Thursday, November 29, 2007

Single Handed

My hand surgery went well on Monday and I am feeling better. The pain is intense when I put my hand into positions it doesnt want to be in. Its in cast with my fingers free to move but not use. Instead of having them use a local anesthetic with sedation we (the anesthesiologist, surgeon and myself) all decided that with my lymphedema the most important thing to do was to decrease turniquet time. The general anesthesia route offered the least amount of turniquet time at 5 minutes so I chose it. It took me longer to wake up but thats OK. The surgery itself lasted about 45 minutes (total time in the OR not operating time which was 20-25 minutes). My hand was totally numb when I awoke so it was impossible for me to tell if the surgery worked like the last time I had the surgery. So far from what I can tell, thr surgery worked because I dont have the numbness & tingling I did before. My thumb however is having issues but from what I hear its normal so soon after surgery. I think I am expecting to much to soon but I dont have any patience when it comes to something getting in my way of knitting, crocheting and beading.

I did attempt to crochet a washcloth in simple single crochet yesterday. I did a couple of rows then it started to hurt so I stopped. Some OT's actually make their patients do it for theraputic reasons. I am not sure if I have to go to therapy specifically for my hand but I do know I have to go back for my lymphedema drainage.

Tomorrow I am headed out with my Mom Christmas shopping. I hope it wont take all day because I dont have the energy for it.

While recouperating I read a book by Mark Levin called RESCUING SPRITE. I highly recommend it for any animal lover out there. Get the Kleenex ready though, its a tear jerker.

I am off to try and do something with my hair if thats at all possible with one hand, a blowdryer and a brush.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Talk to the Hand

Thanksgiving day went better than expected but for the reason that my sister cancelled the last minute. Her excuse was that her boyfrind, who just lost his father, didnt want to be around people. Hey, he never wants to be around people so I dont know what his problem is. I did have a less stressful day not worrying about if she was going to say something to me or not.

In less than 12 hours I will be having my surgery for carpal tunnel release. I am very nervous over the whole thing. Who wouldnt be right? But some think that because I have had so many surgeries that I should be used to this routine by now. Let me just say that you never get used to it and the best thing about the surgery is that I will be able to knit and bead without pain. My hand has been totally numb for the past month but over these last few days it has gotten progressively worse and I cant do a darn thing with it.

I am going to update the blog when I can and depending on how I feel.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A Tantalizing Post

Its been almost 2 weeks since I posted and I've been so busy that I couldnt even think about posting to my blog. To many things happening at the same time and its Thanksgiving tomorrow, I cant believe it! In the last I posted I mentioned what was happening with my sister and all that. Still no apology and I am sure you readers are fed up with hearing about her. The truth is this blog and my husband are the only two outlets I have to vent about stuff like that so you have to bear with me, I'm sorry. My Mother, who is an only child is always saying to me, "Why cant you just let it go?" She doesnt get it. She has also said that she is not going to do anything else to help with the situation. Thanks for nothing. She will never know what its like to be in a situation where your own sister could do the things that my sister did to me. So I cant say that I hope one day she never knows what its like to have cancer at such a young age with 2 young children and have a sister who COULD have been there (just a little) and chose not to do a damn thing.

In order for me to let it go then I dont want anything to do with my sister. I dont want to see her at holidays, I dont want to have to exchange pleasantries, I dont want to have to buy any type of gifts for birthdays or presents for Christmas. I want to be able to make choices for myself that will make me happy, not make my parents happy or make my mother happy. I dont want to have to be the one who always does the right thing. After all I have been through in my life I should be able to make these choices, the ones that are best for me and not anyone else. My parents should understand this and not even question it. I know that parents dont like to take sides with their children but this situation is not like others and they should take mine, no matter what.

