Wednesday, December 27, 2006

How I ruined Christmas?

Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain and that there is a lot of negativity in my writings but I have no other way to get it out then to write it down. I do apologize to many who read my journal or blog and say I am sorry for bringing you down and I promise that in the new year not to put so many complaints in here.

I hesitated to write about Christmas Day because it was horrible and I have been upset since but I have to put it down into writing because it helps me move on and beyond and hopefully prevent future mistakes on my part like thinking it was a good idea to be around my sister and also thinking that she would keep her promise to my Mom not to ruin Christmas.

I will start with when we arrived at my Mom's on Christmas Day. My sister was hiding up in her room again and the kids wanted to rip right into the gifts that Santa had left at my Mom's. Asking them to wait wasnt right and then she got mad that we werent or that they werent waiting for her. We all exchanged gifts and then sat down to eat dinner. It was just my parents, my grandmother, Great Aunt, my sister and us and we were all dressed nicely. Not overdressed but dressed presentable. My sister was in her pajamas at 4pm in the afternoon! That wasnt right, she's not a teenager, she's 29 years old! It just wasnt right but my sister gets a free pass as always but you never hear me complain about that in all the years we were growing up that she was allowed to get away with murder because of the road that I paved before her. In the middle of dinner she disappeared, to her room no doubt. The kids especially my son was very overstimulated and because of his problems that he has thats an issue that has to be dealt with all the time. There was so much stuff going on that he didnt know what to play with. In the end he went back to the simple Thomas toy he got from my cousin the night before. No one was helping me or my DH with the kids, no one. My Mom was busy cleaning up so I am not referring to her when I say no one. I am referring to my sister who hasnt seen the kids since Easter which was April (8 mos ago) when I was at my Mom's for dinner and she said that I embarrassed her because I was emotional about something. Gee I wonder what it could have been that I could have been upset about? I had started chemo in March so maybe that was it??? DUHHHH!!! She hasnt seen them in that long and she couldnt come out of her room to play with her Godchildren?

Then my Dad brings out a shoe filled with change to give to the kids, which was a nice thing to do but there was so much going on that it was just too much. He gives them all this change and rolls to roll them then goes back downstairs to watch football or play on the computer I am not sure what. He should have sat down and rolled the money with my DD instead of dumping it on them and disappearing. I told my DD to put the 2 bags of change in my bag and we would deal with it later because there was too many toys and things to play with. She didnt listen and dropped the bags spilling change all over the kitchen floor. This is when I lost it and started to cry. No one was understanding why except for my Aunt, I think. I was tired and in need of some help with the kids. My DH was trying to deal with my son but he was losing it also. I was home with them the whole week due to them being sick and after a while you lose it. I wasnt supposed to be lifting for another 2 weeks at least and I have been because I have no choice. When my son isnt behaving he doesnt want to get into his seat or car seat so I have to put him in myself. My Mother told my DH in the beginning not to take extra time off work that she would help and he wouldnt have to lose time or money at work and then she tells me that she cant be around the week before Christmas? She had things to do and prepare. I am not saying that she has to be here all day but maybe send my Dad up here for a few hours to play with the kids while I rest? Maybe that was an option? Or maybe not putting those expectations on yourself when you know that someone needs assistance? No one was coming on Christmas Day and the only person whose expectations had to be filled was hers. She cant say, I cant do this because my DD needs help? I just dont get it. Anyway, I lost it and started to cry and say, "Where is everyone? Why cant they come down here and play with the kids? Where is Daddy and T (my sister)?" My Mother said, "I am cleaning up I cant play with them?" Well I wasnt talking about you! So then after I lost it and went downstairs my Mom and Dad sat down with my DD to color and play with her. If I didnt get upset my Dad would still be missing. My sister never came out of her room. I think my Mom went up to talk to her but I cant be sure of it. It was sad because the kids would go to the bottom of the stairs and call up there for her to come down and play with them and she never did. My DD kept asking me if she could sit next to my sister and then added, "Is she going to come and play with us?" over and over all night.

My Mom came downstairs where I had retreated to so I could calm down and started to tell me not to ruin Christmas. ME?? Is she on crack? She should have been yelling at my sister not me. I didnt do a damn thing! This pissed me off even more and I tried to explain what I was feeling but she wasnt getting it. I tried to tell her that if she was in my place she would be equally upset over the situation. My sister cares more about her boyfriends Dad then her own sister and her neice and nephew! How would that make her feel?? Plus, my sister NEVER asked me how I was feeling or anything to do with me and what I have been through. I didnt need a disertation but she could have just asked how I felt because she hasnt spoken to me since August 16th, the day after my bilateral mastectomy. Oh, she did call to say thanks for her gift that I gave her for her birthday (in Oct) but that was a 2 minute conversation and didnt go into anything else. It hurts so much to hear her talking about him (her boyfriends Dad) with emotion in her voice and then not give two sh*ts about me, her sister or her Godchildren. Its shameful and discusting behavior and no one makes her accountable for it so she continues to get away with it. In the 2 days we spent at my Moms she had nothing good to say and never spoke to me other than when we were opening gifts and eating dinner, to pass the salt. I told my Mom that she has no idea where I am coming from and doesnt understand. She said that she does know because she has gone through it with me. OK, OK, I know you have been there with me while I was going through it but YOU DIDNT go through what I did no matter how much you convince yourself you have. Its just not the same. She hasnt had cancer and she hasnt been through chemo, many surgeries and reconstruction and she is not in the same mind that I am. I was the one with cancer and it very well might return. I hope and pray it doesnt but there is that chance and I have to live with that every day of my life. I know someday I will die I just dont want to die from BC.

