A Tantalizing Post

Its been almost 2 weeks since I posted and I've been so busy that I couldnt even think about posting to my blog. To many things happening at the same time and its Thanksgiving tomorrow, I cant believe it! In the last I posted I mentioned what was happening with my sister and all that. Still no apology and I am sure you readers are fed up with hearing about her. The truth is this blog and my husband are the only two outlets I have to vent about stuff like that so you have to bear with me, I'm sorry. My Mother, who is an only child is always saying to me, "Why cant you just let it go?" She doesnt get it. She has also said that she is not going to do anything else to help with the situation. Thanks for nothing. She will never know what its like to be in a situation where your own sister could do the things that my sister did to me. So I cant say that I hope one day she never knows what its like to have cancer at such a young age with 2 young children and have a sister who COULD have been there (just a little) and chose not to do a damn thing.

In order for me to let it go then I dont want anything to do with my sister. I dont want to see her at holidays, I dont want to have to exchange pleasantries, I dont want to have to buy any type of gifts for birthdays or presents for Christmas. I want to be able to make choices for myself that will make me happy, not make my parents happy or make my mother happy. I dont want to have to be the one who always does the right thing. After all I have been through in my life I should be able to make these choices, the ones that are best for me and not anyone else. My parents should understand this and not even question it. I know that parents dont like to take sides with their children but this situation is not like others and they should take mine, no matter what.

Think about it, one of your children has been medically ill since they were a teenager. Your other daugher has had one incidence where she broke her leg and this sister cut classes (college) to stay with her in the hospital. Which is more than my sister EVER did for me but she seemed to forget about that. Since I was 15 I was in and out of the hospital and had a few surgeries under my belt when I was just 16. I also have never talked about another situation that happened when I was 17 because I dont like to use it and make people think its an excuse or anything but I am mentioning it here just to tell you all the things that I have been through in my short life. The situation involved my great uncle and he attempted to kidnap me and throw me in his car and then 2 other times he assaulted me in an attempted rape which I averted, pressed charges, brought him to family court and got an order of protection. It was a very scary time for me and I usually dont even think about it anymore because I have put it behind me. Then you already know about all my surgeries and hospital stays over the past 8-9 years and then my huge back surgery in 2003 with 18 months of PT and my breast cancer diagnosis in Feb 2006.

Throughout all these illnesses, surgeries and whatnot my sister didnt offer help of any sort and when she did she didnt keep her promise but thats nothing new because she lied to my mother when she said she was going to apologize to me. All her life she has been allowed to get away with murder and I am sick of it. BUT if I decide whats best for me and my family is to not be around her my parents would ask me what my problem was and why I was making things difficult. Its like a one way street that I am stuck on and cant get off. Are they that stupid that they cant realize what happened last Christmas when the kids practically begged my sister to play and she stayed in her room the entire night? Why should I have to put my kids through that again. Dont I deserve a nice holiday after what I've been through? I dont want to hear that I am the older one and I should know better and that I am expected to DO THE RIGHT THING. Why cant she be expected to do the right thing? What the hell has to happen to me for my damn sister to realize that I have been there for her, I have been a good sister to her and I even took her to parties and on dates when I was in college so what else does she want from me? I dont think she is ever going to change and when my Mom had mentioned this after my Nana's funeral that she thought my sister turned over a new leaf, I almost puked. My mother is truely naive to base this 'leaf turning' behavior on nothing. Usually someone does something remarkable and out of character for someone else to mention that this person has turned over a new leaf but my sister hadnt even apologized to me and my mother made this observation!!

