2006, the Year in Review and 2007's Goals

I was thinking all day about what kind of post I wanted to make as the last one of 2006. It could be about the year in review but I might bore everyone to death if I do that. It could be about what I accomplished in this year and even though it was overall a very difficult year I think I learned a lot about myself and others. I learned that one cant judge someones situation just by looking at them. You never knows whats going on in someone elses life unless they tell you whats going on. I learned not to complain about petty things, well at least not obsess about them! I learned that my hair is not as important as I thought it was but I sure do miss it! I taught myself how to knit and not just knit and purling. I have progressed to sock making and found that I am addicted to sock making and yarn hording also. One can never have to much sock yarn! I think that if I didnt get sick I might not have discovered knitting. Some might think this is crazy but knitting has changed my life. When I am stressed I knit, when I am bored I knit. I knit in the car, at the doctors offices, the therapists office, friends houses, my Mom's house and anywhere else you can think of knitting. Oh, dont forget crocheting also. I have learned who my real friends are :waving: and who are not. I have even realized that I have a sister who doesnt give a sh*t if I live or die and I am not exaggerating when I say this, its the truth.

I have goals for 2007 but you have to realize that for the past 7+ years there has been something medically wrong with me every year and it seems that each year the diagnosis get worse. Its hard to be positive but I am going to be. So here are some of the goals for the new year:

1) Start going to the gym again and losing the weight I gained during chemo.
2) Get a tatoo commemorating my journey through breast cancer this past year. I am still trying to decide what kind I want and find someone who will do it where I want it.
3) Take more knitting classes to expand my knowledge and skills in knitting. Starting in January I am taking a Dog Cabled Sweater class and I am so excited about it!
4) Go to the STITCHES EAST 2007 knitting conference with my knitting buddies.
5) Join the BLUEMOON FIBER ARTS SOCK CLUB (which I am pre-registered for) and actually knit the sock patterns they send me even if they are challenging. If I get stuck I can go to my LYS and ask my sock guru (Sally) to help me out. Complete at least one pair a month, at least I said.
6) Learn to knit a sock toe-up
7) Learn short rows in sock knitting.
8) Make a sweater for my husband and myself
9) Be a kinder and more compassionate person
10) Still try to get a job at a yarn store no matter how many times they say, "we dont need anyone right now."
11) Go to the dentist (havent been in over 2 years)
12) Garden more.
13) Try to pay bills ontime (this one is a losing battle)
14) I am sure there are more but I cant think right now and I didnt want to end on #13, call me suspicious.

Happy New Year to all!

How I ruined Christmas?

Sometimes I feel like all I do is complain and that there is a lot of negativity in my writings but I have no other way to get it out then to write it down. I do apologize to many who read my journal or blog and say I am sorry for bringing you down and I promise that in the new year not to put so many complaints in here.

I hesitated to write about Christmas Day because it was horrible and I have been upset since but I have to put it down into writing because it helps me move on and beyond and hopefully prevent future mistakes on my part like thinking it was a good idea to be around my sister and also thinking that she would keep her promise to my Mom not to ruin Christmas.

I will start with when we arrived at my Mom's on Christmas Day. My sister was hiding up in her room again and the kids wanted to rip right into the gifts that Santa had left at my Mom's. Asking them to wait wasnt right and then she got mad that we werent or that they werent waiting for her. We all exchanged gifts and then sat down to eat dinner. It was just my parents, my grandmother, Great Aunt, my sister and us and we were all dressed nicely. Not overdressed but dressed presentable. My sister was in her pajamas at 4pm in the afternoon! That wasnt right, she's not a teenager, she's 29 years old! It just wasnt right but my sister gets a free pass as always but you never hear me complain about that in all the years we were growing up that she was allowed to get away with murder because of the road that I paved before her. In the middle of dinner she disappeared, to her room no doubt. The kids especially my son was very overstimulated and because of his problems that he has thats an issue that has to be dealt with all the time. There was so much stuff going on that he didnt know what to play with. In the end he went back to the simple Thomas toy he got from my cousin the night before. No one was helping me or my DH with the kids, no one. My Mom was busy cleaning up so I am not referring to her when I say no one. I am referring to my sister who hasnt seen the kids since Easter which was April (8 mos ago) when I was at my Mom's for dinner and she said that I embarrassed her because I was emotional about something. Gee I wonder what it could have been that I could have been upset about? I had started chemo in March so maybe that was it??? DUHHHH!!! She hasnt seen them in that long and she couldnt come out of her room to play with her Godchildren?

Then my Dad brings out a shoe filled with change to give to the kids, which was a nice thing to do but there was so much going on that it was just too much. He gives them all this change and rolls to roll them then goes back downstairs to watch football or play on the computer I am not sure what. He should have sat down and rolled the money with my DD instead of dumping it on them and disappearing. I told my DD to put the 2 bags of change in my bag and we would deal with it later because there was too many toys and things to play with. She didnt listen and dropped the bags spilling change all over the kitchen floor. This is when I lost it and started to cry. No one was understanding why except for my Aunt, I think. I was tired and in need of some help with the kids. My DH was trying to deal with my son but he was losing it also. I was home with them the whole week due to them being sick and after a while you lose it. I wasnt supposed to be lifting for another 2 weeks at least and I have been because I have no choice. When my son isnt behaving he doesnt want to get into his seat or car seat so I have to put him in myself. My Mother told my DH in the beginning not to take extra time off work that she would help and he wouldnt have to lose time or money at work and then she tells me that she cant be around the week before Christmas? She had things to do and prepare. I am not saying that she has to be here all day but maybe send my Dad up here for a few hours to play with the kids while I rest? Maybe that was an option? Or maybe not putting those expectations on yourself when you know that someone needs assistance? No one was coming on Christmas Day and the only person whose expectations had to be filled was hers. She cant say, I cant do this because my DD needs help? I just dont get it. Anyway, I lost it and started to cry and say, "Where is everyone? Why cant they come down here and play with the kids? Where is Daddy and T (my sister)?" My Mother said, "I am cleaning up I cant play with them?" Well I wasnt talking about you! So then after I lost it and went downstairs my Mom and Dad sat down with my DD to color and play with her. If I didnt get upset my Dad would still be missing. My sister never came out of her room. I think my Mom went up to talk to her but I cant be sure of it. It was sad because the kids would go to the bottom of the stairs and call up there for her to come down and play with them and she never did. My DD kept asking me if she could sit next to my sister and then added, "Is she going to come and play with us?" over and over all night.