Think about it, one of your children has been medically ill since they were a teenager. Your other daugher has had one incidence where she broke her leg and this sister cut classes (college) to stay with her in the hospital. Which is more than my sister EVER did for me but she seemed to forget about that. Since I was 15 I was in and out of the hospital and had a few surgeries under my belt when I was just 16. I also have never talked about another situation that happened when I was 17 because I dont like to use it and make people think its an excuse or anything but I am mentioning it here just to tell you all the things that I have been through in my short life. The situation involved my great uncle and he attempted to kidnap me and throw me in his car and then 2 other times he assaulted me in an attempted rape which I averted, pressed charges, brought him to family court and got an order of protection. It was a very scary time for me and I usually dont even think about it anymore because I have put it behind me. Then you already know about all my surgeries and hospital stays over the past 8-9 years and then my huge back surgery in 2003 with 18 months of PT and my breast cancer diagnosis in Feb 2006.

Throughout all these illnesses, surgeries and whatnot my sister didnt offer help of any sort and when she did she didnt keep her promise but thats nothing new because she lied to my mother when she said she was going to apologize to me. All her life she has been allowed to get away with murder and I am sick of it. BUT if I decide whats best for me and my family is to not be around her my parents would ask me what my problem was and why I was making things difficult. Its like a one way street that I am stuck on and cant get off. Are they that stupid that they cant realize what happened last Christmas when the kids practically begged my sister to play and she stayed in her room the entire night? Why should I have to put my kids through that again. Dont I deserve a nice holiday after what I've been through? I dont want to hear that I am the older one and I should know better and that I am expected to DO THE RIGHT THING. Why cant she be expected to do the right thing? What the hell has to happen to me for my damn sister to realize that I have been there for her, I have been a good sister to her and I even took her to parties and on dates when I was in college so what else does she want from me? I dont think she is ever going to change and when my Mom had mentioned this after my Nana's funeral that she thought my sister turned over a new leaf, I almost puked. My mother is truely naive to base this 'leaf turning' behavior on nothing. Usually someone does something remarkable and out of character for someone else to mention that this person has turned over a new leaf but my sister hadnt even apologized to me and my mother made this observation!!

Meanwhile my husband who has watched me go through hell for years called my sister a name and they jumped on him like a lioness to her prey. They should be ashamed of their behavior especially since he has done more for them then anyone including their own daughter! He also did the right thing and called my sister to apologize which is something she STILL HASNT DONE YET. So when she said she was going to apologize to me SHE LIED TO MY MOM. They should have jumped on her like a dog and said, "He's (my husband) is right to say what he said for the way you have treated his wife, YOUR SISTER and since he had to take off work on the days you offered on mothers day 2006 to help her, they lost a lot of money and are in debt now so he has every right to be angry and mad at you". See, no one gave my husband credit for all he did for me. He went to work and dealt with cancer and then came home and dealt with cancer so there was no escape for him. He watched me throw up my guts and turn every shade of green known to man so yes, he has some anger. Thats what pisses me off about my father when he says that he doesnt know why I get mad or have anger. Gee, do you think that I've had a lot of time stolen from me? from my husband? and children? I wasnt able to do things with my son when he was a baby because of my back surgery and I have a lot of guilt about that. We seriously need a vacation after all we have gone through and I am not sure its going to happen any time soon. Do I really have to answer this assinine question that my father posed to my husband? Its a joke and my mother doesnt even back me up. Its hurtful and frustrating especially when he took my sister to Vegas on a vacation. He also has said that I caused my cancer through stress and also made comments on other family members being 'better' mothers than me because they have patience with their kids and dont yell. Tell me none of you would not be hurt by these things and you're lying.

Where is all this coming from when I just dedicated 2 other previous posts to this ranting? Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we are going to my cousins house. I am nervous that my sister is going to be there and I rather not be around her because she makes me sick. I want to have a nice time tomorrow and when she is around I want to say all the things I have written in my blog but thats impossible. She doesnt go to family functions because she choses to spend them with her boyfriends family (whose father just died so I am not sure where she is going to be) or friends. The funny thing is that she even spent Mothers Day with his family and his mother is not even alive! My Mom had to be pissed at that! I mean, how can you, in good conscience, not be with your mother on mothers day when there is no real excuse for any other action? It would make me really mad if she, all of a sudden, decided to spend time with the family because we are second or third choice to her. It also makes me mad that if I chose to stay home with my family for any holiday they would be mad at me meanwhile my sister has been avoiding the family for years with no repurcussions. Go figure.

