.5 lbs. I am shrinking by the minute!

I mailed my wig back so they can sew the little combs into it. The adhesive was pulling out my growing hairs and I cant have that. I mailed it USPS Priority and insured it for $2000. If it gets lost I can use that money to pay for it because I used my CC. I would miss it but we really need the money. Its sad because I love that wig and I still plan on wearing it when the holidays come.

Well, since we are so broke I thought that I would make a few people their Christmas gifts this year. Thats the main reason I bought so much yarn when I went to the craft store the other day. I bought lots of stuff and still need size 7 needles to make the dishtowels for the kitchen. I am making a few for me and for my Grandmother who also mentioned some interest in crocheting again. I told her I have some yarn and an extra H hook that she can have to play around with. She sounded excited about it which is strange behavior for her. She is usually grumpy but hey if it makes her feel better. I am going to Knotty Girl later and am also asking about a lesson so I can really learn how to increase, decrease and all the stuff I am having a problem with. I plan on making my Dad a nice thick bulky scarf, he loves them. I am also going to make one for my Aunt, Mom, cousins and whoever I think is in need of a scarf! Some will be for outerwear and others will be for wear with a pretty sweater. I plan on making more than scarfs though. I am still learning so give me some time. I am definitely addicted because its all I can think about is making all these pretty things! From one obsession to another I say but its all good.

Last night while I was bathing my daughter I smelled gas. The kids bathroom is on the other side of the house and my husband and son were watching a video in our bedroom and he wasnt able to smell it. The furnace and hot water heater in down stairs and on the side of the house my daughter and I were in so I assumed thats where it was coming from and it was STRONG. I called for my husband and he immediately told me and the kids to GET OUT NOW were his exact words as he threw me the phone and my wallet. On the way out the door I opened as many windows as I could and called the police. Within 3 minutes I heard the fire engines. My kids were in their pajamas and we headed out the door and across the street to our neighbor J's house. He's such a great guy and his wife and kids were out there to helping me with my son and daughter because they were frightened. Hey, so was I. I had managed to get all the animals inside the HUGE crate I have. Three dogs and two cats sharing the space together. They were all good and they knew why. Animals are so smart. I pulled the crate over to the two open French doors which leads out to our deck and I figured they would be fine. If the fire men said to remove them I would have loaded them all in my car but my kids were with me and I couldnt get them physically out by myself. Plus they were on the other side of the house were you couldnt smell gas. While we were standing in J's driveway I heard the sound of sirens. Then I see not one, not 2, not 3, not 4, but 5 fire trucks make the turn onto my street! Wow, they dont fool around I guess. J said that they dont fool around with gas because they had a couple of houses explode. Thats a nice thought. When they were inspecting the house I went over to talk to one of the firemen. He was the nicest guy you would ever want to meet. He was also HOT!! Probably MUCH younger than I too. He kept asking me questions about my kids and mentioned that his son went to the same program as mine and so on. I havent been hit on in a while and thats what was happening. I looked HORRIBLE and had pizza sauce on my white shorts and a Buff that didnt match on my head. My eyebrows which consist of brown powdered eyeliner, were practically off my face. This guy must dig chemo chicks or bald ones! It was very funny. He made sure to check EVERYTHING so I could sleep that night. Eventually they found what they thought was the problem and I agreed. At the time I smelled the gas I was bathing my daughter and using the hot water. Our hot water heater is gas and over 20 years old. It was installed in 1984. My husband put the attic fan on with all the windows shut which created a negative pressure situation in the house blowing out the pilot light on the hot water heater. Therefore the gas smell and I mean smell. We opened everything and it still registered on the firemens gas detectors thats how strong it was. So they cant say for sure but I bet thats what it was. They couldnt detect any leak elsewhere so logical reasoning would say thats what it was. I have to call the gas company and have them come out to service the hot water heater. We really need a new one because the new ones have saftey features that the old ones are lacking but they cost a pretty penny as does everything else. Add something else to the list. We did find all the cat toys when the firemen moved the stove out from the wall to check the gas line. The cats were high on cat nip the rest of the night and you should have seen my old man stoned. He was wobbling all over the place. (I realized that previous sentence doesnt sound right if you havent read the entire paragraph).

My husband is quite handy and I guess things happen in threes. Last week our ceiling fan just stopped working in our bedroom. It was 20 years old also so the motor burned out from it being on day and night. With the heat we have been having I keep it on with the AC to move the air. We went to Home Depot and got a Hampton Bay for $60. It was a great deal because the one I really wanted was way to much and unaffordable at $269. Thats crazy and way over any budget so we got the cheaper one and I love it because it works! Then our Master Bedroom toilet started to leak from the base. DH had the entire thing taken apart with a gapping hole in the ground on Monday morning when I woke up. It took him 4 hours but he fixed it. It cost $28 in parts and a plumber would have charged at least $400 for the work with labor and parts. DH also fixed the pipes that came from the sink in the bath because they broke while he was fixing the toilet. Now this gas leak thing with the hot water heater happens. Anything else that can break?