My Mom came downstairs where I had retreated to so I could calm down and started to tell me not to ruin Christmas. ME?? Is she on crack? She should have been yelling at my sister not me. I didnt do a damn thing! This pissed me off even more and I tried to explain what I was feeling but she wasnt getting it. I tried to tell her that if she was in my place she would be equally upset over the situation. My sister cares more about her boyfriends Dad then her own sister and her neice and nephew! How would that make her feel?? Plus, my sister NEVER asked me how I was feeling or anything to do with me and what I have been through. I didnt need a disertation but she could have just asked how I felt because she hasnt spoken to me since August 16th, the day after my bilateral mastectomy. Oh, she did call to say thanks for her gift that I gave her for her birthday (in Oct) but that was a 2 minute conversation and didnt go into anything else. It hurts so much to hear her talking about him (her boyfriends Dad) with emotion in her voice and then not give two sh*ts about me, her sister or her Godchildren. Its shameful and discusting behavior and no one makes her accountable for it so she continues to get away with it. In the 2 days we spent at my Moms she had nothing good to say and never spoke to me other than when we were opening gifts and eating dinner, to pass the salt. I told my Mom that she has no idea where I am coming from and doesnt understand. She said that she does know because she has gone through it with me. OK, OK, I know you have been there with me while I was going through it but YOU DIDNT go through what I did no matter how much you convince yourself you have. Its just not the same. She hasnt had cancer and she hasnt been through chemo, many surgeries and reconstruction and she is not in the same mind that I am. I was the one with cancer and it very well might return. I hope and pray it doesnt but there is that chance and I have to live with that every day of my life. I know someday I will die I just dont want to die from BC.

So now she is STILL upstairs in her room and its getting later and later. I think it was 7pm. I have to get the kids home because they are still sick and DH has work the next day. My DD keeps calling for my sister up the stairs and I roll my eyes because I know she is not coming down. Now, get ready for this one because its truely unbelievable. My sister finally comes downstairs to make a plate of food to heat up for herself to eat. She is actually dressed now and out of her PJ's. She pours a glass of wine and places it next to my Mom in the dining room where we are all sitting having coffee and cake. She is in the kitchen heating up her food and saw that my Mom made a package for me and my family to take home with leftovers from dinner and it wasnt even a lot of food mind you. Just food from Christmas dinner, no food from the Christmas Eve dinner which would have been nice to have. Anyway, she askes out loud, whos food it was and why was my Mom giving HER food away. It sounds like a joke and I thought at 1st she was just kidding but she wasnt. She said it several times. My Mom finally realized that she wasnt kidding and my Aunt also realized this. You should have seen their faces when my sister was going off on her tyrade. Meanwhile I hear her mumbling and grumbling and I say, in a low voice, to my Mom, that this is what I expected and that I didnt want the food, she could have it. Did my sister realize that the food was for my kids and not just for me and my DH? How selfish can someone be. I was shocked that this was actually happening in front of my eyes. She then came into the dining room and grabbed her wine in a huff and retreated back to the kitchen. My Dad was in the kitchen with her and was saying something that I couldnt hear. I am not sure what it was and I really wish he would have told her off. Instead I am getting madder that no one (my Mom) is calling my sister out on her HORRENDOUS behavior and instead my Mom is telling ME to stop getting mad that I am ruining Christmas!!! I think my sister ruined it a long time ago and it had nothing to do with me. Does she think its easier to blame me than have someone be responsible for their behavior? I am perplexed, shocked, mad and I really wanted to leave.

Right after this situation occured, I got the kids dressed in their PJ's and ready to leave. We are headed out the door and my sister didnt get off her a** to say goodbye to me or us. Everyone else came to the door and said goodbye but not her. I didnt want to start another arguement so I didnt say goodbye. After the whole "taking food home fiasco" and all the other things she did, I dont think she deserved a goodbye. So we just left and I cried the whole way home. I cried because I was the one who lost my cool (momentarily) and ruined Christmas, I was the one who looked like a looney because I was actually present there and not hidding in my room. The funny thing is that I heard my sister (as I was leaving) talking to my Aunt or my Dad, I am not sure, about taking her boyfriends Dad to his chemo session on Wednesday. It made me so mad and hurt. I am crying now thinking about it. If I needed help (which I have and asked her for over the past months so I know from prior responses what she would say) even if I was on my death bed, she would not help me. I say this because I actually called her one night asking for help and I was crying because I needed someone to come the next day for a couple of hours otherwise my DH would have to call out sick to help me and she said, "No I cant. You know I have a life and Mommy is going on vacation in a few days and this is my last chance to go out because when she is gone I have to watch Nana." Oh, how unfair life is to you, my narcisistic sister! What the hell should I say then after almost 8 years of bad health and no life! You have got to be kidding me! It was like I asked for a pint of blood or something. Doesnt anyone see her behavior or is it just me? Are my parents blind to this? I just cant believe that I was the one that was yelled at on Christmas and not her. Maybe they did it later after I left but it wasnt right to do it to me. Dont I deserve better? I know there are others who have been through worse and I am not trying to play the martyr here but after all I have been through I am treated like this? I dont want to spend Christmas there again. Its not like it used to be years ago and nothing like I remember. Its not even about the gifts, its more than that. I couldnt care less about the gifts.

