Losing my Hair-17 days post 1st chemo treatment

The hair that is falling from my head is more than just falling out its coming out in fist fulls and clumps. They are clogging the drain in my shower and there is hair everywhere like pollen being spread by the wind of spring. I went outside to get rid of some of the clumps and to donate the hairs to the birds who I am sure can use it for their nests. I thank God that I buzzed it to a 1/4" because I know that I would not be able to deal with it if it was longer than this. My husband offered to buzz it all the way down but I cant do that because my scalp hurts and doing that would aggrevate it further.

I thought I was prepared for my hair loss but I wasnt prepared for the shock that comes with it coming out. No one can prepare you for that. I know that my hair was just one of my physical features but it was one that I was very proud of and had for a very long time. It made me different from many other women my age because it was very curly and long by todays standards and past my waist. My goal was to grow it past my behind and it had been growing for about 5 years before I was diagnosed with cancer. It was 31" when I cut it to my shoulders. I then went shorter to my chin and then further up behind my ears. When I buzzed it last week I thought that would be the worse of it but this is. When I thought about the worse possible thing that could happen to me I thought about the people who would lose their hair to chemo and think that had to be the worst. I hoped that would never be me. Today, I feel like I am in a nightmare and cant wake up because it is me going through chemo and losing my hair. I guess there can be much worse things that can be happening but right now I cant think of any.

It seems very shallow of me to post this here in my blog but since it is affecting me in this way I thought it was important enough to write about. Maybe when its all out and I can wear my wig properly I will feel better? I can only hope this to be true so I can feel some sense of normalcy again. I feel like I have no identity, like its being washed away with the hair thats going down the drain and flying off in the breezes of spring. I know I am the same person deep down but I dont feel that way and I am longing for the person I was before all this happened to me. My Mom says that this will make me a better person and I will come out a better person after its all over. Maybe I dont want to be a better person. Maybe I just want to be the same person I was before all these things happened to me. I dont want to be a different person, I just want the old one back.