I watched the couple that bought our other house move in the other day. I couldnt get a look at them close but one drives a mini Cooper. They already have lounge chairs on the front deck and flowers. I hope they find as much happiness there as we did. I am so happy a contractor didnt buy it and knock it down, it would have broken my heart to see such a cute little colonial with so much history being knocked down for a 5,000 SF McMansion to be put in its place. I cant stand those huge houses.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my oncologist. The appointment is with the nurses and not the Dr. I am only having my port-a-cath flushed. This will be for the last time before my surgery and then its gone! I cant wait for it to come out but I am not looking forward to my surgery. I am nervous, anxious and frightened as the days inch closer and closer. I also notice that I am losing patience with little things and snapping at everyone. I think this is the reason.

I wish this damn headache would go away so I can knit and relax. It so relaxing to me when I am doing it thats one of the reasons I am doing it. Its more productive than watching TV or doing puzzles but that doesnt mean I am giving those things up either, fat chance.

2 Week Post Chemo Update

July 12, 2006, I had an appointment with my oncologist for my 2 week post chemo check. They took lots of blood and then I waited to see him. He said everything was fine and I looked great (he doesnt see me in the morning!). He told me to see a GI specialist for my stomach problem (which I thought he would say). I also requested a MRI of my head and he said he would do it after my surgery was complete. I have to have my port flushed in 2 weeks and then I dont have to see him for 3 months. That would be in October sometime. He'll probably order a PET scan along with the MRI to see if I am cancer free. I spoke to the GI Dr when I got home and he wants me to wait to see if it will heal (he thinks its an ulcer/erosion) on its own and would rather wait to do an endoscopy because he would be treating me the same as he is now. So we will wait and I'll buy stock in Gaviscon!

After the oncologist I went across the street to the hospital to see my OT. She FINALLY got the sleeve in!! BUT not the glove, which I need more than the sleeve because my hand is always swollen. I havent been able to wear my wedding band in months and it bothers me. Right now I should be wearing my sleeve but it makes my hand swell more if I dont wear it with the glove. So now we go back to waiting for the glove! What a joke. Lets hope I have everything before my surgery. I dont have to see the OT until she gets the glove in so I am awaiting the phone call from her on that. I am typing on my home computer, not my laptop and its so uncomfortable! I am so spoiled with my iBook.

My husband and I had our 3rd appointment with the therapist this morning while the kids were at camp. It was a much better session than the previous two and I didnt get upset. Things are looking up lately. I hope they continue to improve. I still find myself doing most of the talking and I wish my husband would talk more. I said that to the therapist in front of him and he thinks that he is talking alot and getting his emotions out. Its funny how men look at things differently than women.

When we got home I opened my mail and there was a check from my health insurance company that has to be signed over to the plastic surgeon so I called his office to let them know I had it. The person who picked up just happened to be the billing person/office manager and she said that I owed them more than what the check was made out for. Something like $275 more!!! That was for a consult mind you and they charged the insurance company $400!! Thats crazy, just to talk to a plastic surgeon. She said that he was out of my network and I had a certain percentage to pay. When I was there she never said that to me. Now, all the Dr's I have been seeing are out of my network (who the heck knows why when the insurance is thru my husband's job which is the hospital all these Dr's work out of!!) and they have just been taking what the insurance gives them and eating the rest out of courtesy for my husband who works at the hospital. I have not received a bill from any of the Dr's so far and only have to pay a co-pay with the pain specialist I see. So this office manager (I should call her a bitch but I'll call her B instead), B, tells me to mail the money to her. I said I dont have that money and I wont have it so I cant do a payment plan, thats how broke I am. I just paid my 2 car payments which were both 22 days late! I asked to speak to the Dr and she refused. As soon as I told her that my husband worked at the hospital she should have thought in her tiny brain that MAYBE the surgeon knows him and wants to work something out with the way its going to be handled but NO she didnt. She should have taken my number and had the Dr call me back when he had time, like all my other Dr's do. I was crying so much that I dropped the phone and was sobbing uncontrollably, my husband had to pick it up to talk to her. He explained how all the other DR's were eating the deductables and accepting what the insurance is giving them and there is no way we could pay a percentage of what the plastic surgeons bill was going to be for breast reconstruction. 20% of $20,000 (just a guess its probably much more) is a lot of money we dont have and I refuse to pay anything for because I didnt ask to get breast cancer and I am not electing to have a boob job so my insurance should pay. DH said that there is some state or federal law about that. He told B to find out from the insurance company EXACTLY what they were going to cover and how much it would be and call us back. Apparently she had no clue as to what was going to be covered or not which she should have known, thats her damn job. After he hung up with B he called my breast surgeon (she is a saint) Dr Ward and left a message with the receptionist to have her call because I was very upset over a situation with the plastic surgeon. They work together ALL the time. She called back in 15 minutes and I told her what was happening. She also doesnt take my insurance but she just accepts what the insurance company gives her. She is the definition of a beautiful, caring doctor with a wonderful bedside manner. More Dr's should be like her. She said that B had no right to tell me what the Dr would or would not do because he has worked it out with patients before, as all plastic surgeons do in cases like this, and she would personally call him and speak to him on my behalf. I cant go to another hospital because she is my breast surgeon and she is doing the mastectomy portion of the surgery. He is the only plastic surgeon that does recon at the hospital at this time. The other one that was there had privilages taken away for coming into the hospital drunk or high or something like that. Yeah, I would want him to operate on me! Anyway, Dr Ward told me that these billing people dont care who they upset, they just want to make the office the most money because it makes them look good, so they think. When B was on the phone with hubby and I was sobbing in the backround she said, "I know how difficult this must be." My husband said outright, "NO YOU DONT SO PLEASE DONT SAY YOU DO". You go hubby!!