The other day I received a letter from the YOUNG SURVIVAL NETWORK. In the letter there were lots of facts and stats on BC survivors. One that cought my eye and sticks with me is this one:

Only 50% of women diagnosed before age 40 go on to live past the 10 year survival mark. **PLEASE SEE JUNE 28, 2007 ENTRY ON A CORRECTION THE YOUNG SURVIVAL COALITION POSTED OR GO TO: www.youngsurvival.org/appeal-statistics.com
THE NEW STATEMENT ON STATISTICS ARE AS FOLLOWS:

The latest available 10-year survival statistics are based on treatments through 1993. For those diagnosed between age 25 and 30, the 10-year survival rate is 60%; for those between age 30 and 35, the 10-year survival rate is 65%; for those between 35 and 40, the 10-year survival rate is 70%; and for those diagnosed between age 40 and 45, the 10-year survival rate is 77%.

THIS WAS SENT TO ME WITH AN APOLOGY LETTER ON JUNE 28, 2007**

When I told my Mom this she thinks I am being negative but I am not. Throughout this entire process I dont think I could have been more positive and I have every right to feel the way I do, I have earned it.

I dont know what else to say and I have wanted to call my Mom to see if she did anything or said anything to my sister when I left. I havent called because I know I am going to be upset, cry and argue. I really had higher expectations and thought it would have been the perfect time for my sister to apologize and move on but she made it worse and I want nothing to do with her ever again. My Mom says things change and things "come around" whatever the hell that means. Unless she says she is sorry, I want nothing to do with her. She has caused me so much pain over the past year I cant even put it into words. I know if someone hurt my Mom the way my sister hurt me she would not be so easy to forgive.

Edited to add: I made a mistake. The last time my sister was here was the day I had a pre-op appointment with my breast surgeon on June 15th. My Mom was in the city and couldnt watch the kids so she came up here to watch them. Big deal. She ran out of here like a bat out of hell when we got home

Christmas Eve

Yesterday we went to my Moms for Christmas Eve dinnner. We arrived before everyone else except my Great Aunt who had slept over the night before so my Dad wouldnt have to drive her home to late when all the drunk a** people are on the road.
My sister was there already, because she lives there. She's 29 and still with Mommy and Daddy-just a tad embarrassing in my book. No offense to anyone else who lives with their Mom and Dad because I know that everyones circumstances are different and I shouldnt judge but its my sister so I'm allowed to pass comments!

She remained up in her room hiding until we were done with the antipasto and working on the second course of the meal! My Mom had told me that her boyfriends Dad wasnt feeling well and he and my sisters boyfriend were staying home. When my sister finally came downstairs to join the living my cousin asked her about her missing boyfriend and she told him that his Dad's prostate cancer had spread to his bones and he was in a lot of pain with is back. This is old news with him because he has been treated for years with baby doses of chemo (which my DH said is not the way to treat his type of cancer and actually predicted this would happen because his Dr wasnt treating him properly. He even offered his help to him when he first told him about his health a few years ago but never took DH up on the offer) which my sister was taking him for every Wednesday and thats one of the reasons or I should say excuses she used when I needed her to help me. I have a lot of anger not only toward my sister for doing what she did but also toward this man who she chose over her own sister to help when I needed it most. I must admit I wasnt feeling to empathetic towards his plight yesterday. The funny thing is that when she was telling my cousin the details of what was going on with him, I heard her voice get very emotional and upset and I actually thought that she was going to cry! OK, now my blood was boiling. She never cried or let alone expressed any emotion like that about her own sister and she's doing it for a man who is not even her family? Thats why when people use the excuse for her that people react differently and strange when a loved one has a serious illness and they dont know what to say, blah blah bullsh*t, I say thats a load of crapola because look at the situation I just mentioned.

I forgot to mention, when she finally came down to join us she greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and said, "Merry Christmas, I have to talk to you when the kids arent around", I thought for a split second that I would get an apology. Later she said, "I wanted to know if you got the kids any toys with batteries because I bought rechargables and the charger and if you dont want it or have one already I can return it." Thats it, thats what she wanted to tell me in private. I havent seen my sister since the beginning of the summer and have had chemo, numerous surgeries, ER vists, without her giving two sh*ts and this is what she says to me? The entire night she pretended that there was no problems between us (queen of denial) and just had small talk but not much because we avoided each other. I just didnt want to cause any rage inside me to biuld up and make a scene. I wanted so badly to say something to her but I didnt want to ruin my Mom's dinner that she worked so hard all day to prepare. My DH happen to notice that she (my sister) escaped to her room a few times and when was taking DS to the bathroom he caught her coming out of her room with a cloud of smoke behind her. Now that would be a great explaination for her being so calm. Just thought I would add that in.

In other news, everyone liked my hair and commented on it all night. They said that it looks almost jet black and wanted to know if I dyed it! I kept saying no but my grandmother didnt believe me. She kept saying, "Is that your natural color?" I cant tell you how many times she asked. It was getting annoying after the 3rd time and she was getting kind of nasty because she thought I wasnt telling the truth. Others were saying how the curls are growing in nicely and that when it gets longer its going to look great

My Dad was the only one that said, "Oh its nice and WAVY, like it used to be when it was long." OK, no offense to wavies out there but my hair was not wavy, it was curly and spiraling curls mind you. Where the heck did he get wavy. We went back and forth about it for a few minutes and then my Mom said to him that my hair was curly like hers and how come he didnt remember? I said, "You cant even remember my hair? I cant believe you cant remember it.

