Its been a long time since I ranted and raved about my sister. Things were relatively staying on the topic of knitting around here but this blog entry will be one of great emotional upset and disappointment.
Yesterday I went over my parents for dinner. DH was working and it was just me and the kids. I thought my Dad was home but when I arrived I found out that it was just my Grandmother and Mom there. I asked where my Dad was because I really had no idea where he could be. He had called a few days ago looking for a my DH's work # to give my cousin and didnt mention anything to me. My Mom then told me that he had taken my sister to Las Vegas!! Yup, you heard that right. He took MY SISTER to Vegas!! WHAT?!! Now, I'll try not to go crazy and keep things in order of WHY I am so hurt by this. My loyal readers who know the history of whats been happening could probably figure out on their own why I feel the way I do. I immediately asked with great anger in my voice, WHY did he take HER to Vegas? My Mom said that he took her because last year her and my sister were supposed to go to Disney World but the trip was cancelled due to my needing my Moms help going through all my surgeries and Chemotherapy. My sister could have certainly gone on the trip without my Mom and taken her boyfriend instead. I never understood why she never went on that trip.
I asked my Mom over and over WHY, WHY, WHY would my Dad do this? Both my parents couldnt even talk to my sister about how she treated me but he could take her on a vaction? She certainly doesnt deserve to be taken anywhere after the hurtful things she did to me, the emotional anquish she caused me and is still causing me, and my Mom knew this. My Mom also stated a few weeks ago that she tried to talk to my sister about the situation and my sister went off ranting, raving and screaming at how my Mom CHOSE me over her and a whole bunch of nonsense in my opinion. Remember, its now February and my Mom never confronted my sister over the situation that occured on Christmas and how she treated not only me like a peice of crap but her both Godchildren who tried all night to play with her. My Mom then said that she was finished trying to talk to my sister so I thought that included doing anything for her. If my son or daughter treated the other sibling in the manner that my sister treated me, there is NO WAY in hell they would deserve anything, let alone a vaction! My Mother went on to say that, "“Your Father is taking your family on a vacation, what are you complaining about?" Well, I do think that my family and I deserve a vacation for all we have been through. I did have cancer, I did have countless surgeries and medical problems over the past 8 years. Most of my childrens lives I have been ill. There were times I couldnt lift my son or do anything with him or my daughter due to my surgeries and most recently my cancer treatments. I have lots of mothers guilt over that.
My sister, who has had NOTHING of the sort happen to her, no medical issues or surgeries. My sister has alienated herself from the family, no one did it for her. She has then proceeded to treat everyone like shit and this has been going on for a long time, its nothing new. I guess that deserves a vacation. Go ahead everyone, when a relative gets really sick at a young age with a rare aggressive form of Breast Cancer that only 50% of women go on to live 10 years past their initial date of diagnosis, go ahead and treat them like crap. Ignore them and their children, when they need you the most (and dont forget you are their God Mother) and be a narcissistic bitch who never lends a hand to help even when your sick relative calls you crying uncontrollably (thats how badly they need your help) and say no EVERY TIME they ask (beg) for help. Guess what will happen then? You'll be rewarded with a wonderful vacation to somewhere, anywhere, pick a place, its your choice! Your ass is being kissed my friend so be that selfish bitch you are and go ahead and take advantage of the parents that YOU claim to HATE and blame your miserable life where you never wanted for anything and got whatever you wanted.
I paved the road for my sister and her bad behavior so if anyone should complain its me. NEVER once did I EVER complain. I already went over all the things that I have done for her and with my sister growing up. I WAS a good sister and I refuse to believe otherwise no matter what she says to my Mom. I dont care that my Dad is going to take us on vacation, its not the same thing. The difference is that not only does my family deserve it but we have earned it and need it.
When I was single working a full time job as a nurse, I was not living at home raking in the money from my job. I was paying bills and rent with my fiance (now DH). No one offered to take me to Vegas or anywhere when I graduated nursing school or anytime in my 20's. I am certainly sure that if my sister was the one with cancer that my Dad would not be taking ME somewhere but my sister! Duh, whats so hard to understand. We take the good for nothing, nasty, self-centered, materialistic, selfish, never did a thing to help hers sister on a vacation??? It makes absolutely NO SENSE to me.
I am not COMPLAINING, I am stating facts here. My parents have done a lot for me and I am very grateful. I dont ask them to do things, they do them out of the goodness of their heart and I cant thank them enough.
The point is that my sisters behavior is REWARDED all the time. She has never been held accountable for any of them and thats why she remains in a state of constant immaturity and there she will stay. The therapist we see has offered to see me and my Mom so she can talk to the both of us and maybe help my Mom deal with my sister but my Mom makes excuses every time I offer a time to see the therapist. The therapist even said that she would stay late to see us but my Mom says she is too tired from work. I guess, yet again, its not important or worth it for her. If my sister saw a therapist you bet your ass that she would go with her if she was asked. Double standards and hypocrisy.
Back to what the therapist said. She said that instead of rewarding my sister they have to make her own her behavior by making her accountable for it. By taking her on a vacation, what do you think that tells her? An idiot can figure that out. If my sister hates being around the family and my parents why would she go on a vacation with my Dad? She cant stand him and argues with him almost constantly.