I am so upset over this entire thing you should see what a mess I was before. I couldnt stop crying and was almost vomiting I was so upset. I am going to try and calm down because Dr Ward is doing all she can to help me.

Last week I came across a website that gives out free hats to people undergoing chemo. I think its www.heavenlyhats.com I told them it was for me and that I like the color pink. Within 5 days I received a big box with 4 hats and 2 bandanas in it! Nice ones too! One was a pink baseball hat the other was one with the pink ribbon on it & 2 were floppy Ralph Lauren hats. One bandana was a bright green with Hawaiian flowers and the other had the breast cancer ribbons on it. It was such a nice thing to do I was so happy. I have to send them a thank you note.

Tomorrow my hubby and I plan to go out after he gets out of work. Hopefully we can get something to eat and go see Pirates of the Carribbean with Johnny Depp. I want to see that movie so bad. It all depends on what time he gets home and if we can get into a place to eat. We will never get into the Japanese Restaurant that we both love because you need a reservation and I dont know when he is going to be home. My sister is actually coming up tomorrow afternoon to hang out and watch the kids after camp. My Mom is going to take over for her in the evening when we go out. They are going to either collapse from exhaustion or get their second wind and make my Mom collapse!

Saturday, DH's nurse manager (who is leaving) is having a going away party at her house. She lives down the block from us. They have a pool and lots of stuff to do so we are going to go for a few hours. The kids are going to love playing in the pool especially since we didnt open our pool this year. Its supposed to be in the 90's so I better find my bathing suit!

*************************************************************************

July 15,2006~The situation with the plastic surgeon has been resolved and the B woman called my DH at work to apologize. To little to late B. Anyway, its one less thing to stress over.

My bloods came back normal. What a relief. The only thing that was off was my TSH and Free T4 so the Dr adjusted my synthroid dosage. Hopefully it will return to more normal numbers in 4 weeks when he wants it checked again.

My husband and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean last night. It was good but the story doesnt end at the end of the movie. They leave it as a "to be continued" when the third one comes out. It was a lot scarier than the 1st one and definitely not for the kids. Well, kids that are 6 and 3 that is.

We went to the party that my husband's ex-nurse manager had today and ended up staying longer than we had planned. The kids were in the pool most of the time that we were there and both DH and I were in there with them. I had a good time even though I didnt feel to great wearing my bathing suit. I barely made it into it due to the weight I gained during chemo. Most of the people DH works with are nice but there is one particular person that we avoided and I wont mention names here. She is the new Nurse Manager and I waiting for her do screw up because its only a matter of time. Its a long story about her and I dont feel like going through it but believe me she is not a nice person.

My stomach is still bothering me and I stopped taking the Zegerid and started back on the Protonix. I'll see if I notice a difference in how I feel. I dont want to have an endoscopy so anything to avoid it would be nice.

Tomorrow we are going to my Mom's for dinner because she is going away for a few weeks and my Grandmother is going to the shore with my Great Aunt. I am a little nervous because I am going to be doing things for the 1st time without some help and I am expecting to be totally wiped out. I know I can do it though because I did it after I had back surgery 3 years ago. The difference is that my son wasnt as active three years ago!

Time to work on some easy crosswords.

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear?

Houston, we have FUZZ! My head has a 5 O'clock shadow and I can see my hair line for the 1st time since March. I am excited over this! I am beginning to use my Morrocco Method Products to help get the growth going a bit faster. If it does what it should and works I'll buy more. I am going to use up what I have first and see what happens because it is expensive.