We exchanged gifts with the people who were not going to be there for Christmas dinner today. All the people that I made gifts for LOVED their hand made gifts. My cousin LOVED the brown scarf with fall color stripes that I crocheted and said he had a brown winter coat to match! Then his girlfriend opened hers and she loved her wrist warmers and scarf. I wasnt sure if she would like the scarf because its a plush, soft semi-fuzzy yarn mixed with a Crystal Palace yarn that shimmers with little tied on ribbons. Its retro style and I thought since she is the youngest that she would get the most use out of it and I was right. My Great Aunt LOVED her scarf and so did my Uncle and his wife. I didnt give my parents, grandmother or sisters gifts out yesterday because we will go over my Mom's a little earlier before dinner and open them. I cant wait to see the kids faces when they see what Santa brought them! Yup, they are still asleep if you can believe it. They went to bed very late last night and so did I.

I was surprised that it went as well as it did last night without a major fight but we still have the entire day today to screw it up.

Its Almost Christmas!

Well, I couldnt wait until January for a shaping so I went yesterday to get a trim. I went to the same girl that did a great job last time and she did a great job yet again. I am very happy and I promised myself that I would wait until February so it can grow into its curl a bit. I bought some more styling products to hold me over when my hair gets to that awkward phase which will most likely be a month from now. When you see me complaining in a post dated Jan 20th or so you'll know why!

My kids were so sick this week and my DD almost went to the hospital again but we averted that by getting her on her nebulizers fast and avoiding pneumonia again. She is on the albuterol and pulmacort nebs and its helping a lot. I am using the good old steam vaporizer in my sons room and it is working great.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we have the traditional Italian dinner with the 7 fishes and all the other foods. Christmas Eve is bigger than Christmas Day in our family and always has been that way. I am looking forward to it because its my favorite time of the year but I am also going to be seeing my sister for the 1st time in months and I am not looking forward to that. I dont want a fight to break out but I warned my Mom that I am on the edge and very angry over this entire thing. Its stressing me out and I have a migraine now because of it. In my dreams I am hoping she approaches me and apologizes but that is a dream mind you. If she says anything thats inappropriate I told my Mom that I would embarrass her in front of everyone and I dont care how it makes me look because I have held it in long enough and I have every right to get it out. Believe me, I DONT want this to happen but I have been extremely emotional and I havent been able to control myself so one never knows what will happen.

I am finishing up some last minute knitted and crocheted gifts and I cant wait to give them to their new owners on Christmas! I get more excited giving gifts then getting them and have always been that way. Here is a picture of a cake I made the other day:

Here is a corset belt that I crocheted for my Mom (her Christmas gift):


And finally the socks that I made with a yarn over cable with Cascade Fixation yarn. I finished these a long time ago and never posted about them:


If I dont get a chance to write again before Christmas then MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!

In Memory of Blueberry Pancakes

Here is our beloved Blueberry Pancakes
Born Jan 2004, came into our family Mar 2004, Died Dec 16, 2006


Introducing Christmas (Chris) and Hannukka (Hanna)


I just love the purple spots on her cheeks!

2 Week Post-op Plastic Surgeon Vist

I forgot to mention that I went to my 2 week post op plastic surgery (PS) appointment on Tuesday this past week. Dr A. said everything looked great and that I can see him in one month to set up the next procedure. Hopefully my hair will grow a bit more before then so I dont look like such a dork! LOL

I gave him the scarf I made him along with a cute ornament that is a surgeons scrubs on a tiny hanger (its a Christmas ornament). When I handed him the gift I told him that I wasnt sure if he celebrated Christmas or not but I wanted to give him a gift. He said he celebrates all holidays so I felt better when he said that. The next day my DH caught him bragging about the "beautiful" scarf I made him for Christmas. Wow, I am glad he liked it. I hope everyone else that I made a gift for likes it as much as he did.

I have a lot of knitting to do so off I go!

Hannukka and Christmas

Today was a very sad day in our house. Our little budgie, Blueberry Pancakes, died today at 2 3/4 almost 3 years old. He hasnt looked well for a few weeks and he was moulting so I knew something was wrong. They always say they are more vulnerable when they are moulting. I was giving him extra vitamins and stuff but he was still feeling a bit bony to me. This afternoon when I was about to clean and feed him I looked at the cage and when I couldnt find him on one of the perches I knew immediately that he was dead, then I caught a glimpse of him on the bottom, extremely stiff and of course passed on to birdy heaven. I put him in a little box with his favorite birdie toy and a small blanket (paper towel to cover him). The box was a pretty purple that I had decorated in July with fireworks stickers and such. My DD and DS were both upset and my DD moreso because it was her bird. She couldnt stop crying no matter how much I comforted her. My Mom told me to go to the pet store with her to see if she wanted to get another bird, maybe two so they wouldnt get lonely. She was excited over that idea but still would cry every 10 minutes or so when she thought about the bird. She helped me to clean out his cage and disinfect it, just in case there was some type of illness the bird had that might have contributed to his death. I threw away all of the old toys and cups that held his food too.

We then went to the pet store which happens to be right around the corner and picked out new toys, cuttle bone, food and water cups and of course a mirror! I let my DD pick out the two birds that she wanted and they both happen to be one of each sex. I wasnt to concerned whether it was two boys or two girls or one of each as long as they got along with one another. There are two of them and here are their stats:
Girls name: Hannukka (Hanna for short)
Color: Yellow/Lime with purple cheeks
She is pudgy and cute also has a brown cere (nose) so we know its a girl

Boys name: Christmas (Chris for short)
Color: White with a blue cast has dark blue/black spots on cheek
He is smaller than the girl and a bit shy compared to her but I think he can hold his own (I hope! LOL) and he is definitely a boy because his cere is blue for a boy.