There is a double standard and my mother even said it once. She said that she knew I was a stronger person than my sister because of all the things I had been through and also because of the person I had always been even before my illnesses. She said because I was a stronger person that she knew I would always make the right choices unlike my sister. Ok, even if she is right about all of that then she is giving my sister a pass to be an ass with her logic! Thats not fair either. This whole situation sucks and I dont even have a working phone right now! Ugh! Please dont let her be there tomorrow.

In knitting news I did finish Bartholomew's Tantalizing Socks for Socktoberfest so that makes 2 pair done officially. I know I am a bit late with the Socktoberfest news but I kept forgetting about posting it.


One sock came out a lot bigger than the other one but if they are on my feet its hard to tell. Its very noticable when they are off my feet. My husband said that since one fits him and the other fits me I should make another sock in a complimentary color to the Space Dust colorway and we can wear them like people who wear one half of those 2 part hearts. I thought it was cute but I dont want to knit 2 other socks in the same pattern again. I was a little upset with myself for allowing this size difference to happen but it was the first time that I made this sock architecture so I have to cut myself some slack.

My Woolgirl Sock Kit for November arrived the other day. This is Irish Dreams by Spunky Eclectic Yarns. Its so unusual a color that I love it! I am not sure about the pattern though because they have these little 'knots' on the foot which might make it hard to wear in a shoe.


This is the Jingle Bell Rock Sock in the Nancy Bush's Ringwood pattern (from Knitting Vintage Socks) that I didnt complete last year at Christmas time. I completed one and put it away. I thought it was time to take it out and try and finish it up for Christmas.


I'm a little backed up with the sock clubs but thats OK with me. There is bound to be a pattern that I dont like and thats where I can use one to my liking. So far that only happened once with the Knee High to a Grasshopper sock from the April Kit at BMFA otherwise I have made all the patterns that came with the kit. I am dying to make Cookie A's Monkey sock. I think thats going to be my next sock pattern. I am almost done with the Solstice Slip but its one hell of a pattern thats driving my hand crazy. Its because I cant cable without a cable needle. I am hoping that after I am healed from my carpal tunnel surgery I will be able to complete projects a little bit faster. Just a little.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Me Against the World

Sometimes I feel this way, I really do. I can certainly say this about the recent events of the past 2 weeks or so. Who am I kidding? How about the past few YEARS. Some I spoke about in detail and some I've kept to myself. Its been a neverending series of shit that had gone on with our car being close to totalled by my husband avoiding a flying deer (came over the guys car in front of him headed straight for the windshield). Another surgery for me which by now you would think I have my own operating room named in my honor. The nurse that books surgeries for the orthopedic surgeon thats doing my hand surgery said the operating room nurse in charge of scheduling surgeries knew who I was when she called to schedule my carpal tunnel release. You can look at it as a good thing or as a bad thing I guess.

After Sunday's private hell (mine) I thought this week would be a nice one but of course it wasnt! My son was home on Monday with a bad chest cold and it has spred and morphed into a stomach virus/chest cold involving my daughter. She stayed home from school today and we had to make an emergency visit to the pediatric pulmonologist when she had an asthma attack which wasnt getting better with the usual medications. It was extremely stressful tring to get her to his office which is 35 minutes away and getting my son out of school early so I could take him with me. My Dad offered to come up to my house or meet us at the office but I was already running late and printing directions off of MapQuest so I didnt have time to give my Dad the directions and all that because it was getting later by the minute. We made it on time and I wasnt feeling so hot either so I hoped the exam would be a fast one.