I am still not feeling well from last weeks Taxotere infusion and my left eye is still twitching. Hopefully it will calm down and stop driving me crazy. My stomach is also acting weird. I need to write all this stuff down so when I see the oncologist next week I can tell him.

Tomorrow my husband and I have our 2nd counciling session with the therapist. I dont want to cry as much as I did the last time we went but I have a feeling I will.

My 8th and LAST Chemotherapy Treatment~6/29/06

I had my last treatment on Thursday morning and we were all running a bit late. My husband and I stopped to get the office staff pastries and the girl at the bakery was the nastiest b*tch walking the face of the earth. The bakery is great but dealing with nastiness like that is not worth it. She acted like we were bothering her giving the place business. Last time I checked thats what pays your check jerk.

After that encounter we headed to the office and the lab 1st for bloods to make sure all was well with receiving the treatment. My hematocrit was low and they wanted to give me Procrit but I have gone this far without is so I said that I would rather skip it if it was OK with the Dr. It was OK with him, thats probably why I am so darn tired right now. Right before the treatment the Dr wanted to see me in the exam room to get a look at the rash and give his verdict on it. He asked all kinds of questions and finally came to the conclusion that I had a form of what my son had, the Coxackie virus. Adults can get it but not necessarily in the same form that the child would get it. Its healing slowly with the cream I am using so he said to continue using it. We agreed that we would stick with Taxotere as the last treatment because we all agreed that the viral rash was just brought about because of my low blood counts and immunosupressed status and not a result of the drug.

I assumed the usual position in my lucky chair and they gave me all my pre-meds while hubby went out to get some lunch before I fell asleep. We ate lunch and then I started to get a pain in my chest. I wasnt sure if it was gas or a reaction from the Taxotere. They stopped the infusion for a few minutes and gave me some TUMS for my stomach then turned it on really slow. I wanted to get it finished no matter how long it took. I fell asleep the last hour or so that it took to infuse and I was soooo tired afterwards I cant even describe. I was unsure if I was going to make it to the appointment with the pain specialist afterwards.

We left the office at 2pm for the appointment with the pain specialist across the street. There was a ton of people in the office and NO WAY I was going to be able to wait around to see this guy. I waited 15 minutes and realized that the people waiting were already waiting over 45 minutes! I told his nurse practitioner that I had to reschedule another day because I just had chemo and needed to get to bed ASAP. She understood and didnt realize why I was an hour and a half late. I told her they had to slow down my infusion due to chest pain and then she got it. Duh, I thought I told her that I was coming straight over from receiving a treatment when I made the appointment. Well, anyway I can wait, I have enough pain medicine.

When I got home I went straight to bed and didnt move from 3pm-8pm that night. I woke up to shower and get back in bed then awoke again at 2am and had a snack of some cookies and milk to settle my stomach and get back to bed. I have been so exhausted after this treatment that I was teasing that they gave me the old stuff from when I 1st started my chemo treatments!

Yesterday I didnt even want to get up to go for my OT at the hospital but I had to because the Taxotere makes me swell quite a bit. Anything to avoid making the lymphedema worse is better than not doing anything at all so I went. When we got home I hopped into bed again exhaused from doing nothing. I fell asleep again until 7pm and my husband had made the kids dinner again, just like the previous night. You know when I dont prepare dinner then I dont feel well at all. I woke up just long enough to help bathe the kids and sit and watch a video with them. After they went to bed I had some ice cream (my dinner) and watermelon, take a shower and get back in bed. I fell asleep until 1-2am and then couldnt get back to sleep until after 3am. I was hurting quite a bit and got up several times to take pain meds but nothing was working. Finally something kicked in and I fell asleep close to 4am and woke up when the kids did. I had a very hard time getting out of bed and my husband had gone to work so I had no choice but to get up. My Mom wasnt coming until after 10:30am and the kids werent waiting. I had to lay down a few times in between getting the kids breakfast and stuff. The poor dogs had to hold it to wait for me to get enough energy up to get outside and walk them. I am so glad that this is the last treatment because I cant do this anymore. I feel like crap after this and I want it to go away as soon as possible. I feel totally useless to everyone and its not a good feeling. My son starts camp on Monday and I have to get him up early to catch the bus. I know he can handle it but I am not sure I can. At least my daughter doesnt start camp until the following week and an hour later then my son does.

I am sorry I didnt have a chance to update until today. I know a lot of people were wondering how I was doing and waiting for me to write. I could be better but hopefully as the days go by and this stuff gets out of my system I will feel much better. I took some pictures at the office while I was hooked up getting my treatment but I am not sure when I am going to be able to post them.

Plastic Surgeon Appointment

JUNE 28th, 2006~Today was my appointment with the plastic surgeon and DH went with me. I left the kids with my Mom because I figured the conversation and topic would not be appropriate and also because we would probably not get a chance to talk with a 6 and 3 year old present.

