The Last Word

I have made a promise to myself and I am going to try damn hard to keep it. I promised that I will not talk about my sister or bring up the subject of her with my Mom unless she brings it up first. I cannot do this to myself any more, its unhealthy and its getting me nowhere. I will not be the one who has to bring it all together, thats not my job. I didnt mess it up so I refuse to, "do the right thing" as my parents say and end this crap. I DID the right thing when I wrote a letter to my sister such a long time ago asking for her to just end it, but she didnt. I spoke to her at the funeral and sat next to her, pretending as if nothing had happened. I dont know who out there knows how hard that is to do when you know that person doesnt care about you or what happens to you. I dont think evereryone could do what I did and, "just let it go". For a moment I did and I pretended in my mind that she was sorry but still as I write this in my blog, no apology has come. No phone call has come, like my husbands apology to her which came less than one hour after his mistake. He and I always do the right thing. Why cant my sister be expected to do the right thing? Why cant my parents say this to her? I confuse myself the more I think about it. All I can say is that if she intended on apologizing to me it would have happened already and it hasnt. She lied to my Mom when she said that she was going to apologize and didnt that night when all hell broke loose. She got away with it yet again and my parents turned a blind eye. My Mother wants me and her to go to lunch with my sister and that WONT HAPPEN unless I get a phone call from her. I wont subject myself to this crap anymore or pretend that its all OK because its not. I dont know whats going to happen during the holidays because we usually go to my parents but I wont go if my sister is going to be there, its that simple. I am a big girl, a woman who has been through hell, even though my father wont accept that and still thinks I have "problems". He's ignorant to say the things he has said to me in the past and he lied to me and my mother when he said he was going to change. I bet she forgot that. When there was a fight at my Mom's house where he blamed me for getting sick, that if I didnt yell and get stressed I wouldnt have gotten breast cancer. I bet my Mom forgets all this because in order to live with a narcissist you have to do that. I havent forgotten any of it and you can see how all this compounds and makes me very sad, angry and mad. So, I promise that I wont subject myself to situations that cause me anger, pain or stress (intentionally of course), no matter how mad this makes members of my family because they just dont understand. I have to add that during the huge fight that occured before my Nana died my Dad had said that this would never have gone as far as it did if it happend to him and his brother (I asked him how he would feel if this happened to him and his sibling and this is the dumb ass answer I got) because he would have done something to end it, taken the upper hand and ended it. Well Dad, I tried. I sent my sister a letter, I sent her and her boyfriend a birthday gift, I GOT SICK MANY MANY TIMES and its NOT MY FAULT! I DID TRY OVER AND OVER AGAIN no matter what my Dad thinks. I forgot those things can never happen to him because he's perfect and untouchable. No illnesses, No fights or disagreements, nothing. Everyone else has the problem, but not him. I love those kind of people. They always think that horrible things happen to other people and not them. Maybe someday they'll open their eyes before a huge freakin' brick hits them in the head. Thats the last word, for now.

I went to my Oncologist yesterday and he wants me to have another PET Scan. I am going to try and schedule it the same day as my MRI that the neurosurgeon wants so I can get them done all at once. I'll find out more when I see him later this week. The Dr. is concerned that I will spend the whole day in the hospital but he forgets that I have lots of knitting to do while I wait.

Here's some more jewelry I made:

Blue Glass Leaves Necklace


Green and Yellow Aventurine Necklace


Blue Ceramic Necklace


Blue and White Necklace


Red & Orange Borosilicate glass pendant


Cirtine Necklace


Red Glass Leaves Necklace


Red and Black Dangler Earrings


Glass and Silver Faces Set


Paula Radke Dichroic Glass Necklace


Twisted Blue Blown Glass Pendant Necklace


A knitted finished object made with Lorna's Laces Shepherd Worsted 100% Superwash Wool in Aslan colorway.


I made it for a Dr who works with my husband. Him and his wife had a baby a few weeks ago and I love making these because they're quick and easy.

The Cabled Tank has become a nightmare after ripping it back to fix it three times. I have realized that its not me thats causing the problem, its the pattern. I am thinking of ways to fix it. I will fix it but its going to take me some time. I am working on the Little Sky Learning Sock in Cat Bordhi's New Pathways for Sock Knitters book. So far its a lot of fun and thank God there are lots of babies to wear these little socks that I am making. They're coming out so cute too! I am using Baby Alpaca by Plymouth and its soooo soft! Maybe I should make myself some sleeping socks with it.

My Mom's birthday is today September 11th~Happy Birthday!
Lets never forget what happened this day 6 years ago. Always remember.
God Bless all those lost that day.

Some Things Never Change Part Two

My sister finally spoke to me during the whole wake/funeral service for Nana. Actually, I started talking to her. However, she did not apologize and she never even asked about anything medical that was going on or had gone on with me. No "How are you feeling?" or "Whats happening with you right now?" I told my Mom that if Nana didnt die then she would still not be speaking to me at all. She had no choice in the matter and also my Mom threatened to throw her out of the house if she didnt "Cut out this behavior". So, I dont think that she intended to speak to me at all and has gotten away with her nasty actions YET again. My Mom seems to think that she has turned over a new leaf. I asked her how she would know that without a single word from my sister about the situation and she just says, "I just know". She doesnt have a good track record when it comes to putting her faith in my sister so I dont think shes right. Now, if my sister told my Mom or me that she was sorry then I would say maybe but that didnt even happen. She didnt mention a word about me or this situation to my Mom. A hypothosis is an educated guess based on fact and I wouldnt call my Mom's theory a hypothosis because she's basing it on nothing, no facts. The funny thing is that in the heat of the moment the other day my husbands anger got a hold of him and he said something that he later apologized to my sister for. It was a well deserved statment but it shouldnt have been said. You cant blame him though. When it happened my parents jumped down his throat like a violent attack dog. Then later my Dad said some really mean and nasty about him and it really upset him. He said it was like he (my husband) was always looking for a pat on the back. NOT. He must be smoking crack to think something as stupid as that because my husband has helped many people over his lifetime and not because he wants a "pat on the back". Its because he's a good person and wants to help. My father forgets all the things he did for my grandmother and that she lived 2 years that she really wasnt supposed to due to the wonderful and caring Dr's my husband found for my her. That crap pisses me off because he also helped my Dad many times with medical stuff getting him Lipitor for free and so many things I cant possibly list them all here. The more I hear the less I like my father and I cant understand why my Mom doesnt get it. She knows my husband is a good person but she and my Dad jumped down his throat for cursing my sister knowing full well that she had no intention of saying she was sorry. Later, after my husband apologized to her, she (my sister) said that she couldnt say she was sorry because there was "to many people around, too much going on" and yadda, yadda, yadda, ALL A LOAD OF BULL SHIT. You know why its bull shit? Well because its been a while since she said this crap and she has had so many chances to say she was sorry and hasnt. WHY? I can be nice and bite my tongue but whats right is right and I am still hurt and upset that my own sister did what she did to me. She rather take care of her boyfriends Dad than even call her sister to see if I am still alive. I had surgery in June and she never even asked about it or how I was??? Its just crazy. My parents make me so mad because its like she got another chance and she didnt do anything to deserve it! No apology, nothing! I am the one that spoke to her! My husband apologized for saying something that was well deserved and he's the one that got chastized!! Yeah, its hard to believe right. I have to stop now.

Here's some more jewelry for your viewing pleasure. If you are interested just drop me a comment or e-mail because its all for sale. The Autumn leaves necklace sold to a very nice young lady who fell in love with them and I thank her again for purchasing them from me.

Pisces


Paua Shell


Feeding Hummingbirds



Glass Bead bracelet


Dichroic Glass Pendant


Unakite & Howlite Necklace


Mother Of Pearl Choker


Pressed Glass Leaves with Swarovski Crystals


Assorted Memory Wire Necklaces


Lampwork Flower Necklace


Dichroic Glass and Sterling Sliver Necklace


Glass Flower Necklace


Turquoise Memory Wire Bracelet


First Day of School (I had to throw this in the middle just to be interesting)


Rose Quartz Necklace & Earings (this picture doesnt do this gorgeous necklace justice! The Swarovski crystals make it really sparkle)


Green Leaf Necklace


Millifiori Set


Red Pearl (2 strand necklace)


Chandeliers


Snowflake Obsidian


Brownstone Memory Wire Necklace


Sean the Sheep Necklace & Earings (How can a knitter not love this?)


Nicky, the kitten at 4 months old


Speaking of knitting, I joined my 3rd sock club the other day! This club has to be the best because its being done by my LYS, Knitting Central and its a full year of socks!!! I added the link in my sidebar. I also happen to be lucky enough to find New Pathways for Sock Knitters by Cat Bordhi. Its an unbelievable book and I definitely have to READ it before trying anything. Cat suggests that you knit the 2 little socks before doing any of the other socks in the book. I made some stitch markers to use on them with some plastic letter beads, A, B, C, D and E. Woolgirl's sock club will be shipping out their first shippment anyday now. It seems I have some catch up knitting to do when it comes to socks. I was also able to postpone the STARRY NIGHT SHAWL CLASS until November which is great because I have to catch up there also.

