Saturday, September 09, 2006

Knit Happens

I have been crying since 9 am this morning. Its a long story and it has to do with my sister. My Mom spoke to her and told me what was said. One of the things that upset me the most was that she said I was always my Moms favorite and she feels that I havent been a good sister to her. I am so angry that I typed up a 7 page letter with all the examples od how SHE is the one that hasnt been there for me and that I have always invited her and included her in everything since we were young. My Mom even said to her that it wasnt true. I am so angry, hurt and mad as hell that she would use this as a smoke screen for her irreverent behavior over the past 6 months. My Mom suggests we all sit down and talk about why she feels this way. I think she needs some professional help because she is the one that has alienated herself from the family and this has been going on for years. She has turned down all my invites to anything I have invited her to and she has the nerve to say I havent been a good sister. She has some set of balls to say that. Especially when I am in the place I am in in my life. I needed her the most while I was going through this and she throws this in my face? Only a self-serving, selfish individual would do that. The letter touches on all these points without name calling and so on so maybe it will get through to her? One could only hope that it does. My Mom is also upset over the entire thing because my sister thinks that my Mom has done more for me. Well, right now my Mom is the ONLY one helping me so she is doing a lot. My sister didnt have cancer or need the help that I did and I hope she never does but what could she (29 years old) want from my Mom that she isnt giving her? I just dont get it. Is she jealous of all the attention I am getting. I wouldnt call it attention that I want because I want things to be the way they used to be. I dont want help taking care of my children. I want to do these things on my own but for now I need help. Why cant she accept this? I dont want to lose a sister over this nonsense, I just hope she doesnt either. Its time to grow up.

I had an appointment with the PS yesterday and he put in 60cc of saline in each expander. He said there is 420-450cc total in there right now and that they hold 600cc max. If you wanted to you could put more than that but he doesnt reccommend it. So hopefully we are moving along as scheduled with all this and I will have the exchange surgery within the next 6 months. The pain is not to good today but thats to be expected with the fill up yesterday. Pain meds do your stuff!

On another depressing note, the owner of the yarn store called me and said that she wouldnt feel comfortable right now having me alone in the store on Saturdays due to my lack of experience with making garments and lacework, etc. As soon as I get better at those things she said that she would gladly hire me. She was totally nice about it but with all the emotion today I cried when I got off the phone because I really wanted it bad. So I must practice lots! I'm off to knit!

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