I liked the Dr a lot and I have heard great things about him. I feel comfortable with him and thats whats important. He filled me in on what is going to happen in the OR after the mastectomy takes place and what he is going to be doing. If this is TMI for everyone you can skip ahead, I understand.

After they remove the breast tissue (they try to spare as much skin as possible but they have to take the nipple because its breast tissue where recurrance of the cancer can take place), they then place "expanders" under the pectoralis muscle and skin. They are using a special tissue called Aloderm to aid in forming the shape of the new breast without pulling in another muscle (cant remember the name). If they do it without this material there is more discomfort involved and the breast doesnt look as good/natural as it can look. The Dr explained that many people get grossed out about this stuff because its harvested from cadavers BUT the cells are washed, sterilized and go through a process where the DNA and other stuff is removed or something like that and this 'tissue' actually becomes part of my own body because my cells grow into it like a mesh. Then they place drains into you for a week or two to drain extra fluid that accumulates. I had one drain after my lumpectomy and this time I will have at least 2, hopefully no more than that. They are also going to be removing my port-o-cath during this surgery which I am thrilled over and wish I can get it out tomorrow after my last treatment. After a 3-4 day stay in the hospital they allow you to heal for 2-4 weeks and then begin to inject saline into the expander to stretch the muscle and skin slowly so there is the least amount of pain involved. They usually inject about 50-100cc of saline at once and this is done once a week to once every 2 weeks depending upon how well your body adjusts to the expanding. After you reach the size you are comfortable with (this can take anywhere from a few months to many months) they let you remain with the expanders in for a few more months to make sure the tissue is stretched enough for the next procedure. The next procedure is called an 'exchange' or 'swap' surgery that is done as an outpatient. They remove the expanders and replace them with the implants. I am almost 100% decided on gel implants otherwise known as silicone. The Dr went over all the studies done and that they are just as safe as saline and actually he recommends them for women with mastectomies because they feel and look more natural than the saline implants. Women who have implants for cosmetic reasons still have breast tissue that the implant is behind so there is no issue with how natural it looks. With a woman with a mastectomy there is nothing there but some muscle the implant is under and the skin on top. I did my own research and I was in total agreement with all that he said to me and so was DH which means a lot when he agrees also. The last procedure is done anytime after you are healed from the exchange surgery. It can occur 2-3 weeks after or anytime after. I have heard of women waiting up to a year to do the last procedure. This final procedure involves making the nipple part of the breast. They take tissue that is darker in color usually from the inner thigh area or other private areas (I'm not to sure of exactly where) and use that to form the nipple. After that is formed they do tatooing of the area to make it appear more realistic. I was undecided whether or not I wanted to do this but after seeing the Dr today I think if I have come this far then it makes sense for me to complete the job and have nice looking breasts even though they arent the ones I was born with.

When it comes down to it I would take my 35 year old saggy breasts over implants any day but I am happy that I will have breasts to wear clothing and not feel uncomfortable if I wanted tro wear something a bit revealing. Heck, I might be able to wear things I never was able to wear before! I gotta look at the bright side of things here otherwise I would be crying my eyes out at the loss of my boobies. The breast surgeon said something to me a few weeks ago when I went to see her to discuss the surgery. After I was crying my eyes out in her office explaining that I have an emotional attatchment to my breasts because I nursed both my children for 2+ years each and when I think about them as infants I think about the times I sat in my rocking chair nursing them. She said to me that at that time in my life my breasts were my friends and they fed my babies and made them grow into happy healthy children but now they are the enemy and not my friend. They need to be dealt with appropriately so I never have to go through this hell again. Since she said this to me I have been thinking like that but let me tell you how hard it is. They are a part of me being a woman and I am a bit attatched so I am working on changing my mindset. I have 6 weeks to do that. Surgery is scheduled for the middle of August so I am working on viewing my breasts as the enemy and losing a few pounds so I can go into this surgery a bit healthier. I gained so much weight with all the steroids I have taken during chemo that I have blown up quite a bit. I know that I will lose it because I already did it once and I am more determined than ever. I am waiting for my NutriSystem to arrive and I am starting my diet after the 4th of July.

I thought the day would never come and it seemed so far away when I began my treatment in March. Tomorrow is the day of my last chemotherapy treatment. I am not sure if I am excited about it or not. I feel kind of indifferent about it because I feel like I should be doing something else to help myself. Unfortunately since my tumors were whats called Triple Negative (it means that the tumor is estrogen, progesterone and Her2 receptor NEGATIVE and cannot be treated with tamoxifen, arimidex or herceptin because it wont respond to them). Being triple negative has its good and bad things about it. The bad is that if you are triple negative you have the highest rate of recurrance within 2.5-5 years. After you have reached the 5 year mark you actually have a lower recurrance risk than the people who are positive for any of those 3 receptors. What many people dont understand about breast cancer is that there is no 5 year rule like other cancers. With most other cancers after 5 years they say you are cancer free or cured (many dont like the use of that word because there is no 'cure' for cancer) but with breast cancer they cant say that because you can have a recurrance 10, 15 or 20 years down the road. When I first read that I was stunned because I didnt know that but I made up my mind not to dwell on statistics and numbers because everyone is different and they cant classify you or throw you into this group or that group of women with BC. Mark Twain once said that there are 3 types of lies: Lies, damned lies and statistics. This is so true because with all the medical problems I have had I was supposed to be in the higher statistical range and not have the disease but I did. Thats why I hate numbers and statistics.