When my DH came home we burried Blueberry Pancakes in our yard with a wooden cross grave marker. We wrote his name and dates of birth and death on it. My DD wanted to write, "WE LOVE YOU" on it so we did. It was sad but we let her participate and she wanted to put the box in the hole DH dug and then said goodbye to him again. We cried and then I told her that we could plant some flowers there in the spring for him. She was happy about that. To comfort her some more I told her that Blueberry was with Grandma Angie and Poppy in heaven and that Poppy was the one that babysit him when we went to Florida in 2004 so he would be taken care of there with all his friends.

This was her 1st pet death and she will be 7 next month and I think she handled it really well. I am not sure my DS understands well enough but he did cry when he saw the bird was dead. He then stated that the new birds are, "not dead birds Mommy." He gets it enough I guess.

If Everyone Cared

IF EVERYONE CARED

From underneath the trees, we watch the sky
Confusing stars for satellites
I never dreamed that you'd be mine
But here we are, we're here tonight

Singing Amen, I'm alive
Singing Amen, I'm alive

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

And I'm singing
Amen I, I'm alive
Amen I, I'm alive

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Singing Amen I'm alive
Singing Amen I'm alive

And as we lie beneath the stars
We realize how small we are
If they could love like you and me
Imagine what the world could be

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
We'd see the day when nobody died

We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day, we'd see the day
When nobody died
We'd see the day when nobody died

~Nickelback

A State of Mind

A few months ago I visited the library looking for knitting patterns. I was in the knitting book section, which stinks in my library (there are books literaly from the 1950's and 60's-not that its a bad thing but how about buying some new ones?) and came across a book with a book mark in it. It was a fabric bookmark that was very old and was taped onto a piece of plastic to hold it together. This is what it said:

A State of Mind

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you'd like to win but you think you can't,
it's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost.
Far out of the World you find success begins with a Fellow's Will-
It's all in The State of Mind


There was no author listed on it so I am not sure who wrote it.
I thought it fit the moment perfectly and still does. Its funny how it was right in front of my eyes when I needed it the most. I am wondering why I found it. I think I was meant to find it now that I think about it.
Someday I would like to put it back in the book where I found it so someone else can find it and be helped by what it says.

2 Weeks and Counting

I am so guilty of not keeping up with my blog and I apologize. So much is going on due to the holidays and I am busy knitting away in the free time I have left so that leaves no time to write in mine. I do believe that Christmas is 2 weeks away. I am so freaking out.

My Mom and I just got back from Toys R Us and I dont even want to say how much she spent. Crazy is one word for it. I rarely buy the kids toys anyway. When I buy them stuff its usually Play Doh or Art stuff and coloring stuff, not toys. They are in need of some age appropriate toys.

Things are well with me and I am healing nicely. I have an appointment with both my breast surgeon (she wants to see me since its a few months since the mastectomy) and with the plastic surgeon next week. The next step in the reconstruction process is going to be 6-8 weeks from 11/27 and thank God I wont be needing general anesthesia for that. The plastic surgeon said twilight sedation with a local is what they use for nipple reconstruction. Then after that heals comes the tatooing phase

Last night we attended my DH's Christmas Party. Everyone was surprised to see me there and said they were glad that I was able to make it. The food was pretty good but today there is a virus running rampant in the house. My Mom had it the other day and today my son was throwing up his guts and now I think my DH is getting it. I have done my share of puking and should never have to puke again so I better not get it! :lol:

My Dad surprised me yesterday by calling me and asking me, my DH and DS to meet him at a furniture store a few towns away. He told me that he wanted to get us a living room set for Christmas since we have been here over a year without one. We picked out a really nice sectional thats a rust colored microfiber, cocktail table, 2 end tables and nice lamps. My Mom said that he did it on his own, she didnt suggest it or anything but I am so happy that he did because now I can have a place for people who come over to sit and relax. I am also going to keep the TV out of the living room. We already have to many televisions and I want that room to be TV free.

My sister still hasnt contacted me. My Mom had said that my Dad spoke to her and that she was going to call and apologize. I knew immediately that wasnt going to happen. I have made the decision that I am not going to let her behavior dictate my life. I really dont care anymore and I dont want to have people like that around me anyway. I am going to try and not let this eat at me every day like it has been. I cant promise that it will happen but I am going to try, very hard. Another thing is I dont know anyone that would want an apology forced out of someone, its not sincere at all and actually hurtful. If the apology doesnt come from the heart its not sincere.

Unplanned Plastic Surgeon Visit

I was running a low grade fever last night and this morning in addition to reddness and warmth around the incision site. I called the plastic surgeon and he told me to come in so he could have a look. I had no way of getting down there because my Mom had to wait for my DD to get out of school. My DH had to leave work, pick me up and take me to the office. He checked me out and said that the site looked good and it wasnt that red and warm or I should say the type of redness that is associated with infection. I am on a very strong antibiotic (Clindamycin) and he thinks that should cover me. Fever or low grade fever is related to the lungs and congestion that develops after surgery from being intubated. Plus the surgery was 2.5 hours which I thought was going to be shorter. I have some flem that I am bringing up and he said to keep doing that and breathe deep to get the lungs moving. I cant stand surgery and I am almost finished. The next procedure is nipple reconstruction that is done under a twilight anesthesia where you are semi-conscious. Oh joy, but at least its better than general anesthesia. He even said that it could be done under local if I wanted but I dont think thats going to happen. My surgeon is going away on vacation next week and he told me that if I have any questions or concerns to bring them up to him before Sunday. If I knew he was going to take a vacation the week after my surgery then I would have made the surgery for another time when he was not going to be away. The point right now is mute so it doesnt matter. I cant change anything just hope that nothing goes wrong in the next two weeks. My next appointment with the surgeon is in 2 weeks. My DH had to return to work after he took me and I think they are going to pay him for the whole day (whew! thats great, I thought he would lose hours over this).