Meanwhile my husband who has watched me go through hell for years called my sister a name and they jumped on him like a lioness to her prey. They should be ashamed of their behavior especially since he has done more for them then anyone including their own daughter! He also did the right thing and called my sister to apologize which is something she STILL HASNT DONE YET. So when she said she was going to apologize to me SHE LIED TO MY MOM. They should have jumped on her like a dog and said, "He's (my husband) is right to say what he said for the way you have treated his wife, YOUR SISTER and since he had to take off work on the days you offered on mothers day 2006 to help her, they lost a lot of money and are in debt now so he has every right to be angry and mad at you". See, no one gave my husband credit for all he did for me. He went to work and dealt with cancer and then came home and dealt with cancer so there was no escape for him. He watched me throw up my guts and turn every shade of green known to man so yes, he has some anger. Thats what pisses me off about my father when he says that he doesnt know why I get mad or have anger. Gee, do you think that I've had a lot of time stolen from me? from my husband? and children? I wasnt able to do things with my son when he was a baby because of my back surgery and I have a lot of guilt about that. We seriously need a vacation after all we have gone through and I am not sure its going to happen any time soon. Do I really have to answer this assinine question that my father posed to my husband? Its a joke and my mother doesnt even back me up. Its hurtful and frustrating especially when he took my sister to Vegas on a vacation. He also has said that I caused my cancer through stress and also made comments on other family members being 'better' mothers than me because they have patience with their kids and dont yell. Tell me none of you would not be hurt by these things and you're lying.

Where is all this coming from when I just dedicated 2 other previous posts to this ranting? Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we are going to my cousins house. I am nervous that my sister is going to be there and I rather not be around her because she makes me sick. I want to have a nice time tomorrow and when she is around I want to say all the things I have written in my blog but thats impossible. She doesnt go to family functions because she choses to spend them with her boyfriends family (whose father just died so I am not sure where she is going to be) or friends. The funny thing is that she even spent Mothers Day with his family and his mother is not even alive! My Mom had to be pissed at that! I mean, how can you, in good conscience, not be with your mother on mothers day when there is no real excuse for any other action? It would make me really mad if she, all of a sudden, decided to spend time with the family because we are second or third choice to her. It also makes me mad that if I chose to stay home with my family for any holiday they would be mad at me meanwhile my sister has been avoiding the family for years with no repurcussions. Go figure.

There is a double standard and my mother even said it once. She said that she knew I was a stronger person than my sister because of all the things I had been through and also because of the person I had always been even before my illnesses. She said because I was a stronger person that she knew I would always make the right choices unlike my sister. Ok, even if she is right about all of that then she is giving my sister a pass to be an ass with her logic! Thats not fair either. This whole situation sucks and I dont even have a working phone right now! Ugh! Please dont let her be there tomorrow.

In knitting news I did finish Bartholomew's Tantalizing Socks for Socktoberfest so that makes 2 pair done officially. I know I am a bit late with the Socktoberfest news but I kept forgetting about posting it.



One sock came out a lot bigger than the other one but if they are on my feet its hard to tell. Its very noticable when they are off my feet. My husband said that since one fits him and the other fits me I should make another sock in a complimentary color to the Space Dust colorway and we can wear them like people who wear one half of those 2 part hearts. I thought it was cute but I dont want to knit 2 other socks in the same pattern again. I was a little upset with myself for allowing this size difference to happen but it was the first time that I made this sock architecture so I have to cut myself some slack.

My Woolgirl Sock Kit for November arrived the other day. This is Irish Dreams by Spunky Eclectic Yarns. Its so unusual a color that I love it! I am not sure about the pattern though because they have these little 'knots' on the foot which might make it hard to wear in a shoe.



This is the Jingle Bell Rock Sock in the Nancy Bush's Ringwood pattern (from Knitting Vintage Socks) that I didnt complete last year at Christmas time. I completed one and put it away. I thought it was time to take it out and try and finish it up for Christmas.



I'm a little backed up with the sock clubs but thats OK with me. There is bound to be a pattern that I dont like and thats where I can use one to my liking. So far that only happened once with the Knee High to a Grasshopper sock from the April Kit at BMFA otherwise I have made all the patterns that came with the kit. I am dying to make Cookie A's Monkey sock. I think thats going to be my next sock pattern. I am almost done with the Solstice Slip but its one hell of a pattern thats driving my hand crazy. Its because I cant cable without a cable needle. I am hoping that after I am healed from my carpal tunnel surgery I will be able to complete projects a little bit faster. Just a little.