Well, I got to get to sleep because tomorrow is a big day and I have to see the pain specialist AFTER my treatment. I had no choice because he didnt have an appointment available before my treatment. I also have to do something nice for the nurses so I think DH and I are going to get some pastry for them. I want to do more but dont have enough time in the morning plus I have to think about what I want to get them. They were all wonderful and I love every one of them.

A special thanks to my "THREE MUSKETEERS" who came through for me today with a surprise bouquet of flowers in celebration of my last treatment. But more so than the flowers and gifts given to me, they have shown me such support, love and compassion throughout this entire time I've been treated that it cant compare to any material gift. What they have given me cant be bought in any store. I love the three of them with my whole heart and they will be with me tomorrrow as I start another journey in my life.

Major Complaints

I thought it would be healthy for me to get these things out so I can feel better.
Things that have been upsetting, bothering, annoying and/or hurting me:

1) People who call and all they can talk about is cancer and my treatments.
Example~"Hi CB, how are you feeling? Did I wake you up?"
"No, I wasnt sleeping, just resting. I am feeling OK" (not sure I want to go into detail about whats been bothering me such as this rash and other stuff people dont want to hear thats TMI).
"Oh, you were resting? I shouldnt have bothered you. I'll call you back later then."
"No really, you are not bothering me. If I didnt want to talk I wouldnt have picked up the phone." (wondering if they have now taken offense to this statement).
"Did you have your last treatment yet or is it this week? Was it better than the last treatment?"
"No my last treatment is the 29th but I am not sure if it is going to be delayed due to the reaction I had."
"Oh, thats good, its almost over for you then." (Yeah right, its NEVER over for someone diagnosed with cancer with the fear of recurrence hanging over your shoulder. How I hate when people say this. I think I hate it more than- THINGS WILL GO BACK TO NORMAL WHEN YOU ARE DONE WITH TREATMENT AND YOU CAN GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I thought I was living my life RIGHT NOW. Things have been changed in ways people without cancer cannot imagine and they will never be the same. There is a NEW normal and I have to define it myself. I have to define it for me, my DH and my two children)
"Yeah right"
"Did you get your genetic testing results back yet?"
"Yes, I did and it was negative. I am happy about that"
"Thats wonderful, you dont have to worry about that now" (Very dumb statement here because I DO have to worry even though I dont have the genetic markers. I have to worry because of the fact that I am a cancer survivor and the risk of recurrence is always looming. Also just because they didnt find the genetic marker for BrCa1 or 2 they also tell you that they are discovering more genetic markers every day so I might have BrCa3 or 4 if they exist. With more research they will discover more and more which will be helpful for my children and all the children of women with BC).
"Oh, so and so has the gene you know. She's not to concerned right now because she is concentrating on her career. She's only 33 anyway so she has until she's 40 to think about what she is going to do".
"OK, well, cancer is not on a timer that you can set it and plan for it to happen. She should put her health first before her career. I was diagnosed when I was 34 and I did everything to prevent it, I still got it though." (I also wasnt going to say sorry that she has the gene, thats stupid because many people have the gene and dont know it plus why am I sorry? She DOESNT HAVE CANCER. It also makes me feel stupid because she's acting like she's going to be smarter than I was an avoid getting it at such a young age. I did everything in my power to prevent cancer and I also found that lump as soon as I possibly could have thanks to self-breast exam. My lump grew so fast that it wasnt there a month earlier when I did an exam and it was such a fast growing aggresive tumor that it spread to my lymph nodes already in that span of time! Oh but she's going to be smarter than me. If you have the gene you have 87-90% chance that you will get cancer in your life time. Yeah, it sucks but if you know that and can prevent it with a prophlactic mastectomy you can decrease that number to what the normal #'s are for people without the gene)

You get the point here from this example of a conversation with a relative. Sometimes it amazes me how stupid people can be. I do know their intentions are to be nice and comforting but it comes out wrong and annoys the crap out of me. They need to think before they talk.