Good news is that my daughters lungs were not as bad as I thought but the Dr said she has a very bad cold and maybe even the flu. I tend to agree with him about the flu because when she came home she proceeded to throw her guts up and also had a fever of 103.5. The pulmonologist wasnt so happy to see me either. He seemed to be a bit perturbed to be there seeing patients or maybe just my daughter. It was the first time I met him as my husband brought my daughter the first time she went to see him and also was the one to speak to him on the phone when she was having trouble breathing one night. Maybe it has something to do with me being a woman? I dont know. When he returned my call to get the story on what was happening with my daughter he asked what I did to treat her symptoms. I had done everything that he had written down in the asthma care plan and then some. He then decided to tell me that I was supposed to see him as a follow up to the initial visit which was a month ago and I hadnt done that (well then this is all my fault as usual!! I should have known!) I admitted to him I was wrong and apologized for not making the follow up appointment and that I was having issues with my health. I wasnt sure if my husband had told him what was going on with me medically so I went ahead and told him that I was a breast cancer survivor going through another surgery in a few weeks. I apologized again for not making the appointment but I also told him that she was doing well with the maintainance that he had her on initially and that I doubt he would have changed anything so we would still be in this situation whether or not I went for the follow up. On the way out I made a follow up for January. Sometimes I feel I spend all my time at Dr's offices whether or not they are my Dr's or the kids.

My Mom is coming up tomorrow to watch the kids while I attend my Starry Night Shawl Class. I wont be able to participate in the class but I will be able to learn how to finish the shawl. Jane Elliot is a wonderful teacher and funny too. They also have an all day class on Fair Isling with Nicky Epstein which I am sure would be an awesome class also if I had more days in the week! LOL. Then if my husband isnt to tired from working all day we are planning on seeing a movie. I want to see GONE BABY GONE or BEE MOVIE. The kids want to see BEE MOVIE so we cant really go without them. I am not sure what other movies are still playing now so I have to check out the schedule for the weekend movie line up.

Now, enough talking and time for some pictures!

My son in his schools Halloween Parade
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My daughter as the Little Mermaid
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The infamous birthday cake I spoke about in the previous post
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Leaves & Stars Necklaces
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Earth Flower Porcelain and Crystal Necklace
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Oblong Topaz Crystal Necklace
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Blue Stone Pendant Necklace (18Kt white Gold plated bail)
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Stone and Swarovski Necklace
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Seeing Red
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Flowers Climbing a Vine of Crystal Necklace
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Blown Glass and Swarovski Necklace
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Amethyst, Colorado Topaz & Tanzanite Swarovski Crystal Necklace
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Green and Crystal Necklace
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Sodalite and Rose Quartz & Topaz Square Crystal Necklaces
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Lampwork Glass with Fuscia Swarovski Crystals
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I havent posted my handcrafted jewelry in such a long time but you can see that I have been busy. I try to make at least one thing a day but I havent been able to stick to that rule due to the pain I've been having in my hand. A little here and there and it adds up. Most of there pieces were actually made before the party I had at the end of October and I wasnt able to post them.

I am awaiting another sock club kit from WOOLGIRLS SOCK CLUB around the 14th of November and KNITTING CENTRAL'S SOCK CLUB at the end of this month. Who knows when I will catch up with all these socks I have to knit.

I was actually thinking about when I will be able to knit again after my surgery. The Dr had said I will be in a hard splint with my 4 fingers and thumb able to move. That doesnt help me with the answer to my question though. I do think that I will be able to crochet because it doesnt involve the 2 hands as much as knitting does. I am prepared with my crochet patterns (dishcloths & scarves) to maybe get some Christmas gifts made. In the time between now and my surgery I hope that I can stay healthy with all this illness around me. I had a chest cold a few weeks ago and had to take a Z-pack (Zithromax) just to clear up my lungs. I havent felt well for the past 4 days but I think its just a cold with a post nasal drip.