I got another order from NC.com on Monday, the same day I had surgery. I called them yesterday and they were very concerned about me. I told them that the order would go out on Friday or Saturday, definitely by the end of the week. They said no problem and told me to take care that they were thinking about me. I checked my supplies and I think I have just enough to get #24 out. At least I hope I do. After they pay me I have to order from FROM NATURE WITH LOVE. They usually are fast with delivery which is a great thing when you need stuff fast.

DH is off for a couple of days so maybe we can do something together like make SIAS! He is a big help to me when I have an order. We can also go to breakfast or lunch together. Its supposed to be nice tomorrow so maybe we can go to the beach.
DH has his jobs Christmas party next week and we had planned on going before I had my surgery. I still want to go but I am going to play it by ear and see how I feel. Tomorrow is my DD's Holiday Boutique at her school. I was going to scope it out to see what types of crafts people sell there. I think it would be a great place to sell my knitted and crocheted items, if I can make a bunch thats worthy! :lol:

On the knitting front I finally finished the second Pink Cascade Fiixation sock! Now I have a few others to finish, I got a great pattern for a dishcloth in the Mason-Dixon Knitting Book. I think they would be a great gift for anyone with a kitchen. They are so pretty and look harder to do than they actually are. I am not sure yet because I havent tried but this is what the book says! LOL

Home from the Hospital

I am home from the hospital and feeling good. I have pain but nowhere near the amount I had after the bilateral. I stayed overnight and I am sure glad I did because I was in a lot of pain after surgery. Now that I had the chance to rest in the hospital overnight I feel a lot better. No lifting or anything that gets the heartrate up for 2-3 weeks and I have to see the Dr two weeks from today. The implants are a lot softer than the expanders and feel much better under the skin. The Dr said that he thinks the swelling in my left arm and the cording and tightness will get better now that the expanders are out and not putting pressure on the armpit muscle area. He said he cant guarantee that but it did get better last time (after the bilateral) so maybe he's right. Thank God I am allowed to shower tomorrow and not like when I had the other surgery and had to waited 2 weeks!

I worked on my sock this morning while waiting for the Dr to discharge me and everyone was asking what I was making. I am always working on socks when I go to the surgeons office so he must think I have a shitload hidden in a drawer at home.

On the subject of my sister, I dont want to talk about it other than to say that I am sad she has chosen not to have a relationship with me (or other members of the family). I dont talk about the situation to hurt her or upset her because she doesnt read my blog anyway but even if she did I am not sure it would make a difference. My parents know that I have tried and so have they to open the lines of communication with her and offer her help but she has refused. You cant say that we havent tried but I still feel guilty.

In the Hospital before Surgery

I am actually in the hospital right now blogging from my Ambulatory surgery room. They just stuck an IV in my arm (they wanted to put it in my hand but I stopped them otherwise I couldnt knit!) Its in my right arm because of the lymphedema in my left but I can deal with it. I have dealt with worse. I have a lot to talk about but I am limited right now because the DR and the anesthesiologist will be in soon to speak to me. My Mom had a "conversation" with my sister about her behiour towards me and others and it didnt go well. I am extremely upset by this and I think my sister needs some help. I am being totally serious when I say this. Mental illness manifests itself in your mid to late twenties. My DH has dealt with a lot of mental illness in his family and he grew up with it so if anyone knows about it, he does. She definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you look it up it describes her to a T. Thats all I will say right now.

I have a HUGE migraine and I hope I have good pain control after surgery and not like the last time where I was in agony. They just told me who the anesthesiologist was and I dont know him, not a good sign. I am also not sure if I am staying overnight but I am going to try. Its not considered an admission because its under 23 hours so its no additional paperwork for the Dr.

Yesterday my Mom was over and went food shopping with me and prepared dinner for my Dad, Grandmother and Aunt. I had so much stuff to do and never really did any of it all but at least the laundry is done and the kids will have clean clothes for the week.

On the way to the hospital I stopped at the book store and bought a few knitting mags and a crochet one. I also bought MASON-DIXON knitting which is a must have for all knitters out there. If I am not in the knitting mood then I will read. Gotta keep busy! I'll try to post after surgery if I am up to it.

Thanksgiving and my Caplet

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and we went to my cousins house. It was better than I thought it was going to be. First, the weather was HORRIBLE and traveling in it was treacherous. I hate traveling during the holidays but I hate it even more when the weather is bad and you have to travel in it. Secondly, everyone was nice and no one said anything stupid which is a world record for my family. My Dad was even nice and my sister was MIA (nothing new). Thirdly, I got to hold a couple of babies and give them the bibs (sorry no pics) I made them. My cousins little boy even got to use his because he was spitting up so much. Lastly, I finished the caplet I was making and was able to wear it. Everyone thought it was store bought. I am not sure if thats a good thing or not but I think they meant it as a compliment. It took me a month to make and its soooo soft and warm. The great thing is that its not too warm like wool sometimes can be. Everyone asked what it was made out of and some were amazed when I said alpaca. My cousin who doesnt know much about yarns said, "You can buy that kind of yarn at the store?" I chuckled when he said that. He sould only know what you can buy at a yarn store. Here is a picture of my STR that came a while ago in the mail. I forgot to mention it. Its Jingle Bell Rock, X-Mas Rock, and Scottish Highlands:

