Thursday, November 02, 2006

Healing & Hurting

My DD came home from the hospital on Monday. She is doing much better and is on several nebulizers, antibiotics and steriods. The pediatrician called to check up on her yesterday and told me to call on Friday with another status report. They want to make sure she doesnt relapse which is common with pneumonia. I decided to keep her home from school this week just for that reason even though I think she would be OK for school. She is also getting to many breathing treatments and I dont want her to have to do them at school. I called her teacher yesterday and left a message to call me back but she never did. I wanted to know if there was anything in particular that I should be covering with her so she is caught up when she goes back on Monday.

The family situation is still the same. My Mom (as far as I know) hasnt really confronted my father like he should be confronted. He left 5 messages on my phone asking how my DD was but not once did he apologize to me. He went on for a few minutes about how I misunderstood what he said and that he was sorry that I misunderstood and took it out of context. Yeah, right, my fault again as usual. I wasnt home the 3 times he called and the other 2 I ignored because I know if I got on the phone with him it would go no where and he just wants to make himself feel that he is right and I dont want to give him that chance. I do wish that I saved the letter that I had written to him before I started chemo so he can see that he hasnt changed as he said he would. He never asked me for help when I was sick and I am not just talking about when I was diagnosed with cancer. I am going back to before my DD was born and then when I had all my surgery. He actually started a HUGE arguement with me on the phone after I had my carpal tunnel surgery and I was 6 months pregnant with my DD. The 'discussion' was about a small boat that my grandmother (his mom) said I could keep in her garage and all of a sudden she was having second thoughts and called me to ask questions about the boat. I didnt really know the specifics about the measurements and stuff, my DH knew all those things so I told the both of them to call back in a half hour or so when DH would be coming home. This is when the fight broke out and everyone was yelling at the pregnant woman recouperating from surgery. Heartless a**holes. I ended the conversation crying my eyes out and called my Mom because I didnt want my Dad to lie about what happened. After this entire incident I didnt talk to my Grandmother for over a month. I never understood what the problem was either especially since she allowed her other grandchild to keep a sh*t load of furniture in her garage. Yeah, it is screwed up but it seems lots of people have favorites in my family or different rules for different people. Anyway, my Dad thinks its just one thing that he said that upset me but its so much more. Its the many things he has said to me and its almost as if he blames me in a way for being sick and thats the only explaination I can think of for the way he is behaving. He has also treated others badly such as my Mom and my grandmother. Granted my grandmother says some messed up stuff but she has dementia and is old so her brain is not working properly. You dont fight with someone like that, you ignore them or walk away. She has made nasty comments about me but I just ignore (most of them at least) them and blame it on her mental state. As for my sister I dont have an explaination either but it seems she is taking lessons on how to cause mental anguish from my Dad. She hasnt even called to see how my DD is doing and I know that someone must have told her that my DD was sick. She was in the hospital for heavens sake. The whole world knew when my cousins kid was sick and in the hospital and my Dad's cell phone rang every hour with an update on the kids condition. Not so when my DD was sick. Double standards and hypocrisy are the words of the day children. Ugh, it makes me so mad.

Concerning my health-I went to the Oncologist on Tuesday to have bloods and a 3 month post chemo check up. Blood work was all good and the DR told me that I looked good and all was well with the physical exam. I asked him for the percentages for recurrence and he hesitated before he said them. I told him that I didnt much put to much faith in them since I am always in the minority number anyway and I know that everyone is different. He told me that its 15-20% chance of recurrence. He then said that the number is high but the other number for not recurring is higher. OK, the glass is half full, I get it. I try to think positive but this is always in the back of my mind. I really try hard not to think about it but with all the stress going on in my life right now its something that my mind is stuck on. I dont know if its feeling sorry for myself because I dont usually do that and if it is I need to get out of that mindset immediately before it causes more problems.
My arm (the one with Lymphedema) has been bothering me beyond belief and has gotten progressively worse over the past 2 weeks. I went to OT Tuesday and I think that it made it worse. Last night I actually called my plastic surgeon and told him (cried to him) how much pain it was causing me. He said that I was doing everything right by taking Motrin and using heat and so on and that he couldnt do anything with the expander to make it better. He cant move my surgery up because I am doing it the earliest day possible (11/27). He told me to take a muscle relaxant and that would help. I happen to have Baclofen in the house from my back issues so I took some last night and this morning. I am not sure if its helping yet but I am sure it cant hurt. He said if it was still bothering me to call him. I dont think he can do anything else though so whats the point? He also told me to lay off the therapy because sometimes it can make it worse. It might have been the ultrasound therapy that did it.

On the knitting front-I am still working on the other KOIGU sock and started a CASCADE FIXATION sock with a baby cable rib pattern. I would like to finish one of them by this weekend. The wool that I won from E-Bay came yesterday and it is so pretty. Its a little scratchy but I think after a few handwashes it will soften up. I decided to make a pair of socks with it but there is 1000 yds so I have to find something else to do with it. A shawl sounds nice also but I have a lot of time to think about it. Christmas is coming and I HAVE TO get going with the gift making. I have a few made but I have lots more. Right now I have to finish a scarf that I am going in moss stitch with Paton's Rumors alpaca blend yarn. It looks really nice but its shedding a bit as I am knitting which is a bit annoying.

Thanks to everyone who sent their well wishes to my DD. We love you for it!:inlove:

No comments: