Monday, April 16, 2007

In my own words

Blogs, thats the topic at the moment. I didnt think I would write about this but I must. Its the reason I started a blog so I can record my feelings and emotions and by doing so it makes me feel better. It started when I was in high school and a teacher told us that the best therapy one could do for oneself was to keep a journal to record whatever we wanted so that it would be our own private therapy session. You know what, it worked. I have kept a written journals for many years dating back to the eighties. They are all in order of year in the back of my closet so when I need to go back for reference I can. I dont fear anyone reading them because my family respects my privacy so I write anything and everything in them. I am missing one journal from 1998 that was lost when we moved into this house the in June of 2005.
During this time many were starting blogs. I had no idea what a blog was and I really didnt want one. In 2003 I became a member of an online community for growing long hair that allows its members to keep online private and public journals. This is when I started to "blog". When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Feb. of 2006 I decided that the time was right for me to record my life on a public blog. My reason for doing so was more than doing it for me because I already had a private journal that only members of the long hair community had access to and I also kept a handwritten one that I keep next to my bed. I wanted to be able to help other young women like myself who find themselves in the position I was in. I was a 34 year young woman, with 2 small children, not married quite that long to my best friend and having a terminal illness. I thought that it would help these women and other readers who came to my blog and said, I know how she feels and I am not alone because there are others that feel the same way I do. I started blogging on March 8, 2006, a few days after my lumpectomy which was to be the 1st of my many surgeries to come. I received e-mails and comments from other women thanking me for saying things that they were afraid to say. It felt good to be doing something that benefited me and others. In the beginning I started out with the name CURLYBRUNETTE'S STORY OF SURVIVAL because thats what it was, my story of surviving cancer. Fifty or so posts ago I changed the name to KNIT HAPPENS because I didnt want to keep focusing all my time on my cancer. I am more than my cancer and I do have interests that I like to talk about, one of them being Knitting.

I received lots of feedback from family and friends saying what a great blog I had and that they loved the pictures and such. Many cancer survivors still came to read it even though I changed the title.