Bad News

Nana died at 3pm on Saturday September 1st.
We had been going to my parents to be with her almost every day and we decided to stay home on Saturday because the kids were very upset over everything they had been seeing and asking a lot of questions. I am glad they were not there when she died.

A huge fight broke out at the house while we were there that involved us (my sister was there). I do not plan on rehashing this story here because even though it was a very bad fight with curse words flying all over the place, My father got mad because I called him an asshole. Well, if the shoe fits...

(Edited 9/4/07 @ 3am) My Mom said that if she ever called her father an asshole that she would have had her teeth knocked out of her mouth by him. My response to that is, "Your father would have helped you more if you had been diagnosed with breast cancer" AND she knows there are many things my Dad has said that justifies what I called him. Before going through my treatment I wrote him a letter and he called me saying he was going to change and not be so negative. One of the things I didnt like was the way he made fun of Nana all the time. He said he would change. All I have to say is that he has not changed and that makes me mad because now he says that I have the problems and me and my husband need to see a therapist when he is the one that has the mental problems but he convinces others that they are the ones with the problems. Right. Thats called passive aggressive but remember its me and my husband that have the problems. He tells my husband that I need to control my anger and have an outlet for it AND why am I so angry? Is he kidding me or what? I really think that my Dad compares what I went through to having a cold or something minor. He's not with me when I go to my oncologists office and relive the times I went there for my chemo treatments. He forgets that I have had more surgeries than I care to remember then he has the nerve to say something as stupid as "Why does she get so angry and I need to control it". My husband said that "My wife has earned the right to scream, yell and have tantrums because I had cancer and any normal woman would do the same." He doesnt get it because he has never had a damn thing wrong with him and has never been hospitalized. So many things were said but I can possibly go over each ane every one right now. I think you, dear reader, understand why I called my father an asshole.

I am sparing all of you the gory, horrid details (even though I vented a bit there about my father). I am hoping that something good comes of it. Something tells me that things never change but even it it does for a little bit then maybe it was worth it.

9/3/07- We went to the wake this evening and I cant believe how nice Nana looked. I know that many people talk about that type of stuff and how their relative looked really bad in the casket, yada yada yada and so on...but she really did look nice especiallu for someone thats dead. They are having more viewing hours tomorrow afternoon and evening and the kids are going to stay home tomorrow with my husband while I attend. They have to get up for school tomorrow and I know they were exhaisted when they went this evening. Maybe tomorrow, I can stop at the bead store on the way to the wake and check out whats new.

Some Things Never Change

Yesterday we went to my parents house for the 1st time in months. I cant remember when I was there last. I have been avoiding going there for fear I will run into my sister and I really dont want a fight to break out. My husband is a very calm and laid back person but if he runs into her I am afraid he is going to have an explosion. He has seen what she has done to me, the stress she has caused me, sleepless nights and numerous fights we have had over the whole situation. This is why he wants to kick her ass and so do I. I think there is a line forming with the same request because my parents have had it with her behavior also. I have been telling my Mom for months that she has to do something about it and she finally realizes it now?

I cant tell you how many times I have written her letters, or my parents have tried to talk to her and get her to change. As we all know, people dont change because we want them to. They change because THEY want to. Some things never change and she is one of them. Its shocking to me because something like your sister battling something as serious as breast cancer would be enough to wake up some people from their stupor, but not her. Its both upsetting to me and very, very sad. She was actually over the house yesterday, in her room on the second floor when we arrived. My Great Aunts were there along with her (my sister's) Godmother and she didnt even come out of her room to say hello or greet anyone. She snuck out of the house without anyone knowing without saying anything to anyone.