2) People who constantly tell me to think positive and having that mindset is the best attitude to have because you will heal better and then the cancer has less of a chance at coming back. OK, first of all I know that I have to be positive and I am very positive. I need to be a little negative once in a while, its my right gosh darn it! These people could be talking about anything else with me and they chose this topic. Lets take a guess how many times a cancer patient has heard this, "Now, you know you have to think positive, thats half the battle." I dont disagree with this statement at all. Its very true. I just dont need to hear it 100 million times. The funny thing is that most of the people telling me to be positive are the most negative, pessamistic people around. If I could take a gander I would guess that they themselves would not heed their own advice if they were the ones in my shoes! Yes, its laughable but it annoys me. I would tell these people to look in the mirror, pretend that they have no hair, eyebrows or eyelashes. After that put on makeup that gives them dark circles under their eyes, swollen eyelids, yellow powder on their face or grey depending upon what chemo they were given a few days ago. THEN say to that person in the mirror, "YOU KNOW THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF IS TO THINK POSITIVE, ITS HALF THE BATTLE. My guess is that they wont say that statement to a cancer patient again any time soon.

3) When I was 1st diagnosed I cant tell you how many people called me to say they were sorry and whatnot. This complaint isnt about them saying they were sorry even though its a bad choice of words but anyway (please dont be offended if any one of you guys said it to me, I dont mean anyone here, I meant my dumb ass relatives who said it like I was dead already or planning my funeral) they could have said it in a different tone of voice OR said, "I am sorry to HEAR about your cancer".
The real complaint I was originally writing about is that people would say, "If there is ANYTHING, I MEAN ANYTHING I can do for you please let me know." Most of the time these statements would come from people I would NEVER ask for anything ever. Not because they arent nice or anything like that but because I dont think they would actually do what I would need them to do PLUS like I said I would never ask them even before I got sick. OK, so say Mary (a fictitious person used as an example), an aquaintance of mine, said this to me. She lives in NY about an hour away and has a full time job and kids of her own to deal with so if I need her to pick up the kids at school one day she would drop everything, including HER job and HER children and do this for me. NO, I dont think so. Remember, she's not a friend of mine but an aquaintance so for her to throw out a statement like, "If there is anything I can do..." is foolish on her part and means nothing. These people need to find something better to say, something that they can stand behind instead of statements they cant. Now I have FRIENDS that I KNOW would do anything for me. My friend J, is like that. If I needed her help, no matter what the reason, she would call in sick to work, leave her son with her Mom or sister, drive over 2 hours to my house from where she lives and do whatever I asked her to do. I know she would do it because she is my friend, has been for many years and has done things similar to that in the past for me as I have for her. She is like my sister. We can go for a few months without hearing from each other due to our crazy schedules and because life is busy for both of us. When we finally do get in touch with one another we pick up where we left off like time never passed between us. Thats the definition of a true friend. Someone who doesnt keep score as to who did what for whom and sh*t like that. I hate that sh*t. People who do that are to into themselves to care about anyone but themselves therefore incapable of having friends. I call them self-serving, self-imortant a-holes who will die alone due to this factor in their meager existance they call their life. Harsh but true.

Well, I know there will be more complaints and I wrote enough for people to read and hopefully not vomit! Actually, I have had a headache all day and I am going to TRY and get some sleep with the help of some pain medicine. I am stressing over the fact that I have my last treatment on Thursday and I am thinking of all the things that can go wrong with this one.

Update on the rash~Its looking good with the use of the cream. Its still itchy but no where near as itchy as it was before. I just hope the chemo doesnt make it come back or get worse but I will keep my hopes up.

Last chemotherapy is on Thursday, only 2 days away. I thought I would be happy and overjoyed over this but I find myself very upset and emotional. I feel like I am on the verge of crying all the time and its driving me crazy. I wish I could learn to meditate and do yoga. So many people say that it helps them relax. I wish I was one of those people. Oh yeah, most of the people that say it helps them dont have cancer either. I wonder if that makes a difference.

Another drug reaction? Can it really be happening? Oh and the kids are both sick!

Didnt sleep much last night due to the "itch" and the heat and humidity. We had a power failure at around 4am and that woke me up because I heard the AC shut down and everything else that runs on electricity shut down also. All I kept thinking about was the food in the fridge going bad and I cringed