In the middle of my treatment I began to e-mail a friend that I made through an Online Mothers who Breastfeed Group back in 2000 when my daugher was born. We had the opportunity to meet up while on vacation in 2004 and after that vacation we e-mailed every month or so. Like I said I e-mailed her in the middle of my treatment and we began to talk again without any problems or issues. I sent her to my blog so she would be able to catch up with things and see what I was going through without me rehashing all of it. We were always honest with one another and told things like they were. It was difficult to hurt our feelings, we were pretty tough cookies. Out of the blue she asks if she can be honest with me and I say sure, not thinking what she is going to say is going to be so hurtful that it would start a huge arguement between us. She then starts to say that she is afraid to say things to me for fear she might unintentionally hurt my feelings and that she is thinking this way because of the 'numerous' times mentioned in my blog where I have been angry at people for reasons that she states in her eyes, "were not that bad". She also says that she doesnt want to be a friend that I oust out of my life because she says the wrong thing. OK, I have no idea where this is comming from because I have never said to her, "what you said really bothered me" because she never did and I didnt have to say anything like that. So at this moment I am confused. I am also confused because I have never ousted a friend of mine, they just havent called me thats all. I have had people call me after not hearing from them for a long time and I dont hold a grudge, I speak to them and I am kind and compassionate like they have been calling me on a regular basis. The statement that really angered me was the one where she said that there were numerous times where I was angry at things that she didnt think were that bad and that she wouldnt have been angry or upset at them. I ask her for examples of this and after e-mailing several times back and forth she produces 2 things I said in a post from back in June of 2006 called MAJOR COMPLAINTS. In the post I go into detail about CERTAIN people who say things when you are sick like, "If there is anything I can do" and "Things will get better". In the post I explain why these 2 statements upset me and its long so I hate to rehash it now but you can look it up and see that I said this while I was under duress. I was getting dose dense chemotherapy which is the most drug a person can take without killing them, and I was still recovering from surgery and developed lymphedema in my left arm where I had lymph nodes removed. No matter what I said she shouldnt have passed judgement on me by saying what she said. I told her that she is not me and she didnt go through what I did so how could she know how she would feel? Before I got cancer I would never be able to say something like that to someone. Its just not right and it makes no sense to me why she would say it. She then said that this is what she was afraid would happen that I would get mad and angry and that I was attacking her now after I told her that it was OK to tell me how she felt and to be honest with me. I dont think that I am the one thats wrong in this matter just because I expressed my feelings over what CERTAIN people were saying. I wasnt even referring to her when I stated these things because we werent even speaking at that time. I almost forgot the 3rd thing she said I was overly sensitive to. It was a post I made a couple of days ago when I got a haircut and the hairstylist said some screwed up stuff to me. In the post I also included the fact that the stylist said MANY things that I didnt record in the post. I made the point that she hurt my feelings by what she said and thats it. Out of the 125 posts in this blog there are not many negative ones. I always try and look at the positive in a situation. We are not referring to the posts about my sister and my family because thats my business and no one elses. I thought the other posts were also my business but apparently I was wrong and I have to hold my tongue because this 'friend' of mine is afraid of something that hasnt even happened yet. I have never flamed her before or said that something she said hurt me so I think she is paranoid. She keeps bringing up whats going on NOW WITH THIS SITUATION AS PROOF OF ME FLAMING HER and thats totally unfair because she started it. She didnt have to 'be honest' with me. How did this benefit us? It didnt and now I want nothing to do with her because of it. I dont need friends like that who are going to make me physically sick and make me throw up all night and lose sleep because of having an opinion about something that she thinks "isnt that bad". Like I said before, "HOW THE HELL CAN SHE KNOW THAT IT WOULDNT BOTHER HER IF SHE ISNT ME AND HASNT BEEN THROUGH WHAT I HAVE??" She as also worried about being a topic in my blog and I told her that it wouldnt happen and that I wouldnt do that to her. Guess what? She hurt me like no other friend has hurt me before so I must write it in my blog, she left me no choice. I wont post names or locations because I am not a jerk and I am not doing this to get her in any way. I am doing this to make myself feel better and to share what happened with someone who called themselves my friend when they were nothing but a passive-aggressive liar who can rot in hell with the rest of my so called 'friends' that have abandoned me.

I am a member of the Young Survival Coalition ( ) and I went to them to ask about this situation. They were extremely supportive and helpful. Many told me that they had been in similar situations and had to break friendships because of it. Others said that I have matured and grown out of the friendship and that she (my so called friend) was immature and not going to get it because she hadnt walked a mile in my shoes. I sent my 'friend' the link to the site and no e-mails have come to my inbox since. I cant say I am happy over losing a friend but it was her own doing and she refused to own up to what she said and apologize. I made a decision a long time ago not to allow toxic people in my life and thats exactly what I am doing. Good bye to bad rubbish.


Curly Cable said...

Sorry to hear you have such horrible comments made to you by a "friend" Do not let this get you down and remember this is your blog and you write what you want to say, it's the readers choice if they want to read or look away, so you carry on writing on your blog when things bother you and no way are you offending anyone, it's a bit like when a member of your family passes away and you get a comment from someone else saying you should be over it by now! If we all had feelings the same, life would be boring. Take Care of yourself - Tracy x ;-)

CurlyBrunette said...

Thanks for making me feel better Curly Cable. I will continue to write my feelings down and not worry about what others think. Its just that I thought she was a friend and could understand what I was trying to say. Its just very sad. Thanks again.

justy said...

Hi CB! The Bible says if friends or kin bring you down, you are to turn around and walk away from them. We are to uphold and uplift each other and she was certainly doing you NO favors. Hope your tummy is better today!

CurlyBrunette said...

Thanks for the encoouragement Justy. This disease certainly makes you realize who your friends are and arent. It was sad but I feel a lot better now. No toxic people, ever! Thanks again.