My Mother is extremely stressed right now and this pissed her off even more. My Mom told me that my sister never came to visit my Nana in the rehab facility (she was there for 21 days). My Nana is in the process of dying right now and my sister cant even spend time with her? What has my Nana ever done to her to deserve this type of treatment? Well, whatever it is it must be the same thing I did to deserve the treatment I have been receiving from her. My cousin was also over for dinner yesterday and filled me in on some stuff I didnt know and I dont think my Mom even knew. She said that when my Nana was in the hospital (she didnt know it at the time) she came to my parents house to visit her and my sister was home. My cousin asked how I was doing (not knowing she doesnt talk to me) and my sister replied, "We dont talk anymore." She made a mistake there when she said that. She should have said that SHE doesnt talk to ME!! What a bitch. She also said that she was "taking the day off" from visiting Nana because me, my husband and my son were visiting her. Yeah, she didnt want to run into me thats why. I love that phrase she used also because every day is a day off for my sister. She stays out all hours of the night and then sleeps until 3 in the afternoon AND she's going to be 30 years old in 2 months! They call that a LOSER in my dictionary. My kids went upstairs to say hello to her and was knocking on her bedroom door. She opened it and said that she was busy and couldnt come out but she would come out and play with them later. She lied. She lied to my children, her Godchildren. Can you see why I am getting madder?

Think of how the whole situation looks to an outsider. She is the one that looks like an asshole, not me. After all I went through and all the surgeries I have had even before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, she doesnt talk to me? WHY?? I have had many, many surgeries and medical issues since I was pregnant with my daughter and she is 7 and a half years old. She never lifted a finger to help me or call me or anything for me or my family. I would always extend an invitation to my sister and her boyfriend (who is my son's Godfather) and she would say NO 100% of the time. After a while it gets frustrating but it didnt stop me from inviting her to do things with me and my family. Can you tell I am a little upset? I was crying on the ride home yesterday not only for this but the whole situation.

My father is so clueless also and he hasnt changed. Before I went through chemo I told him I didnt want his negativity around me. I wanted to surround myself with positive people, which he isnt. He told my husband that he wants to "negotiate a peace" between me and my sister. My husband said no, dont do that. He told my Dad that he just doesnt understand how I feel because he has never been in that type of situation. My father thinks its the best thing to do "for my mother" at this time. NO ITS NOT and he needs to mind his own business. He's so damn clueless that when we were leaving and he was saying good-bye to us he mentioned that he's still trying to convince my sister that smoking is bad for her. UGH!! WAKE UP! I told him to stop giving a shit for people who couldnt care less about him. See, he doesnt get it. I could go on and on about him too but I dont want to keep typing all night. You get the point. I havent talked about my sister and the situation in a long time because thats not what this blog is about. Its important for me to tell the story so I can vent and get it out. If I held this all in I would explode and sometimes its nice for you readers to know why I am in a certain mood and such. I am sure with the situation going on with my Nana, you might be hearing a bit more about my sister and the whole situation. If anything happens to my Nana, I am going to inevitably meet my sister face to face and man do I have a lot to say. I am hoping there are lots of people present when that happens. My father also makes me mad because he's a mean person and he has always been an ass to my Nana. My husband and I always told him that she wasnt well and thats why she acted and said the things she did. Sometimes she said some crazy things about me but I didnt let it bother me more than a minute because I knew she had something medically wrong with her and that would explain it. My Nana's Dr and my husband tried to tell my father that Nana wasnt well and not to be so mean to her but he never listened and it continued. He said some mean things to my husband yesterday but he wont tell me what they were. It wouldnt surprise me because this is the same person that told my husband that I caused my own cancer because I "stress out" at silly things. Can you see me getting MADDER now? Hypocrite.

Back to my sister...Right now I am not sure my parents can do anything about my sister because of the situation with Nana. She came home and is under hospice care. They originally said that she had 6 months but my husband and I both agree that her condition had deteriorated much faster than we first thought. Dont get me wrong, I dont want to see her die but I dont want to see her suffer this way. Yesterday she was in a lot of pain and we had to call her Dr and the hospice to get her pain medication increased which, by the time we had left she was having some relief. Please say a prayer for her.

I have to talk about some happy things now.
Here is some jewelry I have made over the past few days:

Amethyst Set


Cotton Candy Cane


Millifiori & BC Awareness Bracelets


Mint Chocolate Chip with Cherries


Close up of the Cane Glass


Pink Stars in a Blue Sky


Tribal Glitter


Autumn Leaves-SOLD!


Smoky Topaz Gets in Your Eyes


Purple Passion Flower


Marshmallow Marble


Blue Hearts


Come Fly With Me



My Sock Kit from Blue Moon came the other day!
Flower Power colorway and Summer of Love Lace by JC Briar pattern:


I havent started these socks because I have to finsih at least one of the Solstice Slip Socks from the June kit. I am trying to finish the cabled tank top but I had to rip back and fix a mistake yesterday so that set me back a bit. I'm slow but I get it done should be my motto!