I did get back to sleep for a few hours but then had to get up to be at an OT appointment at 10:30am. I decided to stop at the oncologists office first so he could take a look at the rash on my neck again because it had gotten worse. I also had the rash located around my female regions and it looked bad, thats all I'll say. Sorry to gross anyone out. My Dr wasnt in so I saw one of his associates (a woman that I dont like). She brought me into an exam room and looked at my neck. I asked her if she wanted to see the other parts of my body that contained the rash. She said, no thats OK. OK, well, I would feel better if you looked at it, I said. She insisted that she didnt need to see it and that it was a drug rash from the Taxotere. She continued to ask me what I was doing for it and I told her about the benadryl and atarax for the itch and also the creams I had been using on it. I used an antibiotic, hydrocortisone, antifungal cream and powder and not all at the same time. None of them worked too well so then I was just using plain cornstarch to stop the itch and absorb the moisture. I asked her about my throat because I have no voice at the moment and both my kids are being treated for strep throats with antibiotics. Do you think she did a throat culture or blood cultures? NO, and that surprised me because my WBC count was extremely low a few days ago when I came in to have it checked. She looked down my throat and said it looked fine. Funny, when I looked down my throat WITH A FLASHLIGHT SO I COULD SEE, it was RED and had striations typical of a strep infection. So, no culture, no blood tests, no meds, nothing. This was turning into a supreme waste of my time and I was late for my OT appointment! She told me as I was leaving that I might want to see a dermatologist. Maybe my regular oncologist should have mentioned this to me the other day before he said that HE wanted to see me again if it got worse.

I post on a breast cancer board and another woman had the same skin breakout as me with the same chemo drug, Taxotere. She said the Dr had never seen anyone with those type of blisters/rash and that it must be herpes. To make a long story short the woman insisted she never had herpes and they ran a test because the Dr was an asshole and didnt listen to his patient. The tests showed that she was negative for the herpes virus and the Dr was WRONG. I wonder if he apologized to her over that? Most of these Dr's get tunnel vision and only see the part of the picture that they want to see instead of the WHOLE picture.

After that fiasco I went to my OT appointment and had my fluid filled arm wrapped because yet again my compression garment is not in (she said today it would probably be in later in the day WHOOPIE! later in the day when I am HOME where it can do me a whole lot of good)

We left the hospital just in time to make it to the counciling place where we live. I was a bit nervous about this entire thing but knew that it was something we have to do before we rip each others eyes out. The kids had to come with us because school is out and camp hasnt started yet. They were very accomadating to us with having another councilor to watch the kids while we were with the other. I cant say she watched them very well though because they were running up and down the stairs of the old colonial the counciling place is in and they are quite steep. I was silently biting my tongue inside the room as I heard their shennanigans from there. God forbid my kids behave for a moment that I REALLY need them to! The world would stop rotating on its axis. Yup, I have a great sense of humor which gets me through the hard times. I dont know what I would do without it.

The session went well and I cried a lot but that was to be expected. I wonder sometimes if my husband has any emotions because I never see them. Maybe he hides them well but I would like to see him express more of them so I can learn to understand him better.

I was totally drained when we got home and laid down for a little bit. I fell asleep for a few minutes but I needed to sleep hours to make up for the lack of sleep in my life lately. My throat was hurting more and the rash was getting worse with the increasing temperatures. I found some Zovirax cream (anti-viral) and used that on the rash to see if it would help. Heck it couldnt hurt me could it! Might as well give it a shot. I was concerned with the lack of attention the Dr gave my throat and my slight temperature I had. She asked me if I had a fever and I told her that I honestly didnt know and probably wouldnt be able to tell because I am on Oxycontin, oxycodone, Tylenol at times alternated with Motrin. If I had pain or fever from an infection it would be masked by these drugs. All the more reason she should have done a culture.

This evening at 8pm I called my regular internist who was on call to see if he could help me. He didnt call me back until after 10 because the pagers were down at the hospital. I am just glad he returned my call. I told him what happened at my oncologists office today and the rash and my throat and he felt very bad for me. He told me to start taking the Zithromax antibiotic I had in the house tonight and see if that would help to clear up my throat and also maybe help with the rashes which he thinks is a secondary infection. He thinks everything is related in some way to one another. I hope he is right. He also wants me to come down to his office tomorrow so he could get a look at the rash. I am not sure I could get to his office tomorrow because of the heavy, torrential rains we are going to be getting (starting tonight). They are predicting 5 inches of rain this weekend! Thats a lot of rain and flooding on the highways here which wont make it easy for me to get to the Dr's office.

I am so glad that I have such a wonderful Dr who genuinely cares about me as a person and not just as his patient who pays him to take care of me. He would go out of his way to help me or my DH and has many times in the past, not only for me but my parents and grandparents.

On the topic of HAIR~I have notices lots of fuzz and baby hairs all over my head. I am excited over this new discovery but a little disappointed over my eyebrows and eyelashes being totally gone. I just want my hair back so I can use hair products again. I know it sounds funny but I miss the smell of all that stuff
When my hair starts to fill in a little bit more I am going to use the Morocco Method products I bought right before my diagnosis. I read on their message boards that many people who lose their hair and undergo chemo use it with good results growing new, stronger, healthier hair. Plus, I wont have to use a lot like I did when my hair was 31" so thats a positive. The Zen Detox is something that looks spectacular for use after I finish my last round of chemo to make sure its out of my hair follicles and nothing is their to hinder the growth of new baby hairs.