Here is the caplet that I had a pattern for but went off on my own and did the trim in pink and changed the neckline a little:



On a sad note, my good friends Mom died this morning. I received a call from our mutual friend this morning. She is not sure were the wake and funeral will be. I am having surgery on Monday and I really would like to go but depending on where and when it is I will have to see what I can do. Her Mom was an inspiration to me when I was 1st diagnosed with cancer because she called me and prayed with me on the phone. She made me feel like I could beat it and she above all people had conquered serious medical problems in the past and I knew she understood how I felt. She had 2 kidney transplants (one rejected) an amputated limb and other organ problems throughout her life. I think that in the end it was her heart that failed which for such a kind and loving woman who gave so much of her heart to others is so sad. I know that she is definitely no longer suffering right now but her daughters who are my friends are. I will continue to pray for them now because I cant imagine what they are going through. Please say a prayer or send a good thought in their direction.

Spamming JERKS!

I just went through my entire blog checking where people can make comments. You would think that I would have done this a long time ago but hey what can I say. I had to delete these stupid comments that I thought were made by people being nice and realize that its the generic spamming crap like: "Keep up the good work" OR "You've really got some great info, I've bookmared your site" JERKS. After clicking on them I realize that they are all full of shit! They are advertisers just trying to get people to click on their site and I did!! I am so pissed at myself for going to look, UGH!! They can shove their comments where the sun dont shine.
A**holes, comment on that!

First Haircut in 7 months

The last time I cut my hair was in April when I buzzed it in preparation for losing it from chemo. It started growing back about 6 weeks after my last treatment which was June 29, 2006. It started as peach fuzz and then started to fill in from there. Yesterday I had enough of my hair. It was a total disaster and all over the place. It was overgrown (like a hedge that needs pruning) and in need of some shine/style. I went to the same place I used to go to when I needed a trim and a wonderful girl trimmed it up nice. She did a color wash which brought back some shine and used some styling wax (something I was never able to use with my waist length curls). It was like magic! I love my hair now and I dont feel like I have to wear a hat when I go out.



I dont like posting pics of myself but I am proud of my hair growth. I'll update when it grows a significant amount again.

I went to the plastic surgeon yesterday and signed all the papers for the surgery. I am part of a study so theres lots of paperwork. The Dr has to call and interview me about my families medical history and then I think I am ready. I also have to go for bloodwork next week in preparation for the surgery. My hand is still very swollen and I wear my compression glove when I can but it makes my hand numb if I wear it too long and I cant knit while wearing it. Still working on the Christmas gifts as quickly as I can but my DD wants me to finish her socks and she asks me if I am finished every second of the day. I should be done with them tonight if I am lucky.

My sons visit to the ENT went well and he doesnt think he needs his tonsils out just yet. He's not apnic when he's sleeping, he just snores and thats not putting him in danger. The Dr still wants me to listen to him when he sleeps. OK, like I can stay up all night and listen to him and DH snore. Well, they both keep me awake anyway so whats the difference? LOL

Isnt this supposed to be relaxing?

Knitting is supposed to be a meditative and relaxing thing to do but lately its turning into just the opposite. Knitting all these gifts for people in such a limited time is very frustrating. Instead of making what I really want to make cerain people I have resorted to fast and somewhat easy projects instead of challenging and rewarding projects. If it were up tp me I would knit everyone socks, really nice ones, but time is limited and socks take time. I knit fast but not that fast! Right now I am blocking the scarf I was working on in the last post (Blk/Brn merino ribbon like yarn) and started my sisters corset belt and a bamboo stitch scarf (which is very interesting and at least not as boring as straight stockingette/garter stitch). I made a list of all the people I would like to give a handmade gift to and I realize that maybe I should not be making a scarf for the mailman and give him something else. He's a nice man and I though it would be a nice gift instead of candy which we gave him last year. He can certainly use it in the winter when he is delivering mail. He doesnt walk around the neighborhood here because there are too many homes and some are far apart so he drives the little postal delivery truck (I love those little trucks! They would be great for short runs to the grocery store. Thats why I want a VESPA so bad, but thats another post). Well, I have to see how fast I can crank out these other gifts and then see if I can give these people what I planned on giving them.

I received my STITCHES ( www.knittinguniverse.com ) info in the mail today. I am planning on going to the one thats going to be in Baltimore next October and I cant wait! Its a 3-4 day knitting conference that has classes and a marketplace that is all about kntiting (and some crocheting too). My OT went this year and invited me to go with her but all the classes were booked and I didnt have the money for it this year. When I get my tax refund I am going to put aside the money so I can pre-register and get a hotel room. My OT said I could room with her to save $ on the hotel so at least I'll save some money and spend what I save on yarn and stuff in the marketplace! Yay!

My DD's school is doing a presentation next week for Thanksgiving and the teacher sent a paper home talking about it. It says that "YOUR CHILD HAS CHOSEN TO BE A PILGRIM". The choices were Native American, something else or Pilgrim. I wish she chose to be the Native American then it would have been a lot easier to pick out the clothing and stuff they need for the costume because I have it. She needs a long skirt, apron, and white blouse for the pilgrim costume. All the things that I DONT have or if I did have (long skirt) dont fit her anymore. Then the note said not to go out and buy anything if you dont have it. Its also in the late moring where a lot of parents are not going to be able to make it and some kids are going to be disappointed if the parents cant be there. My DH is one of the parents that are working and my DD is a little upset.

My headache has returned and I am trying to rest now before I have to run out and get my DD from school. Ugh, these feakin' headaches!

