Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Last Word

I have made a promise to myself and I am going to try damn hard to keep it. I promised that I will not talk about my sister or bring up the subject of her with my Mom unless she brings it up first. I cannot do this to myself any more, its unhealthy and its getting me nowhere. I will not be the one who has to bring it all together, thats not my job. I didnt mess it up so I refuse to, "do the right thing" as my parents say and end this crap. I DID the right thing when I wrote a letter to my sister such a long time ago asking for her to just end it, but she didnt. I spoke to her at the funeral and sat next to her, pretending as if nothing had happened. I dont know who out there knows how hard that is to do when you know that person doesnt care about you or what happens to you. I dont think evereryone could do what I did and, "just let it go". For a moment I did and I pretended in my mind that she was sorry but still as I write this in my blog, no apology has come. No phone call has come, like my husbands apology to her which came less than one hour after his mistake. He and I always do the right thing. Why cant my sister be expected to do the right thing? Why cant my parents say this to her? I confuse myself the more I think about it. All I can say is that if she intended on apologizing to me it would have happened already and it hasnt. She lied to my Mom when she said that she was going to apologize and didnt that night when all hell broke loose. She got away with it yet again and my parents turned a blind eye. My Mother wants me and her to go to lunch with my sister and that WONT HAPPEN unless I get a phone call from her. I wont subject myself to this crap anymore or pretend that its all OK because its not. I dont know whats going to happen during the holidays because we usually go to my parents but I wont go if my sister is going to be there, its that simple. I am a big girl, a woman who has been through hell, even though my father wont accept that and still thinks I have "problems". He's ignorant to say the things he has said to me in the past and he lied to me and my mother when he said he was going to change. I bet she forgot that. When there was a fight at my Mom's house where he blamed me for getting sick, that if I didnt yell and get stressed I wouldnt have gotten breast cancer. I bet my Mom forgets all this because in order to live with a narcissist you have to do that. I havent forgotten any of it and you can see how all this compounds and makes me very sad, angry and mad. So, I promise that I wont subject myself to situations that cause me anger, pain or stress (intentionally of course), no matter how mad this makes members of my family because they just dont understand. I have to add that during the huge fight that occured before my Nana died my Dad had said that this would never have gone as far as it did if it happend to him and his brother (I asked him how he would feel if this happened to him and his sibling and this is the dumb ass answer I got) because he would have done something to end it, taken the upper hand and ended it. Well Dad, I tried. I sent my sister a letter, I sent her and her boyfriend a birthday gift, I GOT SICK MANY MANY TIMES and its NOT MY FAULT! I DID TRY OVER AND OVER AGAIN no matter what my Dad thinks. I forgot those things can never happen to him because he's perfect and untouchable. No illnesses, No fights or disagreements, nothing. Everyone else has the problem, but not him. I love those kind of people. They always think that horrible things happen to other people and not them. Maybe someday they'll open their eyes before a huge freakin' brick hits them in the head. Thats the last word, for now.

I went to my Oncologist yesterday and he wants me to have another PET Scan. I am going to try and schedule it the same day as my MRI that the neurosurgeon wants so I can get them done all at once. I'll find out more when I see him later this week. The Dr. is concerned that I will spend the whole day in the hospital but he forgets that I have lots of knitting to do while I wait.

Here's some more jewelry I made:

Blue Glass Leaves Necklace
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Green and Yellow Aventurine Necklace
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Blue Ceramic Necklace
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Blue and White Necklace
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Red & Orange Borosilicate glass pendant
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Cirtine Necklace
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Red Glass Leaves Necklace
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Red and Black Dangler Earrings
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Glass and Silver Faces Set
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Paula Radke Dichroic Glass Necklace
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Twisted Blue Blown Glass Pendant Necklace
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A knitted finished object made with Lorna's Laces Shepherd Worsted 100% Superwash Wool in Aslan colorway.

I made it for a Dr who works with my husband. Him and his wife had a baby a few weeks ago and I love making these because they're quick and easy.

The Cabled Tank has become a nightmare after ripping it back to fix it three times. I have realized that its not me thats causing the problem, its the pattern. I am thinking of ways to fix it. I will fix it but its going to take me some time. I am working on the Little Sky Learning Sock in Cat Bordhi's New Pathways for Sock Knitters book. So far its a lot of fun and thank God there are lots of babies to wear these little socks that I am making. They're coming out so cute too! I am using Baby Alpaca by Plymouth and its soooo soft! Maybe I should make myself some sleeping socks with it.

My Mom's birthday is today September 11th~Happy Birthday!
Lets never forget what happened this day 6 years ago. Always remember.
God Bless all those lost that day.


belinda3396 said...

I love the little jacket and the jewelry! Happy birthday to your mom. It must be hard to have a birthday on that day!

CurlyBrunette said...

Thanks belinda! It was really hard for my Mom for the first few years after it happened. Now I just look at it as two seperate events and even though we will never forget I try not to think of them together. I am sure there are lots of people with birthdays on that day and I am sure its difficult for them also.