So now she is STILL upstairs in her room and its getting later and later. I think it was 7pm. I have to get the kids home because they are still sick and DH has work the next day. My DD keeps calling for my sister up the stairs and I roll my eyes because I know she is not coming down. Now, get ready for this one because its truely unbelievable. My sister finally comes downstairs to make a plate of food to heat up for herself to eat. She is actually dressed now and out of her PJ's. She pours a glass of wine and places it next to my Mom in the dining room where we are all sitting having coffee and cake. She is in the kitchen heating up her food and saw that my Mom made a package for me and my family to take home with leftovers from dinner and it wasnt even a lot of food mind you. Just food from Christmas dinner, no food from the Christmas Eve dinner which would have been nice to have. Anyway, she askes out loud, whos food it was and why was my Mom giving HER food away. It sounds like a joke and I thought at 1st she was just kidding but she wasnt. She said it several times. My Mom finally realized that she wasnt kidding and my Aunt also realized this. You should have seen their faces when my sister was going off on her tyrade. Meanwhile I hear her mumbling and grumbling and I say, in a low voice, to my Mom, that this is what I expected and that I didnt want the food, she could have it. Did my sister realize that the food was for my kids and not just for me and my DH? How selfish can someone be. I was shocked that this was actually happening in front of my eyes. She then came into the dining room and grabbed her wine in a huff and retreated back to the kitchen. My Dad was in the kitchen with her and was saying something that I couldnt hear. I am not sure what it was and I really wish he would have told her off. Instead I am getting madder that no one (my Mom) is calling my sister out on her HORRENDOUS behavior and instead my Mom is telling ME to stop getting mad that I am ruining Christmas!!! I think my sister ruined it a long time ago and it had nothing to do with me. Does she think its easier to blame me than have someone be responsible for their behavior? I am perplexed, shocked, mad and I really wanted to leave.

Right after this situation occured, I got the kids dressed in their PJ's and ready to leave. We are headed out the door and my sister didnt get off her a** to say goodbye to me or us. Everyone else came to the door and said goodbye but not her. I didnt want to start another arguement so I didnt say goodbye. After the whole "taking food home fiasco" and all the other things she did, I dont think she deserved a goodbye. So we just left and I cried the whole way home. I cried because I was the one who lost my cool (momentarily) and ruined Christmas, I was the one who looked like a looney because I was actually present there and not hidding in my room. The funny thing is that I heard my sister (as I was leaving) talking to my Aunt or my Dad, I am not sure, about taking her boyfriends Dad to his chemo session on Wednesday. It made me so mad and hurt. I am crying now thinking about it. If I needed help (which I have and asked her for over the past months so I know from prior responses what she would say) even if I was on my death bed, she would not help me. I say this because I actually called her one night asking for help and I was crying because I needed someone to come the next day for a couple of hours otherwise my DH would have to call out sick to help me and she said, "No I cant. You know I have a life and Mommy is going on vacation in a few days and this is my last chance to go out because when she is gone I have to watch Nana." Oh, how unfair life is to you, my narcisistic sister! What the hell should I say then after almost 8 years of bad health and no life! You have got to be kidding me! It was like I asked for a pint of blood or something. Doesnt anyone see her behavior or is it just me? Are my parents blind to this? I just cant believe that I was the one that was yelled at on Christmas and not her. Maybe they did it later after I left but it wasnt right to do it to me. Dont I deserve better? I know there are others who have been through worse and I am not trying to play the martyr here but after all I have been through I am treated like this? I dont want to spend Christmas there again. Its not like it used to be years ago and nothing like I remember. Its not even about the gifts, its more than that. I couldnt care less about the gifts.

The other day I received a letter from the YOUNG SURVIVAL NETWORK. In the letter there were lots of facts and stats on BC survivors. One that cought my eye and sticks with me is this one:

Only 50% of women diagnosed before age 40 go on to live past the 10 year survival mark. **PLEASE SEE JUNE 28, 2007 ENTRY ON A CORRECTION THE YOUNG SURVIVAL COALITION POSTED OR GO TO:

The latest available 10-year survival statistics are based on treatments through 1993. For those diagnosed between age 25 and 30, the 10-year survival rate is 60%; for those between age 30 and 35, the 10-year survival rate is 65%; for those between 35 and 40, the 10-year survival rate is 70%; and for those diagnosed between age 40 and 45, the 10-year survival rate is 77%.


When I told my Mom this she thinks I am being negative but I am not. Throughout this entire process I dont think I could have been more positive and I have every right to feel the way I do, I have earned it.

I dont know what else to say and I have wanted to call my Mom to see if she did anything or said anything to my sister when I left. I havent called because I know I am going to be upset, cry and argue. I really had higher expectations and thought it would have been the perfect time for my sister to apologize and move on but she made it worse and I want nothing to do with her ever again. My Mom says things change and things "come around" whatever the hell that means. Unless she says she is sorry, I want nothing to do with her. She has caused me so much pain over the past year I cant even put it into words. I know if someone hurt my Mom the way my sister hurt me she would not be so easy to forgive.

Edited to add: I made a mistake. The last time my sister was here was the day I had a pre-op appointment with my breast surgeon on June 15th. My Mom was in the city and couldnt watch the kids so she came up here to watch them. Big deal. She ran out of here like a bat out of hell when we got home

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