I almost forgot to talk about my favorite new products in the whole world. When I had waist length hair I used a product called OJON RESTORATIVE HAIR TREATMENT. I first heard about it on QVC and then of course ordered it from them. I LOVED THIS STUFF. It made my hair soft, shiny and the curls were incredible. I even gave some to my Mom to try and she also loved it. I used it up until the time I lost all of my hair to chemo and then put away the remaining half of a jar that I had left. I didnt even remember that I had it until a few weeks ago and I started using it again. Yesterday I stopped at Sephora to pick up some more because Iiterally had a drop of this stuff left which is definitelty not enough! To my surprise I found a bunch of new products being made by my beloved OJON. They have this stuff called ELASTIK and its used on all types of hair to relax it and take the frizz out. The great thing is that the main ingredient that does all this wonderful stuff comes from the rubber tree (I think) and they use all natural stuff to make hair healthier and there is even some OJON oil in it. They also have a new product called TAWAKA Ancient Tribal Rejuvenating Creme which is a part of their RARE HARVEST collection. You can use it all over your body including your hair. Last night I used both the OJON RT and the TAWAKA mixed together to coat my hair (as they suggest for a deep treatment) and all I have to say is WOW, WOW, WOW! Fabulous shine and softness beyond belief. I also blowdried it straight using the ELASTIK and not only did it get it straight a lot easier and quicker then I normally get it done but I was out in the drizzly rain today and ITS STILL STRAIGHT WITHOUT FRIZZ!! This stuff is fabulous and I even used it on my face last night and this morning under my make-up. I love it! You can read about it on:

Monday, November 05, 2007

Crap, crap and more Crap

Yesterday we had my son's birthday celebration over my parents house. My sister had to act like a 2 year old and insisted (to my Mom) that we have a cake for her too. I dont know why all of a sudden she cares about having a cake for herself because whenever we have a celebration for anyone else she never shows up. My Mom seems to forget that and thinks that my sister just wants what everyone else has. I know better. I know my sister wants gifts ($$) from the people who come to her party.

I know I did say that I wasnt going to bring up this issue unless my Mom brought it up and in a way I have no choice because at my jewelry party my sister had heard my Mom and I speaking about setting a date to have my son's cake. We had already agreed on this Sunday about 3 weeks ago because of the Sheep and Wool Festival, the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer and the fact that my husband worked on the other weekends and couldnt do it then. My sister opened her big mouth and said, "Oh, you are going to just pass over my birthday and forget about me??" Just like a true narcissist to think of others! NOT. I couldnt believe all of a sudden she cared about having a cake for herself but like I said it was obvious the attention has to be on her and no one else. How dare my 5 year old son want to have a birthday party and she the 30 year old loser who still lives at home suddenly cares? I tell you she has not come to ONE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS BIRTHDAY PARTY in I cant tell you how long.

My Mom suddenly comes to her defense on the phone today when I was talking about this and other complaints I'll bring up in just a minute. She says, "I dont think thats true, she's come to other family members birthdays." NO SHE HAS NOT. She was not at mine, nor my daughters or my son's last year or my Mom's or ANYONES!! I have no idea why my mother feels the need to defend her. Yesterday my husband also tried several times to speak to her and say hello and she ignored him. My Mom didnt believe me when I told her. My sister also disappeared for a good long time to her room. Yes, she did come out of her room but she spent most of her time in it. Thats no surprise to me. My Mom has decided to not get in the middle of my sister and I anymore and thats what I call taking the easy way out. I think that as a parent she has an obligation to because she had said to my sister (the night the big fight broke out and my husband apologized for name calling) that "this thing with your sister is going to end right, you're going to sit down with US 3, me, your sister and you, and all talk, right? She's the only sister you have (insert crying and sobs here) and you two have got to make it work (more crying here)" At that moment my sister LIED TO MY MOM AND SAID SHE WAS GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO ME. My husband took less than an hour to call her up and apologize because it was the right thing to do. BUT I WAS DIAGNOSES IN 2/06 and where has my apology been????? Yeah I thought my Mom forgot about that conversation so maybe this will refresh her memory.

When we arrived at my parents house yesterday my sister didnt even say hi to me! Lets not forget she has NEVER apologized to me for what she did to me when I was ill with cancer going through diagnosis, treatment and all my surgeries during this time and the surgeries I have had in the 8 years prior to my cancer diagnosis. But lets remember I am supposed to be the better person and forget all the nasty things that she has dont to me and "let it go" as my Mom says. My Mother is also an only child and has no idea what it feels like to have a sister who's chosen strangers over her own sister. My Dad is another one who doesnt understand because he's never been sick or spent time in the hospital for anything. My Nana was the only one who was always sick her whole life and she knew what it was like to be in the positions I've been in. Maybe thats why my Dad had so much empathy for her when she was alive (insert sarcasm here).

My Mom made a cake because my oven is broken and the first thing I noticed is that there was no decorations on it like a train or something, no writing and only two candle numbers were on it. A #3 and a #0 were on it. No #5 for my son mind you. I was livid that the 30 year old got her way over my Mom's grandson and it pissed me off immensely. My Mom admitted she was wrong for that. OK, maybe I shouldnt have said anything until it was time to sing happy birthday and my son would have exploded with anger at the fact that there was no #5 on the cake.

I am so upset at so many things and thats one of the reasons I havent really written in my blog. I didnt want to make it a complaint fest but this is my blog and its how I feel better. By talking about things I can work them out in my head and it makes me feel better.

Another thing I have to mention is that I am not going to be going to Camp Crows Feet (unless by some miracle of God happens). I decided that the small amount of money we can save from our tax return should go to a family vacation. Maybe a few days with my husband alone and then the rest with the kids. When I was going through chemo my Mom told anyone that would listen that she was taking us all on a cruise and you see how thats happend right? She wants to go away with all of us including my sister and I would rather get chemo again then go away with that bitch. Well, not exactly get chemo again but you get the point. No way in hell am I going on a vacation with her. Are my parents intending on giving her another vacation for free? I thought the trip that my Dad took her on to Vegas was a 'mistake' as my parents later admitted when I hit the roof that they rewarded her treatment of me with a free trip (because it was 'promised' to her for graduating and shit.) Give me a break. If my son or daughter did what she did to me when I was sick I would give them shit on a sitck and let me tell you they wouldnt even deserve that! So anyway, no way in God's good earth are they taking her anywhere with me and my family and gifting her with another vacation, no way its happening while I am alive.

All I want is to spend 1-2 nights a MONTH going out with my husband on a date, thats it. We dont even get to do that. Its sad it really is and I think I have discussed it before and I really dont want to go into it again. What brings this up is that my cousin has 20 sum odd tickets that a friend of hers gave her to give out for the Bon Jovi concert on Wed night. She invited me and my husband to go with her and her husband. The only person who is responsible enough to watch the kids (because my son is sick and my daugher has CCD on Wed nights) is my Mom. My Mom told me she couldnt do it because she is being audited this week at her job and if it was any other week she could. I didnt know you get audited at night. She didnt even ask me to find out the details of the concert and let her know and maybe she could work something out she immediately replied NO she wouldnt be able to do it. She keeps saying how she wants me to hang out with my cousin when I mention that we are trying to make plans together and then she cant watch the kids. My neighbors kids cant watch them because my daughters CCD class and they are not medically well and my son is sick. Their father doesnt want to risk them getting sick because they are all very fragile diabetics. They cant be around sick kids because of their medical issues plus even if they could its a school night and they only watched my son ONCE WITH THE MOTHER HERE. The girl that did watch my son one time wasnt even alone when she watched him. She was 11 years old at the time and her mother came with her. When I came home from the birthday party that I took my daughter to I cant even tell you the disaray the house was in after only 2 hours of me being out of it. I cant even imagine giving the responsibility of 2 children who need to be put to bed and have homework done to this girl and her mom. Dont get me wrong, they are wonderful people and I really like them all. They are always nice to me and my kids and their dad is always helping my husband out with the yard and advice on plants and such. I dont have the luxury of having my parents and my husbands parents at my beck and call like my parents did when I was little. I grew up with all 4 grandparents watching me all the time. Heck, we lived with my Mom's parents and I used to sleep over my Dad's parents all the time. This made it easy for my parents to establish a great relationship and marriage because they were allowed that valuable time together. My husband and I are lucky if we get a cup of coffee together on a school day when my son doesnt get out early. But who the heck can have a romantic dinner or a movie NIGHT in the daytime when the food shopping and everyday errands need to be run. When my husband is home from work he is working on the lawn, car mantainance, house chores and a million other things and I am also doing the things I cant get done when the kids are both home. Its not very romantic believe me.