Froggitis

Well, I am assuming that most dont know what I am talking about when I made the title of this post, so I'll explain. When you "frog" a knitting project or crochet project or rip it back to start over its called frogging. They call it this because you "rip-it, rip-it" like the sound a frog makes so therefore frogging. I cant remember if I explained this before but there it is anyway. Last night, after working 18 rows on the body of my Lorna Laces sock I decide to try it on and guess what, it didnt fit!! I was so pissed my gauge was very off. I thought it was 8 sts per inch and it was 10. A very big difference I must say so I frogged the sock and started a pair for my daugher with my leftover Artyarns #119 (green striped ones). She is bugging me to make her a pair and when she grows out of them her brother can wear them. I finished the alpaca blend scarf and it definitely could have been longer but I couldnt take it anymore so I made the fringe long to make up for it. It was annoying the heck out of me so now its done and in the finished pile. I started another scarf with Lane Borgosesia Jacquard 55% fine merino 45% acrylic. The texture is like a knitted ribbon and very soft. Since it has this texture to it already I am making the scarf in stockinette stitch to bring out the texture and color on its own. Blocking it might be in order when I am done with but we will see when its complete. I bought the yarn (4 balls/60yds each) a long time ago at 1/2 price. I am not sure who its going to yet but that will be determined at a later date like 12/24 when I am wrapping gifts! LOL. FInally I am also going to start my sisters gift today (sometime). It will be crocheted which is a nice change of pace for me since I havent crocheted in a long time. Not sure if its a deserved gift but its Christmas so, so...

So little time

I have been so busy the past few days I havent had a chance to write. Christmas is 6 weeks away and my surgery is 2 weeks away. I am ready for the surgery but not Christmas. I have a load of gifts to make and I am moving slowly because my left arm and hand has been swollen and hurting from my lymphedema. It doesnt stop me but it does slow me down. I did finish the KOIGU socks and I also finished one of the pink Cascade Fixation socks. Here is a picture of the KOIGU sock. Yes, its just one but there is another that goes with it believe me!

I should have made them on larger needles than #2's becuase its taken me so long to finish one. I started the second and I am working on the pattern on the leg. I also started another sock in Lorna's Laces Safari color and I am also working on the body of that one on size #0's. Yeah, I am crazy. The smaller needles dont bother me as much as the larger ones. I wont question why because I LOVE making socks more than anything else but I dont have enough time to make people socks for gifts. I dont think I will be able to make the Dr the socks I wanted to make him for Christmas. He'll have to wait until after the holidays for those socks.

I havent been feeling myself for a few weeks and I was supposed to go for an MRI this past week but I wasnt allowed to at the last minute. Literally, I was in the changing room to go into the machine and I told the tech that I had expanders in for reconstruction from a mastectomy. She told me to wait a minute while she consulted someone. She came back and said that I couldnt have the MRI at this time because the expanders have magnets in them and since the MRI was for my head and under the higher powered magnet there was no way I was having the scan. Great, I thought, what the hell are they going to do about this damn headache?? I called my DH and he told me that he was going to try and get me a CAT scan that day, since I was already at the hospital. I had an OT appointment and after that I had the CAT scan with contrast (my favorite). It turns out that a lady in my knitting group, Nancy, was the CAT scan tech that did my scan. She was so nice to me and held my hand while the contrast was being injected. That stuff makes you feel really hot and flushed, like you cant breathe. Luckily it only lasts a few minutes.
The CAT scan was negative along with the blood work which is good news but the Dr still wants the MRI after my surgery.

My daughter is doing well and mostly recovered from the pneumonia. She is still on the Pulmicort nebulizer for a couple of more days but much much better. I hope she doesnt get sick again this winter or we can at least head it off before it gets to that point. My son has an appointment with the ENT because his tonsils are HUGE and probably have to come out. He is having trouble breathing at night when he's asleep and that when the Dr said we would have to think about having his tonsils out. I am very nervous about this because it would mean a hospitalization for him. The same Dr that took my tonsils out and did my thyroidectomy would do his surgery so I trust him and he's wonderful with kids. I swear, I think I spend more time in the hospital than my own home!

Chemo Rebound

Yesterday around 4pm I had a wave of nausea and sickness sweep over me like a wave. I wasnt sure what was happening but I felt like I was going to pass out and die. Yeah it was that bad. I actually can say that it felt like I was getting chemo again. My DH had explained to me that cancer patients who have received chemo can get whats called chemo rebound where they suddenly feel like I did yesterday. I was actually very scared while it was happening because I have had a migaine for over a week and its killing me and then my arm and hand is swolllen to twice its size so I thought it was all related in some way and I was going to spontaneously combust. I took some medication that I thought would help and ate a bite for dinner and I began to feel a teensy bit better. I felt the same this morning so I called the oncologist and he ordered a head MRI for tomorrow morning. UGH, I hate those because they put your head in this cage like vice so you cant move while they are doing the test. It sucks. Then I am a little frightened over what they could find. Last time I had a MRI of my head was over 7 years ago before my DD was born. I was having insane migraines all the time and thats why they did it. They didnt find anything and I hope they continue to find nothing. The DR said to take my Ativan before having the test and I would most likely sleep through it. If anyone has ever had an MRI its sooo loud that its like sleeping with a guy who is jackhammering right next to your head. I am not sure sleep is going to happen unless I OD on the Ativan.

Tonight I have a knitting meeting and I am excited to show them my socks (still not finished mind you). I have to do a little bit more and then I am done. I would have been done if I felt better but I WILL finish it today. Another nice woman I met in my socks class wants me to go to another knitting group tomorrow night and I really want to go to also. I hate when these damn headaches and such run my life. There are things I want to do and I cant do them because it hurts to much. Frustrating is the word for it.