I cant believe whats happening and I am so hurt and upset I cant even write it down. Ive been crying since the ride home last night. My DH doesnt know what to say to me to make it better. He's angry because he sees all the hurt that this situation has caused from the beginning. He also cant believe my Dad did this. They should have given her an ultimatum instead of a vacation. They should have said to her, "Your sister had an aggressive form of breast cancer. She has been through hell the past 8 years with other medical ailments and has basically had no help with the kids up until this summer when she was getting chemo. There is a possibility that her cancer can return so why dont you apologize to her and treat her like a human being because if the roles were reversed, she would be there for you. Even with her 2 kids and the problems she has, she would have been there for you. Re-establish a relationship before its too late. If you dont then I think you need to grow up and get your own apartment. Its obvious that you are using us as a 'hotel' just to store your belongings, shower, shit and sleep. You spend no time with anyone in this house or family and you are never home, so why are you staying? (FREE ROOM & BOARD) You took time to take your boyfriends father to his chemo treatments every Wednesday but never helped your own sister, your blood."
My parents think that if they say this to her that they will make it worse. In my opinion it cant get any worse so what will they be losing? They dont have a relationship with her to begin with so what the heck are they afraid of? Its all a joke.
I, as a mother would not tolerate my children treating the other in a manner as despicable as this especially if they had limited time on this earth. If you all saw how I and my children were treated on Christmas Day then you would certainly agree. My parents let her get away with murder. I told my Mom that she was going to get away with murder and not be accountable for what she did on Christmas and she did. My Mom swore that she wouldnt but guess who’s in Vegas? Not me.
I have never been hurt in this way before in my life by anyone especially a family member. I cant explain how I feel but its a sickening sensation that wont go away. I dont want to talk to either one of my parents right now, I am to upset. Thats how hurt I am. I have a burning, stabbing pain in the middle of my chest radiating out to all parts of my body. I have no one else, no one who understands. I am still crying from last night, I cried in my dreams and I am dehyrated from crying so much.
I asked my Mom why she doesnt just call sometimes and say, "I know your DH is working a lot and you are with the kids working hard. Do you want me to come up and watch the kids one night while you go out?" Just call and offer because its a nice thing to do. She got mad at me for saying this and I have no idea why. Is it that hard to ask me that? She says, "Call me and let me know when you want to go out." My DH does do this and my Mom says, "Its not a good time, I have something going on, I already have plans, I'm busy" OR "Call me closer to the day you want to go out otherwise I wont remember" Then when he calls her about the day she has made plans already and cant. DH has to make plans like that in advance with his job, its not easy. I dont have anyone else to watch my kids or anyone that understands my son besides my Mom. We dont have the money for a babysitter. Then she says, "I thought you were broke, how can you go out?" You dont have to spend money to spend time with someone. A trip to the bookstore is free and a movie is cheap when you only go once in 4 months! My DH puts a few dollars away every week so he can take me somewhere. We need to spend time together, its extremely important for our relationship right now because we literally have no time for one another. Then she says that she never goes out. Give me a break. She goes out more than any other grandparent of any of my friends whom are always with their grandchildren. Before I had kids all my parents spoke about was becoming grandparents and how they would do this and do that with them. I know my Mom works but so do many other grandparents. My cousin and my friends moms always help them with their kids and they didnt even have cancer! People that had full course, dose-dense chemotherapy, like me usually take years to return to the way they were. Their metablolism, sleep cycles, memory, stamina and other important functions of daily life are screwed up. Most dont work full time at their jobs because they are unable to have the strength to go 8-12 hours at a job. Some never return to the way they were. My Mom keeps talking about the AVON WALK that we are doing in October and that by then I will be “thin and in shape”. Its 39 miles! I am a positive person who believes I can do anything but please give me a break!
Everyone forgets so fast. They are all there praying for me every 5 minutes when I was going through chemo and then when I was finished they head for the hills thinking that I will be back to my old self tomorrow. I STILL NEED HELP! Its very hard for me to deal with the kids all day. My Mom keeps saying, “I dont know what you want from me?” I didnt realize that I was such a burden to everyone, helping and caring for me when I was going through the worse thing I have ever been through in my life. She never had a major illness either and gets mad when I mention this. She also doesnt realize that I lost a lot of friends going through my treatment. There are 3 that havent spoken to me since I was diagnosed a year ago. The only 2 friends I have are the ones that I have known the longest and they have families of their own. I dont expect anyone to drop their own stuff to help me.
I know that its a horrible thought but I have been so upset and hurt that sometimes I think it would have been better for everyone if I died. I dont plan on killing myself, I love my children more than anything but I have this feeling of hopelessness that no one understands. If I were gone there would be no arguing or discord with my sister, no one would have the stress I cause with this fucking disease and what its done to me. My kids wouldnt have to deal with their crazy emotional Mom. I dont know what my purpose is anymore. I dont want to die, believe me, after all I went through I deserve more. I deserve a sister who loves me for who I am and not who she wants me to be or wanted me to be in the past. I want parents that offer their help with the kids so my DH and I can have a night out once a month without me asking them all the time. It seems no one is grateful I am alive. They have abandoned me in the emotional department. They are there in the financial department but I need more than that. I need so much more.