My Mother doesnt realize that my kids also need someone they are going to listen to and another kid aint going to cut it. I bet if someone called her with Paul Anka or Barry Manilow tickets she would find a way to go and thats what bothers me. I get a little jealous of my cousins parents who take their grandkids EVERYWHERE with them. My Mom says well so and so doesnt work so they can do that. No thats not the point. My cousin and her husband always take vacations alone and her parents or his parents or his sister or her brother watch the kids. They have a million and one options for who can watch the kids. They even have friends that have taken on babysitting duty for them! I dont have any of those options. This has gone on since the kids were babies so they are used to it. My husband and I havent taken a vacation alone since our honeymoon 9 years ago. I think after all we have been through with my illnessed and such that we deserve that. We not only deserve it, we desperately need it. You hear about people who go through medical crisis and dont stay together because of the high stress it puts on the marriage. Well, my husband and I and even the kids have all gone through the same or more stresses than many of those families that are not together today. Do my parents realize this? I dont mean to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but at this point I think I have the right to complain. All I want is to have some alone time with my husband and do some stuff alone together for my sanity and my husbands sanity and even my kids sanity. Most of my doctors say that I have had more medical problems then 10 of their patients put together and they cant believe the great attitude I have maintained throughout it all. Maybe some of them should talk to my father because you would think all I had was a bad cold to him and he cant understand why I am "so angry". Gee I dont know maybe its because for the past 8 years of my life have been spent in the operating room? Yet my sister gets the benefit of the doubt. I also try not to think of what can happen in the next 20 years because if I did it would destroy me. When things like this happen though I think "what do I have to look forward to?" If I had some private time with my husband to look forward to maybe it wouldnt look so bleak to me. My parents seem to forget that I had an extremly aggressive cancer that has a high probability of returning or metastasizing to another part of my body. Thats just a fact not a prediction by me mind you. If I knew this about one of my kids I wouldnt give them crap about their sister treating them like shit. I would treat that sister (who would be my daugher in this hypothetical situation) the way they have treated my child and see how they would like it. How would they feel going through the chemo and surgeries and the endless tests knowing that your own sister could care less if you lived or died? My parents dont realize the ONLY reason my sister and I ran into each other was because my Nana died and there was no other choice for my sister. She had to be there when I was there. She did avoid it as much as possible though and purposely avoided me at the hospital when my Nana was there and even mentioned it to a cousin of my Mom's that she didnt have to visit her own grandmother who was dying because me and my husband were with her. Nice, right? My Mother seems to forget that my sister not only treats me badly but she treated my Nana badly when she was dying. Even though I have 2 children and a husband thats working as many hours as possible to pay the bills we went to see her. I took the kids with me and my husband even called out from work so we could be with my Nana which is a thousand more things than my sister did to be with her. She wasnt in school yet (she's a teacher) and she could have been there but she chose (yet again) to be with her boyfriends father who was 'dying' at the time and she had to be there. By the way he is still 'dying' and my Nana died on Sept 1st. No offense to the man who is very sick and actually dying here but my sister also chose him over me when I was sick so its a sore point in my book. The 2 times I asked her for help she used the excuse that she had to help him instead and the other excuse was that she had a life to live and wasnt able to do that because she was 'stuck' helping my Nana (my parents were away at the time) and she NEVER can do anything. Did she realize who she was saying that to? Ok, enough, next topic to talk/bitch about. Sorry.

My Dad came up on Halloween to take us out to eat and I thought it was nice until he constantly complained about the food we ordered and then took the kids out trick or treating and couldnt wait to go back home after 15 minutes. Its either all or nothing and my kids want to spend time with them and they also want to know why my sister doesnt want to spend time with them. My daughter always asks why my parents dont spend more time with her. When I was little no one spent more time with me than my both sets of Grandparents. I was very lucky to have 4 grandparents. My kids only have my parents because my husbands are not in the picture.

With all these situations, I give up. I dont know what else to do. No one is on my side that can help and my husband is the only one that understands how I feel. Thank God for him.

Now my next surgery is in less than a month and my husband is taking time off (that he doesnt have) and helping me. I wont be able to use my left hand for at least a couple of weeks. My Mom has only 2 days left of her vacation time so thats why my husband has to take off. We are relying on his overtime to pay the bills and when he takes time off to help me he loses the overtime. You can see how this situation further stresses me out. Plus I wont be able to knit or bead to relieve stress so thats even worse. I am hoping that I can crochet though because it takes less to crochet than it does to knit and I can probably do it with one and a half hands! LOL.

This whole thing (with my sister) has me stressed again for the holidays because we are at my Mom's and she is there. Last year was the worst Christmas I have ever had and one would think that after having gone through medical hell someone would have guaranteed me a nice holiday but no such luck. My sister pulled a tantrum when my Mom tried to send me home with a tray of food. If you want to read the whole story its 2006's Christmas time entries and they are pathetic but my Mom forgets about the crap my sister pulled that day too. I guess no apology will ever come for that horrid treatment either. It was not only me either but my kids who practically begged and pleaded with my sister to come out of her room to play with them. Yup, you can take a guess and you'd be right in thinking that she didnt.

Another thing that I almost forgot was that my sister still hasnt given my 5 year old son his birthday present so he keeps asking me when we are going to Toys R Us to get him the new Thomas toys that he wants. How rude is that crap? Please dont keep telling him that you are going to get him his gift and then you dont! His birthday was Oct 15, the same day as hers and I made sure to mail her a card that she got before her birthday with a note in it that told her she could pick out whatever jewelry she wanted at the party I had. How much time does it take to get a kid a gift card? Heck, if you are going to give him a gift card why not just write him a check and call it a day. This is another thing that my parents look beyond and dont see a problem but let me tell you if I forgot to give her a birthday present they would want to know why I was "starting something with my sister by not giving her a gift" or something along the lines of that statement. Even last year when all the crap was happening with my surgery and stuff and she was ignoring me and didnt even come to see me or call me, I sent her a gift that I HAND MADE. We all know that she deserves nothing but as usual I do the right thing and it just comes back to bite me in the ass.

Here's some good news. I realized the curly haircut I got (after I washed it) was totally uneven and I went back to get it cut from the guy who usually cuts it to see if he could fix the mess created by this woman who claims to cut hair. I should have not strayed in the first place. He fixed it and it looks great. It looks like the May 2007 pics I posted of the first haircut he gave me and I wanted it like that again. It was difficult because the other woman really screwed it up so he did the best he could. My goal is to grow the sides long and keep the back short almost like a Victoria Beckham cut but not as severe.

In other good news my cousin wants to have a jewelry pary and hopefully I can do it before my surgery or even if its after my surgery someone can help me set up and I'll be fine.

I also made a promise to go to church once a week after I drop the kids off at school. Even though I dont agree with a lot of what the Catholic Church says it doesnt mean I cant go to mass. When my husband is off he is going to go with me.

Maybe next time we will get back to some knitting and jewelry conversation and pictures too. I had enough of this crap with my sister.